The Worst Thanksgiving EVER

Since Turkey Day is upon us, my associate Dan Moore and I would like to share with you our worst Thanksgiving memories.  Enjoy, if you can.....


Dan's Worst Thanksgiving

Gather 'round children, as I tell you a tale conjured from the combined nightmares of Jason Voorhees, The Babadook and Khloe Kardashian. At a Thanksgiving feast a few years ago, my family trekked to Auntie Patty and Uncle Benny’s house. Uncle Benny was the best cook in the family, and also a true vulgarian, so it was always a blast to eat some bird and listen to him say outrageous things to the old ladies in attendance. A marvelous human being.

A typical Thanksgiving scene welcomed me with open arms as I walked into my aunt’s house. There was bread being baked, glass cornucopias filled with fake fruits, and a banquet table with a giant, steroid-filled turkey and all the fixings. Stuffing, squash (the baby puke of sides), corn, cranberry sauce (the Jell-O from hell) and that’s it. WAIT. WHAT? In one of the most preposterous moves in the history of gluttony, Uncle Benny decided that year NOT to make mashed potatoes. Seriously. Just gone. The fucking glue of the Thanksgiving meal was cast aside like a late hobo at the soup kitchen.

It was, to put it mildly, disappointing. There were many tears shed that day at the lack of the beautiful mound of swirly goodness. We should’ve been laying our heads on the opaque pile of buttery flavor. Instead, we were pelted in the head with starchy, overcooked rocks.  He decided on roasted potatoes that year. ROASTED. The red-headed stepchild of the potato family. Motherfucker coulda thrown French fries my way and I woulda been happier. At least with the abundance of gravy about, I coulda made some poutine. It’s still brought up to this day in our family, and I for one will never forget that blackest of holidays.  It was a truly brutal nut punch. That’s the worst kind of punch. Right on the nut.

The only way that Thanksgiving could’ve been worse:

Justin's Worst Thanksgiving

I got that beat.  I got that beat.

In the late 90s I joined my parents for Thanksgiving at their friends' house.  It was a large gathering, with kids and grandkids running around, making so much noise I couldn't hear myself fantasizing about Steve Austin fighting Bill Goldberg (Listen, you fantasize about what you want to and I'll fantasize about what I want to.  Assholes....).  We proceeded to gather around the two adjacent tables (since there isn't a dining table in the free world big enough to accommodate this bloated roster), and after piling roughly 64 pounds of Thanksgiving accoutrements onto my structurally stressed plate, I discovered to my horror that my hosts did not provide gravy.

I'd like to repeat that last part: DID NOT PROVIDE GRAVY.

What kind of Communist jamboree had I been dragged to where I'm expected to eat white-meat turkey (typically the dryest of meats) without drizzling a gushing torrent of scrumptious, buttery, brown fat all over my plate?  This was intolerable.  What's for dessert, a bucket of sand?  Sawdust in a bag? A tablespoon of Nestle Quik?  Now I know what Hell looks like.

No thank you, kind sir and madam.  Good day to you!


Comment below with some of your Thanksgiving horror stories, and join us on Facebook, Twitter, MeWe and YouTube!

Girl Scout Cookies Are Complete & Utter Trash

By Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Well, it’s that time of year again. When a bunch of people that work in an office are forced by some pushy asshole co-worker to overpay for some shit cookies being sold by a cabal of prepubescent minions in uniforms for a scam “fundraiser”. That’s right, it’s Girl Scout cookie season.

A rainbow of rubbish

This fucking shakedown has been perpetrated on the American public for literally centuries*. These god-awful bullshit cookies are pushed upon you by some doting mother, probably with an asshole name, like Paige or Alice. “Would you like to overpay for some flavorless sugar discs” she’ll say. And lest you be chastised by the whole fucking office, you acquiesce and say “Sure, give me a box of that garbage where the carboard holding the cookies is tastier than the bullshit cookie itself”. Then she’ll say “oh, only one?” and fucking Karen in accounting will give you that look of disdain, like you’re some kind of monster for only getting one box full of plain flour slices (seriously, fuck you, Karen). So you get two. And she says “ok that’s 9 cookies for a thousand dollars, thanks asshole”.

*(probably not literally).

