Thursday, July 20, 2017

WWE Battleground 2017 Preview & Predictions

Anooooother one??  These WWE PPVs are getting old, friendos.  Fortunately after this Sunday we get a full four weeks before Summerslam.  I can't wait!

Smackdown's latest calamity takes place this Sunday, headlined by one of the dumbest gimmick matches they've ever conjured up (I've made my feelings on this match clear HERE).  Quite frankly (to borrow Vince's favorite phrase) there's only one match on this show I really care about, and I may only watch that one match unless reviews of the other six matches are overwhelmingly positive.  I have enough GOOD wrestling to keep track of this weekend with the G1 Climax tournament in full swing.

Buuuut we gotta predict this turd of a show, so here goes.

***Dave is in the lead with 9/13 (69%), I'm in second with 31/47 (66%), Landon's third with 23/35 (65%), and Dan's bringing up the rear with a paltry 27/47 (57%).  How do you live with yourself Daniel??*** (Dan: Typically by not watching wrestling all that much and having sex with women, you fucking dork.)

Have I mentioned I like Dave Moore better?

Pre-Show match: Tye Dillinger vs. Aiden English

This shit again?  We saw this on the Backlash pre-show and no one cared then.  So let's have a rematch two months later.  Pointless.

Justin: 50-50 booking is WWE's M.O. so Aiden wins here
Dan: I have no idea who these people are.  So Dillinger.
Landon: English
Dave: Aiden English I guess

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. The New Day

This match was pretty good last time and the Usos took a countout loss to keep the belts.  This time I think The New Day get the job done and win them.  I mean who else is gonna dethrone Jimmy & Jey?  American Alpha just got split up for some reason ('The fuck are they goin' with this Angle-Jordon nonsense?), Breezango are fun but they're a comedy duo, and the Ascension and the Colons are persona non grata, so there's no one else left.  Jeezus this tag division stinks.

Justin: The New Day
Dan: Usos
Landon: New Day, who cares?
Dave: New Day

Sami Zayn vs. Mike Kanellis

Well apparently WWE read my rant yesterday about how badly they're treating Sami.  Either that or it's a total coincidence.  I'd like to believe the former.  Anyway, good to see Sami's getting a PPV match at least.  Now, does he get his win back or do they continue with Kanellis's momentum?  My brain says one thing, my heart says another.

Justin: Eh, I'll be optimistic and say Sami.  Because WWE clearly read my rant yesterday.  Yeah, that's it.....
Dan: No clue who Kanellis is.  So he's my pick.
Landon: Kanellis.  Still trying to figure out what he has, besides the sexiest woman in wrestling.
Dave: Yeah, that other dude that's not Sami.  He wins.

Flag Match: John Cena vs. Rusev

Sorry, what year is this?  We're doing a flag match?  Really?  Between the evil foreigner WWE Champion and this drivel we've slipped back to the Reagan era apparently.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see John Cena back, but does anyone care about this feud at this point?  Cena crushed Rusev like a tin can two years ago and poor Rus' hasn't been the same since.

Justin: Cena wins obviously
Landon: Rusev can have no nice things.  Cena.  (JB: Well, Rusev's wife is quite nice.  Quite.)
Dave: Cena, I mean come on.

Women's 5-way Elimination Match: Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Lana

Which of these five doesn't belong?  Hmmmm.  This match could actually be fun if the eliminations aren't right on top of each other.  I guarantee someone gets knocked out of the match within the first minute though.  Because, "SURPRISE!!"  Naomi is oddly not defending the belt on this show so I have to think she goes into SummerSlam as the Champion.  Which means a heel has to win here.

Justin: Natalya
Dan: Uhhhh...Lana
Landon: Charlotte
Dave: Natalya, who cares?

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin

Well they teased Nakamura vs. AJ at Money in the Bank, but we're getting this instead.  Hopefully AJ vs. Nak will happen at SummerSlam then.  I'm still not feelin' this Baron Corbin push.  His offense is so generic except for his finisher, and he desperately needs either hair plugs or a buzz cut.  Nak should be able to get a solid match out of him though.

Justin: Nakamura wins to set him up for AJ, while the briefcase hangs like an albatross around Corbin's neck.  Just what a guaranteed WWE Title match should do.  Morons....
Dan: Nakamura
Landon: Fuck.  Nakamura.
Dave: Corbin has the case.  That's his prize for this PPV.  Nakamura needs this heading into SummerSlam.

US Championship: AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens

This one right here.  This is the one match I'm really looking forward to on this show.  They had a fine encounter at Backlash but it felt like the first in a series.  Now we should get a continuation that blows that match out of the water.  No reason this can't be a WWE Match of the Year candidate.  AJ just won the belt at a house show so I think he retains here.

Justin: AJ retains
Dan: Yes
Landon: AJ defends.  Has to go on to fight Cena at SummerSlam.
Dave: Styles, 'cause he's awesome.

WWE Championship Punjabi Prison Match: Jinder Mahal vs. Randy Orton

This is really fuckin' stupid.  Did I mention you can read my full thoughts on this match HERE?  I hate everything about this scenario.  I hate the match gimmick, I hate the Jinder Mahal push, I hate that Randy Orton is STILL in the WWE Title picture despite not having delivered one truly noteworthy match since his return a year ago.  This has to be the worst-ever WWE Title feud, or at least the worst since Orton-Wyatt.  Man, this belt is takin' a pounding.  On a roster that includes AJ Styles, Kevin Owens, Shinsuke Nakamura, Sami Zayn, Dolph Ziggler, Chad Gable, Luke Harper and John Cena, how in God's name is this the main event feud for the third straight month?  This match is gonna suck.

Justin: Jinder retains.  Who gives a shit?
Dan: Licker MyBalls retains
Landon: Jinder
Dave: Jinder, but this is the third main event no one cares about.

Sigh.....there's your PPV folks.  Enjoy it, if you can.

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