Thursday, October 15, 2015

NFL Pick 'em: Week 6

Points standings: 

Ya know, me and the boys here like to rib each other. 'Tis all in good fun. Yeah, we're gross, none of us smell good, and our liquor consumption is...troublesome. But for all the crap we talk, we're all up in our picks this year. Not too shabby.  I missed another perfect week due to some cheating time scoring prick in San Diego, but hey, what're ya gonna do? You move on, make new insults and new picks. Here we go.

Dan's Picks

Arizona (-3) @ Pittsburgh THE PICK =Arizona 
I've been to Arizona. It's a lovely state. Nice weather, hot broads to look at and a fine football stadium.

Those are........nice. 

I've been to Pittsburgh. Awful weather, toothless fat women abound and a football stadium that looks as if it's been peed on in every corner. Smells like it too. I dunno what this has to do with the game at hand. But based solely on geography, I'm picking the Cardinals. (I mean, it has something to do with the fact that Mike Vick has looked like one of the dead dogs he was so fond of years ago. And I don't see him improving against AZ's stout defense. Arizona's run game should also have a good time trouncing through Pitt's middle of the road rushing defense. Those are scientifical reasonings, son).

Atlanta (-4) @ New Orleans THE PICK = ATLANTA 
I gotta fever. And the only prescription is more Matty Ice. Sure, he typically melts in the playoffs, but he's been rock solid in the regular season the past few years. I have as much faith in New Orleans offense scoring points as I do Miggsy staying sober at any sort of work function. This is a man who pisses his pants as often as Alex Smith throws a TD to a wide out. Ya know, once a year. Guy's like a puppy. Flowing yellow all over his house n' home. Disgusting. The Saints have been inept with their passing game, and now, the running game is suffering as well. On the flip side is the offensive juggernaut Falcons. Even without Julio Jones possibly not playing, I see Atlanta lighting things up in the Big Easy.

New England (-9) @ Indianapolis THE PICK=YOU'RE SHITTING ME, RIGHT? 
I'm gonna try to be nice here. The Colts have no chance. Zip. Zero. This line should be a million. The Red Sox have a better shot at winning the current World Series. This thing is gonna be uglier than Brandon's shirt choices by the pool.

To be fair, I did buy him the shirt.
Immigrants got a better shot of getting into Trump's America. We got a better chance of people actually reading this blog than the Colts have of beating the Pats. Give Brady any kind of football you want.  Deflated, inflated, inflamed, defamed, infamous, outrageous, egregious, preposterous...Hutch.

These things were AWESOME 
Honestly. Pats by a thousand. Throw Tony Eason under center on Sunday night. Marion Butts could be the running back. If you told me Bethel Johnson was a starting wide receiver, I'd smile. You could put Hart Lee Fuckin' Dykes (that's a deep cut) in the slot, and I still wouldn't be worried (Just don't put him in a bar near Irving Fryar). Put all those scrubs in there. This revenge tour knows no bounds. We got this.

Can't stop, won't stop

Miggsy's Picks

I stumbled a little last week only going 2 for 3, earning 3 pts. Danny and Brandon will have you believe that my sky is falling but they’d be wrong. Danny made a pick solely based on neckwear, which he lost of course. I mean Bolos?!?!? This isn’t the wild west. Furthermore, no one should ever be taking fashion advice from Dan Moore. The guy thinks a wingtip is a cut of beef.  As for Brandon, Congratulations! You finally had a perfect week. I guess stepping those new Jordans in that steamy pile o' shit was lucky after all. I assume you got the new ones;  you ‘re their target market, wannabe white rappers. I can assure you I’ll be alone on top again after this week.

Atlanta Falcons -4 @ New Orleans Saints PICK: FALCONS -4 
This one is a no brainer. Even those other two clowns could spot the discrepancy in this line. New Orleans is terrible. There are already rumors about what team Sean Peyton is going to be coaching next year (maybe even this year if he gets fired soon), and it’s only week 6! Their only win came in OT against a Romo-less cowboy team who is lost without him. On the other hand the Falcons have been playing well this year. Matt Ryan seems to be rejuvenated. It’s like he’s been drinking the Cialis flavored Gatorade. Look for him to be bathing outdoors at sunset with some smokeshow after the win.

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions -3 PICK: BEARS +3
I like the Bears in this one. I’m even surprised by it. Are the Bears bad? Absolutely. They lost me when they got rid of The Viper, Kyle Orton. All that guy did was win football games and party. What’s so wrong with that? But are the Bears the worst team in the league? I don’t think so. The Bears are coming off back to back wins with Cutler, Forte and Jeffrey are healthy and playing well. Detroit is certainly in the running for worst team in the league. They don’t have any wins so how can they be favored? My guess is that Vegas would consider this a pick ‘em if it were to be played on a neutral field. Since it’s in Detroit, they get the home field advantage field goal. I’ll take the points and the Bears in a close one.