I hate the whole racket. The fake specialness of those awful cookies. The little sprites in their fucking sashes accosting me outside the Market Basket trying to get me to overpay for their dumpster cookies. Uh, hey, Prudence, or Zima or whatever the fuck horrible name your parents gave you, I just came from the super market. I got BAGS of good cookies, sweetheart. Oreos UP THE ASS. Good shit, like Chips Ahoy and/or Deluxe, whatever your Chips preference is, I got it. And there’s a TON of those motherfuckers in very affordable packages.

GOAT

And what the fuck are you doing by the supermarket exit selling cookies? Hey, newsflash Nadia, I ALREADY BOUGHT COOKIES. Why would I get more when I’m leaving? Who the fuck taught you marketing? There’s ZERO chance I’m buying anything by the exit of the place I just left, unless it’s a bar and there’s cocaine. It’s common sense. Jesus Christ.

Let’s rate these motherfuckers.

The Peanut Butter ones—legit, the only decent tasting one, and that’s being kind, because these are still fucking terrible. The peanut butter to “cookie” ratio is waaaaaaaaaay fucking off. It tastes like dried dough with a slight peanut butter texture.

RATING: On a taste of ass to total ass, it tastes slightly worse than ass.

Thin Mints---the fuck outta my face with this bullshit. A thin disc of smashed up toothpaste is what this is. “Oh you gotta put them in the freezer for the best taste” I’m gonna put you in the freezer if you don’t shut the fuck up. When I need instructions on how to make your vomit cookies actually taste good, that means they suck and you should go to hell.

RATING: Pure minty hell.

Samoas---“Here, have a bite of racism!” What the fuck is with this name? They’re destroying a beautiful culture by having them be associated with this monster. Caramel and chocolate all mixed up with coconut? I’d rather get a handy from Freddy Krueger than try to down these abominations.

RATING: Complete and utter ASS.

If these look enticing to you, go jump in traffic. 

Tagalongs---more like fuckalongs.

RATING: Balls. Pure balls.

Fuck these cookies. Straight dumpster cuisine.

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Brewery Reviewery: John Harvard's Brewery & Ale House (Framingham, MA)

Welcome to another edition of Brewery Reviewery, here at Enuffa.com! Today I'll be talking about a place I hadn't frequented since a lifetime ago.....

John Harvard's Brewery & Ale House

1 Worcester Rd.

Framingham, MA

Welp, it had been a good fifteen years since I last visited John Harvard's Brewery & Ale House, and back in 2003 I wasn't a drinker of real beer.  Thus the only JH microbrew I enjoyed at the time was their American Lager (I think that was the name), which was essentially a glorified Budweiser clone.  Now that I actually understand what good beer tastes like, it seemed time to revisit this chain establishment.  And goddamn if John Harvard doesn't have some hella good stuff on tap....

The old-timey decor fits right into the colonial theme.....

First off, the food.  Their menu is loaded with comfort choices, from burgers to pizza to chicken pot pie to meatloaf (my wife's choice on this particular occasion - deliciously grilled no less).  After enjoying their homemade beer bread and soft pretzels with spicy mustard and beer cheese (How do you type out the "Oh my sweet lord this food is delicious" kiss gesture?  MMMWAH!!!)  I went with the pastrami panini, topped with cheese and served on a grilled bun with fries.  This was a spectacular sandwich, complete with French au jus for dipping.  The lean pastrami was tender and flavorful, and the portion size was just enough to get satisfyingly full.  I'd order this meal again in a heartbeat.

Well, hello delicious.....

Bare Naked (Chicken) Ladies

by Sok Maher

Taco Bell pulled a KFC on us and invented an item where fried chicken replaces the flour based carbohydrate-rich outer layer.  This food item needs no introduction, but for posterity’s sake I give to you the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa (NCC)!

Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry for a review.  But this, my friends, is more than just a review; it’s a confession.  Here it goes… I HAVE NEVER EATEN A KFC DOUBLE DOWN.  I know, I know.  I can hardly believe it myself.  This is one of those classic, “I’m not mad… I’m disappointed” situations.  

