Thursday, July 9, 2015

Dan's Top 9: One-Time Seinfeld Characters

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, where my associate Dan Moore counts down his favorite 9 something-or-others.....

Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom of all time. About this, there can be no debate. Some people argue that there were better sitcoms in the past but it's an argument I can't listen to. I can't, I won't. The main cast was perfect, but the supporting characters also added to the show's greatness. Besides recurring characters like Newman and Puddy, there were some classic one-time characters on the show. Without further ado, here they are. I'm not counting the finale as the second appearance of these characters because it was a glorified clip show. So if you wanna cry about it? That's a shame.

9. Paul O'Neil

I'm from Boston, so I hate the Yankees. And growing up my cousin, John Michael, had an unnatural hatred for Paul O'Neil. I inherited that hate as well. Until he showed up in "The Wink." Kramer barges in on O'Neill, trying to get him to hit two dingers for a dying kid and O'Neill acts the only way a normal person in that situation would: by saying no one's dumb enough to promise two homers and wondering how the hell Cosmo got into the the Yankee clubhouse. Perfect reactions from a most hated Yankee.

He just needs to catch a pop fly in his hat

8. Joe Mayo

Do me a favor when you read this article, can you hit Ctrl-C to copy the article and send it to your friends, thanks! Fuckin' Mayo, ordering guests around at his party. His one saving grace is his Dr. Zaius man fur jacket.


7. Todd Gack

Sure, this guy is a slimeball, but to be fair, Gack (I think that's Dutch) has the perfect system on how to get chicks. Make a bet you know you'll lose to take them out on dates. It's brilliant in its simplicity. With this system, he not only beds Elaine (you know they humped, she's loose) but also got Nicki, who is arguably Jerry's hottest girlfriend in the show. Good work, Gack.


6. Meelosh

A hack of a tennis pro who decides that instead of letting his awful racket play be known, decides to dabble in the flesh trade. By trading his wife' to Jerry to keep his mouth shut, Meelosh becomes the first and only sex slave trader in this show's history! Good work. Coupled with his bad tennis and hilarious, over the top Russian accent, Meelosh holds a special place in my heart.

5. The Bubble Boy

Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING the bubble boy says is goddamn hilarious. A jaded, spoiled twenty-something stuck in a bubble (I thought it was like an igloo), he gets a glimpse of Costanza's chick and immediately asks her to take her top off. She scoffs, and he hits her with 'COME OOOOOON'. And even that didn't work. Susan sure was stuck up.  And then he loses Trivial Pursuit on a misprint. "Moops" my ass.

4. Marcelino

Cockfighting. Find another show that bases an episode's plot on illegal bird battles. You never will. And Marcelino was the kingpin. The owner of the bodega with another over-the-top accent. His pronunciations are hilarious, as is his request for a goddamn bird to take a dive in a fight. Brilliant.

Shop keeper by day, poultry pugilist by night.

3. Jiffy Park/Jiffy Dump guy

Yea, this is kind of a cheat as this guy was in two episodes, but I believe they were twin brothers, not the same character, so there ya go.  But I can't help it. The delivery of this guy's lines is impeccable. George parks his car in his lot which is being used as a mobile whore house. George finds a prophylactic in the car, confronts the guy. And then the guy hits us with one of the great throwaway lines in the show's history.
First ten seconds of this clip is gold, Jerry. GOLD

2. Soup Nazi

He had to be on the list. Sure, he's overplayed and everyone says "No soup for you!" to this day. But he's a classic. Yev Kassem (his real name) is as iconic as any main character from the show. His soup recipes are perfect, evidently his bread is quite good and his furniture choices are also impeccable. He's a true Renaissance man.

1. Lt. Bookman

Could it be anyone else, joy boy? Philip Baker Hall KILLS this role. A lifetime library cop out for Jerry's blood for a long overdue book. His seriousness, his menacing looks, his line delivery all combine to make the perfect Seinfeld guest star. When my friends and I watch his performance, we use our pee pees and wee wees to wet our pants.  Undeniably the greatest guest star on the greatest show ever. Thanks for reading this list. I gotta get outta here to get my kicks, me and all my good time buddies. 

If you screw up again, he'll be all over you
like a pit bull on a poodle

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