Friday, November 4, 2016

NFL Pick 'em 2016: Week 9

by Dan Moore (@SouthieDanimal), Mike Parker (@UncleMiggsy) & Brandon Cuddemi

Dan's Pick

With the premier franchise in sports, the New England Patriots, on the bye, the slate of NFL games this week is ugly. I’m talking UG. I’m taking fuckin’ LEE. I checked the schedule of games on the interwebs this morning and this is what came up.

So we’re picking garbage games, which is fitting, because I’m dealing with two garbage individuals. Brandon’s been all fancy lately, hanging out with some real dandies up in Maine. 100% sure his asshole sounds like it sneezes when he takes a shit. And Miggsy is just a puddle of puke nowadays. The other day watching a game, I thought he was making his own political protest by not standing for the anthem but it turns out that fat shit just couldn’t get up off his couch. The ass groove he’s created in that thing is bigger than the San Andreas fault.  Just a disgusting human being all around.

Sticking with my theme of QBs looking like other people, I’ve noticed that my former favorite bolo-wearing gunslinger looks like a movie star from the 80s.

I’m sick of Rivers. I’ve done a complete 360 on the guy…or a 180. Whatever. Fuck him. I’m on team Mario this week. The road dog vs the Rocky Road-loving twerp above. Screw him. Go Titans.

Miggsy's Pick

Does anyone know the score of this thing? I’m pretty sure I’m in the lead. How can I not be? One of those bozos is still going the Costanza route, and no I’m not talking about balding, I’m talking about betting the opposite of how he actually feels. Too bad he started this strategy AFTER he got engaged. Poor bastard, it coulda saved him some coin and a lot of headaches.  The other guy is Danny, a born loser, betting on anything and everything he can through his little betting app. Betting apps are for college kids. I refuse to get a betting app. Be a man! Find a mobbed-up bookie to take your bets. If you’re not going through a mobbed-up bookie then what’s the point? Losing money is one thing but fearing for your life when the bone breakers come to collect, that’s living my friend. Now let me show you how I’m fattening my bookie’s pockets this week…

Side note: my Bookie’s nickname is “The Pelican” because his big fat neck.

Here's a pic of him after squaring up with me:

New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49ers +4.5: SAINTS -4.5
At some point this week, not sure when, I fell in love with this game. It makes absolutely no sense to me why I like this game. The Saints as favorites on the road is one of the all-time worst bets you can make. And to boot, the 49ers are coming off their bye. Two weeks to study Drew Brees and his no-name wide receivers?!?! Yet I’m drawn to it. I flock to it like the salmon of Capistrano. It might be my distain for Colin Kaepernick. It might be Drew Brees’ bounce back year or it might be because OUR PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!

Brandon and Danny at my wedding (Yes, to a girl).

Brandon's Pick

Hey I got a pick right?! I haven’t been this shocked since the time I found out Danny wasn’t a virgin and Pickles was employed. Somehow that pudgy bald loser is still in first. NO, NOT ME! The other one. Honestly, I don’t know how that guy guesses anything right. I think he takes his orders from the Talking Walnut. Here’s Miggsy as a child…

He's not splitting the atom anytime soon.

On to the pick…

Denver @ Oakland (-1) – The Pick = RAIDERS -1
Last week I went with the opposite of what I truly felt. So I’m rolling with that again. I think Denver wins outright backed by the best defense in the league. So the opposite must be correct. Either this opposite thing will prove to be genius or this Raiders bet will be uglier than the owner, Mark Davis.

It’s like if Danny had a baby with a ginger Lloyd Christmas. That’s a face only a blind mother could love. Let’s just put all the cards on the table; he looks like a pumpkin-colored dong with teeth. I mean, Justin is more attractive. Ok, now I’m exaggerating.

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