Kyle Orton, winner. #NoBolo

Miggsy’s Monster Lock of the week: New England Patriots -9 @ Indianapolis Colts PICK: PATRIOTS -9
If you thought last week’s Dallas game was ugly wait to see this game. All of this Deflategate nonsense originated in Indianapolis. All the leaks, all the crying, all the hearings were caused by this fuckin' team. They can’t beat us on the field so they resort to schoolyard tactics and running home to mommy. It's insanely pathetic that the NFL would even take their drug addict owner seriously ( ). They want to talk about “integrity of the game.” Somehow, this guy’s DUI and drug possession is upholding the integrity of the game. If a player did that he’d be suspended for infinity but not a white billionaire owner. He’s allowed to slander one the flagship organizations in the league and one of the best all-time players on the field and one of the most well respected players off of it. Brady is a golden boy because he is a legit goody two shoes. All the guy does is win football games, raise his model family and give his time and money to charity. Shout out to .

I could go on about this for days but I’m choking on my own rage over here. It makes me so mad. If Deflategate motivation doesn’t put lead in your pencil, how about some stats?  The 9.5 pt spread is nothing. The Colts haven’t beat us since 2009 when they beat us by 1 in Indy. Most Pats fans will remember that game. We were leading by 6 with two minutes to go and Belichick went for it on fourth and 2. We got stuffed and Peyton Manning cashed in. That’s right their current star QB, Andrew Luck was still swimming in his daddy's ball bag in 2009 (lotta dick and ball jokes in this week’s column). Since then we have DOMINATED this team. Our average margin of victory has been 21 pts. That’s why you have had to hear about air pressure in footballs because we dismantle this team. Brady and Belichick are gonna stick it in Colts just like Teddy KGB did to little Mike McDermott the first time they played heads up in Rounders.

B-Cuddy's Picks

I’M BACK BABY!!!! Another perfect 4 points. That’s 14 points on the year, and a record of 11-4. Not too shabby if I do say so myself. I was headed for a slump, but that lasted all of 1 week. I took a quick break from being at the top of the mountain. Frumpy and Cue-ball couldn’t take advantage. Miggsy’s reign at the top was shorter than his golf drives. Guy has to use a 3-wood for his 2nd shot on par 3’s. It’s embarrassing. I’d make fun of Danny’s golf game too, but what can you say about a guy who misses the ball completely? Stevie Wonder has better hand-eye coordination. Anyways…

Last week I got back to basics, and it proved successful. Grabbed a home underdog, went against a bad team laying too many points, and picked the Pats. That’s a solid formula to follow. However, I won’t be doing that this time. I HATE the games this week. Most have Stay-Away written all over them. Ultimately, I’m going to end up taking 3 road favorites. THREE OF 'EM!!!! It’s a recipe for disaster and I wouldn’t be surprised if I was on the wrong side of each pick. This could be a huge opportunity for the other 2 stooges. Will they seize it? My guess is no.  Because they’re stupid. On to the picks.

Cincinnati (-3) @ Buffalo – The Pick = CINCY -3
God help me, I’m taking Andy Dalton on the road. He’s playing great now. A complete 180 from what we’re used to. Did he stop thinking about sex and become a genius? Dalton is reading defenses like never before. “2 deep safeties, press coverage…ABSOLUTE ZERO, OF COURSE!!” But we all know that 3 INT game is lurking. Part of me fears it’s this week. So why pick them? EJ Manuel is going to start for Buffalo. And all of their running backs are either banged up or bad at football. Not a good combo if you ask me. I think Cincy continues to roll and wins by double digits. I just hope there aren’t any Portuguese waitresses in Buffalo.

Arizona (-3) @ Pittsburgh – The Pick = ZONA -3
Outside of the Rams game, Arizona has been great this season. I don’t think it’s a fluke, and they’re probably 1 of the 5 best teams in the league. The Steelers won a crazy game Monday night. But it was against San Diego, whom quite frankly, I think is shit. Hey great pick Danny (YIKES). The Steelers have to almost completely rely on Le’Veon Bell. (Not sure on spelling. I thought Le’Veon was the name of a shampoo or a lotion). The Cardinals know this and will make Michael Vick try to beat them. If any of the corners for San Diego could catch, Vick would have thrown 3 interceptions and the Steelers would have lost convincingly. He won’t be so lucky Sunday. I expect at least 2 turnovers. If Big Ben & his fat rapey face were playing, I’d probably steer clear of this game. But only laying 3 against the dog murderer is too tempting to pass up.

New England (-9) @ Indianapolis – The Pick = PATS -9
Was there ever a doubt who would be the BOOM pick? I mean, what other choice is really out there? There’s nothing to say about this game that hasn’t already been said. Only two things concern me:

1. This game has a “Backdoor Cover” sign plastered all over it
B. Everyone and their mother is picking the Pats to win by 70

When everyone is on one side of a bet, I get nervous. All of a sudden, the upset of the year happens, and Vegas puts up another tower built on a foundation of tears and shattered dreams. I’m ignoring these warning signs. The Patriots have had this game marked all year. This is the highlight of the “Fuck You" Tour the Pats are on. After the game, Indy can hang another participation banner for being part of the biggest ass-kicking in recent memory. Honestly, that AFC Finalist banner is the most embarrassing thing I’ve seen in sports. How haven’t the Indy fans petitioned to get that thing removed? Having that banner is like Dan and Miggsy celebrating for being in this contest with me. Hopefully they have more pride. Don’t go Colts on me at the end of the season, fellas. 

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