Thursday, September 10, 2015

NFL Pick 'em: Week 1

Hello all and welcome to a new weekly feature here on I'm an American, and as an American, I've been known to place a few bets here and there. And with the pending NFL season starting today, we've come up with this pick'em column to see who can prognosticate the best. We'll be picking three games a week, with one game being the LOCK OF THE WEEK. The lock of the the week is worth two points, and the other games are worth one point a piece. The winner will get a prize to be named later. We'll be picking with the spread based on a fine, reputable, perfectly legal website....maybe...

This is what we call 'research'

And just who will be picking these games?

First up is me, Dan Moore. I've been gambling since I could pick up a deck of cards. I'm more of a poker or blackjack guy, but I got no problem losing money betting on football.

Next up is newest Enuffa contributor Brandon Cuddemi. I've met some NFL gamblers in my day but I've never seen a guy sweat out the Pro Bowl before. He's got parlays on top of parlays and when they inevitably don't come in, the tornado of expletives is GLORIOUS.

Finally, one of my oldest friends, Mike Parker, or Miggsy as he's known. You got something to gamble on, he's your man. From dice to the ponies, the man will bet on it all (he once lost fifty bucks betting on what the first commercial would be during a Super Bowl).

Those are the contestants and here are the picks. 

Dan's Picks

Seattle (-4) @ St. Louis - The Pick = SEATTLE
The Super Bowl runner up should have an easy cover here against a Rams team starting a new QB with a crappy RB situation. I hate picking the road fave this early in the season cause who the hell knows what's gonna happen. In fact I hate picking the road favorite so much...

Miami (-4) @ Washington - The Pick = MIAMI
... I'm doing it TWICE in week one. I'm not too up on Miami being the sexy pick to make the playoffs this year, as all the pundits think. But Miami should rollover a dysfunctional Redskins team. The Skins are a walking dumpster fire of a franchise from ownership to the locker room. I don't see them winning more than 4 games this year.

Pittsburgh @ New England (-7) The Pick = NEW ENGLAND
A no brainer in my book. The champs come out swinging and I don't think it's gonna be pretty for Pitt's gross secondary. Brady & company have to come out firing against that rejiggered defense. I think that bodes well for the Pats. There's rain in the forecast tonight as well, so I'm taking the under too. And rain, as we know is God's tears...championship tears of joy.

As opposed to Mark Brunell's tears, which taste DELICIOUS

B-Cuddy's Picks

Miami (-4) @ Washington - The Pick = MIAMI
I hate everything related to this game. Picking a road favorite in week 1 is dangerous. Also, I'm picking Miami? Disgusting. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it. Every year the Fish are hyped up. They're a perennial 8-8 team. This year is no different. But the other team in this game is a DISASTER. Kirk Cousins is their QB. Kirk Cousins!!?? He's responsible for more turnovers than a baker. (That's right, I got baking jokes). Miami actually has a good defense so they'll pick Cousins off at least twice. On the other side of the ball, Washington couldn't stop a high school team so they're really clicking on all shit cylinders. And they are easy to root against. The owner of the Washington Redskins is Dan Snyder, who, by all accounts, is an asshole. My favorite Snyder move was when he claimed that "Redskins" was a term of endearment for Native Americans. Yeah, I'm sure the few generations that survived the genocide love it.

New Orleans @ Arizona (-2.5) - The Pick = ARIZONA
This line should be higher. The Saints are gaining some points based on reputation alone. They are no longer this offensive juggernaut. Last season, they were abysmal. Playing in one of the worst divisions in NFL history, the Saints still went 7-9 and had a negative point differential. Their biggest weapon, Jimmy Graham, is on another team now. Not only does this make Drew Brees & his Mole sad, but it also takes away a big safe target. Brees had as many INT's as Andy Dalton & Blake Bortles last season. YIKES. Zona on the other hand had a very good team. They were 9-1 at one point before finishing 11-5. And that's after Carson Palmer got hurt in November, when they trotted the likes of Drew Stanton, Logan Thomas, & Ryan Lindley out there to finish the season. If you read this, there's a 75% chance you're better at quarterback than those 3. The biggest issue Zona has is their offensive line, which is horrendous. But Nawlins isn't the team to expose that. Lastly, anytime the Saints play outside that hot garbage of a city they call home, they lose. I expect more of the same.

