Saturday, February 6, 2016

NFL Pick 'em: SuperBowl Week

B-Cuddy’s Super Bowl Pick & Prop Bets

Well this certainly doesn’t have the same feel without the Pats. If their offensive line blocked better than a parking cone, they’d be playing Sunday. Instead, it’s been a Peyton suck fest for the last 2 weeks. I think the guy has had to answer 2 HGH questions. (Now another report is out about Manning hiring private investigators to go “talk” to the Al Jazeera source. Which I’m sure will still be justified by the likes of ESPN). Just compare that to the country shutting down for a squishy football last year. Damn it, I’m getting all pissed off again. Anyways...the Super Bowl is a gambling extravaganza. Even non-gamblers partake. Every office has some kind of pool going. But I never dabble in those. I don’t have the proper disposition to handle losing on a square to Suzy in HR when she’s asking which one is the “blue” team. Then she gets a 7 & 3 for her numbers, and asks “Are those good?” Go fuck yourself, Suzy. For real gamblers, the fun comes from not only the game, but the endless prop bets to choose from. Everything from the coin toss to how many orgasms Jim Nantz will have if Manning completes a 7-yard pass. (The line is 2, hammer the over). So without further ado, here are the best bets for Sunday...

Ya gotta love sports!

Denver vs Carolina (-6) & O/U 45 - The Picks: PANTHERS -6 + UNDER
Might as well get the actual game out of the way first. Everyone is on Carolina. So Denver will probably win or cover because the gambling gods are cruel. But I can’t for the life of me see Carolina losing this game. If they do, it’s because either Newton got hurt, or half their defense gets arrested right before kickoff. As for the Over/Under, I don’t see this game being a shootout. The only way this game going over is if Carolina steamrolls the Broncos and puts up around 40 points on their own, a la Seattle two years ago. Both of these defenses are really good. Add in the typical Super Bowl jitters, and I see low scoring, especially in the first half. Much like how a night with Danny ends, Carolina pulls away after a lackluster time. 26-10, Panthers.

Coin Toss: HEADS -105
Easy money.

First Score of the Game: Panthers Field Goal +350
Love this bet. You’re getting a better payout than a Panthers TD. Figure battling a good defense, this is the way to go.
BONUS: Also throw something on Panther Safety at +3300. You never know.

First Touchdown Scorer: Ted Ginn Jr. +1000
The smart bet is probably Jonathan Stewart +800. But be adventurous for fuck's sake. Newton has hit Ginn for long TDs all year. They will without a doubt take a shot down the field. Probably early. I also like Devin Funchess at +2000. If you want to bet a Bronco, Ronnie Hillman at +1400 is a decent investment.

Gatorade Color: Blue +300
I want to go Red here at +600. But nobody likes the red flavor. I think Carolina goes with a home hue.

First Missed Field Goal Will Be: Short or Blocked +500
Wanna get nuts?...Lets get nuts!

Cam Newton TD Passes: OVER 1.5 -175
Dab city

Peyton Manning Total Interceptions Thrown: OVER 0.5 -225
Easiest bet on the board. This is like betting “Will Scotty Pickles urinate in Miggsy’s pool this summer.” A no-doubter. Noodle arm is good for at least one pick in this game. Probably 2.

Will A Defensive or Special Teams TD be Scored?: YES +145
Something crazy happens every Super Bowl. You’re going to want to be on this side of the bet.

Will There Be An Onside Kick Attempt?: YES +145
My football expertise leads me to believe that the team losing late in the game will need the ball back right away.

How Many Times will “Dab” or “Dabbing” Be Said By Announcers?: OVER 2.5 (EVEN)
Another Lock. Those two vanilla wafers in the booth will awkwardly try to shoehorn the hip lingo in at least 4 times.

Will Ted Ginn Jr. Drop A Pass?: YES -120
This line should be -1500. How he doesn’t have a Butterfinger sponsorship yet is beyond puzzling. I wouldn’t be confident tossing a beer to him, never mind an important pass in the Super Bowl.

How Many Times will Golden Gate Bridge Be Shown During Broadcast?: OVER 0.5 -300
They’re playing the game in Santa Clara. Which I believe was founded by the Germans in 1908. But it’s the new home stadium for the San Francisco 49ers. There’s no god damn way they aren’t showing that bridge.

Will Mike Carey Be Wrong About a Challenge?: YES +135
Are you fucking kidding me? Have you watched any CBS games this season? The guy is ALWAYS wrong.

Will Phil Simms Say Something Dumb?: YES -7000
Ok, so that one isn’t on the board. Even Vegas won’t take those odds.

