Friday, July 24, 2015

The One Thing Wrong With Pixels, by Dan Moore

I'd rather watch this for two hours

(Note: I have not seen this movie nor do I ever intend to. It looks horrible and at this point any Adam Sandler flick should be out out to pasture. There are most likely millions of things wrong with this garbage movie, but this one bothers me)

The premise of 'Pixels' at least sounded like a decent idea until I found out it was a Sandler flick.  Then I lost all interest. A group of aliens disguise themselves as classic 80s arcade characters to destroy Earth. It's up to former video game champions Sandler, Peter Dinklage (why Tyrion,WHY!?!?!) and Kevin James, playing the most unlikely President of the Unites States EVER (Also a bit of a step down from being the King of Queens, eh your majesty?).

These nerds are brought together, as their video game knowledge is our last line of defense. They are experts at these classic games and thus are humanity's last hope. The trailer shows them driving psychotically around Washington DC evading Pac-Man's ever hungry mouth. I must ask, what the HELL does being a video game expert have to do with driving Fast & Furious style all over the streets? How does knowing the secret to get to the kill screen in a game turn these guys into Vin Diesel and Paul Walker (RIP)!?!? Being a pale fat boy in a dark room playing a video game over and over doesn't suddenly turn you into a stunt driver the likes of which Evel Knieval would envy.  The logical leap is too far for even Pitfall Harry to make. 

He's not gonna make it

They also show these gamers chasing Donkey Kong up a legit building with a system of girders and ladders. Uh, don't you think a SWAT team would be better suited for this combat situation than a buncha pizza eating rejects from FunSpot?!?! I mean Christ, the tactics and covering techniques alone required to reach the top would leave SEAL Team Six out of breath. How would the gamers even have enough wind left to battle the giant computer ape?

The idea of gamers possessing the expertise to beat the game bad guys is fine (even though Pac-Man is a good guy, eh fuck him, doesn't help the narrative!) but the implementation makes zero sense to me. They're not trained Army folk. They're dorks. Ya know, like me, who is thinking waaaaaaay too much about the logic in a movie where Galaga comes to life.

I'm so lonely.

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