Baltimore @ Denver (-4.5) - The Pick = DENVER
Picking Miami & Peyton Manning in the same week? I feel so dirty. Whatever you want to say about ol' Horseface Noodlearm's performance in January, you can't really go against him in September. The team has talent everywhere so they aren't going to all of a sudden be bad. Yeah, they're going to run more than last year, but that doesn't mean their offense will suffer much. Defensively, they are going to be solid too. Baltimore's offense could be in for a long day. Joe Flacco is not an elite QB. (I'm glad I could settle the debate for you so easily). His best receiver is 57 years old. Their running back, Justin Forsett, has been in the league 7 years and had 1 good season. I'm not penciling him in for grand things like everyone else. The Ravens defense will be good like it is every year. But they won't be able to stop all of Denver's weapons. If this were December, and Manning was in the middle of his annual dead duck toss phase (a tradition like none other), I'd lean the other way. But it isn't. My only hope is that Denver incorporates several exotic formations so we can see if John Harbaugh cries again.

Miggsy’s Picks

Any handicapper worth his weight in losing betting tickets knows NFL week one is the hardest week to ‘cap. I hate picking week one but Dan says I have to and he’s “1st in command.” So with that said, on to the handicapping…

By my count there are 8 home dogs this week outta 16 games. HALF!!! That’s absurd. This is that week one shit I was talking about. Last season, twelve home teams had a winning record as the underdog with a handful (insert JPP joke here-for those that don’t know, he blew his hand off with a firecracker on the 4thof July. He had yet to sign his new multi-million dollar deal. HA!) more hovering right around .500. It would be unwise for me to think that trend wouldn’t continue. I’m avoiding home underdogs like I avoid Cathy Moore’s advances.

New Orleans @ Arizona  (-2.5) THE PICK– Arizona
I’m going with the Red Birds in this one. New Orleans will be without Jimmy Graham who was traded to Seattle and Darren Sproles now with Philadelphia. Mark Ingram and CJ Spiller aren’t good enough to replace those guys, even if they stay healthy which they can’t/won’t. Arizona’s defense got better and I think Carson Palmer with Larry Fitz and Michael Floyd will be too much for the ‘WhoDats.’

New York Giants @ Dallas (-6) THE PICK - New York
I like the G-men here. While I think Dallas will win the game, I think the spread is slightly inflated. I see this game being decided by the number of fingers left on JPP’s right hand (that’s anywhere from 3 to 4 depending on what reports you believe). It’s a division game on Sunday night. Darren McFadden is not even close to a replacement for DeMarco Murray in Dallas. The Giants had some pretty solid moves this offseason strengthening their running game. Rashad Jennings leads with way with BC’s own Andre Williams and the newly acquired Shane Vereen. That’s a heavy group. Even if Victor Cruz (Calf) can’t go (I don’t expect him to play), Odell Beckham Jr. and Reuben Randall are quite capable at wide out.

Pittsburgh @ New England (-7) The Pick = NEW ENGLAND by 1,000 in this one.
It's a banner raising night, in prime time, the whole league and every NFL fan will watching this game. There is no way in hell the Pats come out flat. Pats fans are gunna be rocking the Razor on Thursday. After all the off-field controversy this off season and everything said by the media, the Pats have enough to motivate them for the entire year. Belichick will have reached deep into is deceitful bag of tricks in order to steamroll whoever has the misfortune of being our week one opponent. It just so happens to be the Steelers, who are without their star running back Le'Veon Bell because of DUI and drug offense suspension from 2014. Undoubtedly, a set up orchestrated by New England so he'd be out for this very game. DIABOLICAL!!!

That's it for week one picks. Tune in next week for some more bad advice on how to lose your money.

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