Will the Ladies at the Super Bowl Party You Attend Talk More During the Game or Commercials?: GAME - 50000
I’m sure of this. It’s in their DNA. They don’t care about stupid sports, so talking during the game is a non-issue. But “OMG! Shhhhhhh! The ad for Budweiser with the horses is on!!!!” Put a bullet in my head now.


Coin Toss: TAILS -105
Easy money.

Lady Gaga national anthem length set at 2:20: UNDER
I know Gaga is typically an intergalactic weirdo. But she’s been oddly normal lately. She’s getting all respectable on TV, and hasn’t been wearing any meat underpants or being transported around in ostrich eggs (that I’ve seen lately). I think she goes conservative here and belts out that tune in a solid 2:12. Or she carts in on a wagon made of midgets and I’m fucked.

Will Ted Ginn drop a pass? Yes/no.
This is the easiest money to make in the world. If you’re short on your next mortgage payment, literally bet the house. There’s one entity on Earth that drops anything more than Ted Ginn, and that’s Verizon with every single goddamn phone call I make. EVERY ONE. It’s amazing. Like I’m living in some fucking cave in Rancho Cucamonga.

Number of times Archie Manning is shown during broadcast.  Over/under  1.5: OVER
The NFL’s state-run media love showing the patriarch of the first family of football. It’s pretty astounding that this awfully mediocre quarterback’s kids have won three Super Bowls between them. The best balls this guy was tossing around were in his yam bag.

Over/under total number of television viewers - 117 million: OVER
Every year they break this record. This year will be no different.

Will there be an earthquake during the game? 10/1: YES
Not an actual one, just Peyton getting the tremors from his HGH withdrawal. This guys gonna be shaking like Teen Wolf by the 3rd quarter.

Number of times sad Peyton will be shown on the sidelines - 2 ½: OVER
Ok,  I made that one up, but its inevitable. After his 3rd interception gets him pulled for BROCK & ROLL, Pey-Pey looking all sad and dejected is gonna be hilarious. They should put it on a postcard.

Number of squares I’ll win in my corrupt cousin’s fixed Super Bowl pool - ZERO: IF POSSIBLE TO PICK UNDER ZERO, PICK UNDER ZERO
Weird how every year John’s wife or mother-in-law come away with multiple victories. I wonder how that happens? Fucking guinea shyster. What a scumbag.


Miggsy's Picks

I love Super Bowl week. It brings out all the frauds, from hipsters and broads who only like the commercials to dudes that like fake sports that pretend to like real ones, like Justin. I heard he only invited a bunch of clams over to watch the game so he could be the person most knowledgeable about football. True story despite whatever editor’s note he adds.  (Editor's Note: 1) Vince McMahon runs a more honest ship than Roger Goodell.  2) At least wrestlers aren't allowed to use HGH anymore.)

Another reason to love the Super Bowl are the prop bets. Prop bets are the crack rocks of the gambling world. You wait for the high with so much hope and anticipation and in an instant they’re over and you’re looking to bet on more props whether you won or lost. It’s fantastic. Let’s bet some props shall we.

Denver vs Carolina (-6) & O/U 45 - The Picks: PANTHERS -6 & OVER
I think the Panther Defense could hit the scoring over with ol' noodle arm out there. Whatever HGH Peyton took it didn’t work. Keuchly and co are returning at least one INT for a TD.

Coin Toss: Head vs Tails
I haven’t had head in a while, can’t go that way. Haven’t had a good piece of tail either, can’t go that way. Ok hows this, the coin lands vertically and they arm wrestle for the first possession. (Seriously, why ARENT they doing this already. It’d be awesome. Carting two mammoth men out there to grapple on one of those Over the Top tables.)

Which song will Coldplay play first during the halftime show: Clocks 15/2 
They gotta come out with the hits and get the crowd on their side early. Clocks has an easily recognizable riff that helps them do that.

Longest touchdown yardage in the game O/U 44.5 yards: Under
The D-backs in this game cover receivers tighter than Turk’s wife makes him cover his little man during primetime.

Will the Panthers player who scores their first TD give the football to a boy -200 or girl +150: Neither
Anyone that brings a child to the SuperBowl should be forced to read all of Justin’s wrestling articles in a row. I don’t care how much little Bobby or Sally like football you just shouldn’t do it.

How many times will the Golden Gate Bridge be shown during the broadcast: Over 0.5
They’re showing the bridge. They’ll also throw in some SF city shots with some strategically placed rainbow flags (not that there’s anything wrong with that). The NFL never passes up an opportunity for good PR.

Can Steph Curry hit a 3-pointer from anywhere in the stadium? Yes -1,000
Of course he can, he’s a freak.

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