Friday, January 22, 2016

NFL Pick 'em: AFC/NFC Championships

Here we go with the Final Four of NFL combatants. Three of these teams are all that stand in the way of the Patriots 5th championship. 

And for totally outrageous Super Bowl rings, it's Josten's. Go, Josten's!!

Dan's Picks

Will Cam Newton dab his way into the Super Bowl? Will Carson Palmer show some emotion? Will Miggsy’s breath knock out anyone in a 25-foot radius? (Answers in order, Yes, No, FUCK YES)

Arizona @ Carolina (-3.5) THE PICK: CAROLINA
Carson Palmer seems like a lovely man. Probably has a coupla kids, only beats them when they’re real bad and then most likely asks the Lord’s forgiveness on Sundays. Well, this Sunday, he’s the one that’s gonna be taking a beating (Segue city, population, me. NAILED IT). This Panthers defense has been most impressive. Sure, they took the 2nd half off last week and allowed the Seahawks back in the game. But that one looked closer than it actually was. It was never really in doubt. With CAR defense and offense firing on all cylinders, Cam will dabbing his way to San Francisco, the little fairy.

New England @ Denver  O/U 44.5 THE PICK: UNDER 
The only thing worse than Brandon’s taste in music is the arm "strength" Peyton Manning is currently carting out on the field. Chucking the ball along the sidelines with the tenacity of a right-handed school girl throwing lefty, Pey-Pey has been downright dreadful all year. Of course, you wouldn’t know it, what with the compliments being thrown his way by Jim Nantz & crew. It’s a ballwashing the likes of which haven’t been seen since Miggsy’s "accidental" trip to the South End a few weeks ago.

Miggsy waiting for his next "friend"

I expect 44 points exactly to be scored. All by the Patriots. This is gonna be messy.

Miggsy's Picks

It’s as tight as Danny’s hamstrings after walking downstairs to get the mail, at the top of the leaderboard. I’m talking about me vs. Brandon. Rock vs Rap. Light vs Dark. AC/DC vs Drake. I’m so close I can smell the salt from his sweaty gold chain, or is that gold floss? It’s so thin I can’t tell. I bet it has an EYEtalian horn pendant filled with meatballs. That’s like the national symbol of the Guido peoples.  I’m right there and he knows it. He’s nervous and uncomfortable, maybe even a bit paranoid but that's probably from the blunt he just smoked. Are those still a thing?

B-Cuddy and the crew before a nice meal at The Olive Garden.

Let’s pick some football games…

I don’t like the spreads this week at all. Both of these games are pretty evenly matched for the most part. I know Denver looked bad last week and the Pats looked good but to be a road favorite in the AFC fucking championship is aggressive. The fact that it's MORE than a field goal is bananas. I’m staying away. I’m also optimistic that the Cardinals can not only keep up with Carolina but win that game outright. I’m staying away from the spread.

New England Patriots @ Denver Broncos +3.5 – Over/Under 44.5 PICK: OVER
These two teams will be trading blows all game. I’m imagining this game coming down to the last possession with a 27-24 finish. Over city.

Arizona Cardinals @ Carolina Panthers +3.5 – Over/Under 48 PICK: UNDER 
These are two of the best defenses in the league. Yes, their offenses also rank among the top but I see this being a slow and methodical game with a lot of testing things out. Points will be at a premium. Under so hot right now, under.

B-Cuddy's Picks

I can’t shake that bald fuck. He’s all over me like Danny on a pizza inside a Bledsoe jersey. Your boy needs a 2-0 week worse than sober Scotty Pickles needs a drink. Worse than all their girlfriends need a real man. Let’s hammer out some winners…

New England (-3.5) @ Denver – The Pick: PATS -3.5
Well I certainly can’t pick against the Pats here. I think the 3.5 points on the road is a lot though. Especially since the Patriots have a horrid history in Denver. On paper, they’re clearly better. But weird things happen in playoff games. Oh, and there is zero chance of the Pats getting a call in Denver. We all saw that first game this year. GARBAGE. Plus Noodle Arm has the entire NFL in his camp.  I’d also like to advise all Pats fans to watch this game on mute. Jim Nantz & Phil Simms will be announcing, and the sound of them chugging Peyton’s HGH protein will not be suitable for some audiences. Hopefully the Pats take advantage of Denver’s limited offense, and protect Brady well enough for him to find Edelman & Gronk. My hope is a Pats 27-20 kind of victory.

Arizona @ Carolina (OVER/UNDER 48) – The Pick: OVER
The game itself is tough to call. I’m leaning towards Carolina, but I’m not sold on it. And I realize both teams have a good defense. But both defenses have vulnerabilities. There is going to be more scoring than people anticipate in this one. Carolina’s secondary is very mediocre besides Josh Norman. He can only cover one receiver at a time, and the Cardinals trot out three good ones. On the other side, Carolina runs the ball so well that it opens up deep shots even with a lousy receiving corps. I think they trade shots, especially in the second half and end up with a total around 52 points.

Brandon (33-23, 43pts)
Miggsy (33-23, 42pts)
DNM III (25-31, 32pts)

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