Love at first bite?  Pretty damn close.  This chicken is spiced up real nice.  Not really a fan of cold, raw tomatoes, but even they are tolerable when wrapped in this deep fried deliciousness.  I wish someone would wrap me up in a piece of deep fried chicken   On to the review…



Flavor – So the chicken really makes or breaks the NCC.  This should come as no surprise for a sandwich made entirely of chicken.  It is perfectly spiced, perfectly cooked, and I’m pretty sure gluten-free for all you hypochondriacs out there.  I’d say it’s at least 90% actual chicken.  It’s rare that anything I do is 90% pure.  Gracias Taco Bell.  I give this 5 sombreros on the standard 5 sombrero scoring system.
   

Let’s Give 'Em Somethin' to Taco Bout: Taco Bell's Rolled Chicken Taco

by Sok Maher

It’s noon on Wednesday. Meetings are over. Work is done-ish. There’s an adage about “idle hands” that I don’t remember, but I’m sure it applies here. Boredom and overeating have always been the Batman and Robin of my sustenance.

Which leads us to today’s subject, the Taco Bell Rolled Chicken Taco. You might know them by their American name “taquitos”. Thankfully for those who don’t “hablo ingles," they gave it the more traditional Mexican name of “Rolled Chicken Tacos”. I was first introduced to the taquito in college. Sam’s Club was kind enough to keep industrial sized bags of them frozen for us, and we, in turn, were kind enough to devour all of the taquitos from the hours of 1am – 4am later that night. Have my tastes matured? Have any of my body parts matured? Let’s go to the tale of the tape…

With a Little Bit of Chicken Fries

by Sok Maher

With a little bit of Chicken Fries…  

Our author, both scared and intrigued....

Here I sit with an enigma.  Meetings throughout the day with limited time to spare before the lunch hunger peaked and I would either A) pass out or…  Well it looks like Option A won.  This is now 10 minutes later.  Luckily I awoke to the aroma of deep fried chicken product mixed with cheese product.  In my list of Top 10 Things Humans Created, fake foods are the majority of them (Seedless watermelon is the #1 fake food, #2 of all things ever).  So I did what anyone would do when they smelled something close to their head.  I ate it.  Here’s how it went.

This box is mesmerizing.....

In my opinion, Burger King has always had superior chicken nuggets to McDonald’s.  Something about them just made them seem more like chicken than the McNugget, not to mention those creepy commercials when they made the McNuggets look like people.

Good call Ronald.  I was on the fence with your McNuggets because it lacked a certain cannibalistic appeal.  Thanks for making them more to my liking.

Fast forward to today.  I just read an article about pumpkin spice Eucharists, so clearly the human race has lost all control.  With that being said, Cheetos Chicken Fries aren’t really all that outrageous.  Chicken and cheese have been a happy couple for centuries and Burger King does nothing to put their relationship in jeopardy.  And now the tale of the tape…

Wastin' Away Again in Whopperritoville......

Introducing our newest Enuffa.com contributor, expert in garbage cuisine, and good friend Sok Maher (Proununced Sook, as in “Look, it’s Sook, he has more shitty food with him”). He dared tackle Burger King’s newest menu item today.  

Wastin' Away Again in Whopperritoville... Searchin' for myyyy lost packet of sauce. 

(The Definitive Whopperrito Review)

This was clearly the first Whopperrito of the day, as I overheard an employee remark, "Hey, I've never made one of these yet... Where's the level?" While I am unsure of how precisely parallel it is to the floor, I am sure that it was an enjoyable eat. Not outstanding. Not life-changing. Is it better than a Doritos Locos Taco? No. That is more due to my unwavering love for Doritos than anything. Let's go to the tale of the tape (All scores based on a 1 - 5 system, 5 being the best)....


Flavor - 3

I'm just not a Whopper guy really. In Dracut/Lowell the BK is (was?) two plots down from the McDonald's. I think I've been to that BK less than five times in my entire life. But there is nothing that makes this an "-ito" aside from the soft tortilla shell... No Mexican spices. No traditional burrito add-ons like sour cream, guac, or beans. Or maybe I'm just not a Whopper guy.


Price - 4

Just over $3. The meal, which includes a drink, fries, and a mule is like $7. I'm severly underestimating the cost of making mediocre fries and fountain beverages. I am guessing if you have the app, they are practically giving these things away. But that combo meal price is just too alto for this chico.


Food Quantity - 5 

This is where the Whopperrito shines (if you're obese). One Whopperrito with no sides left me with that delightful feeling of contentness. Now, could I eat another? Please stop reading now if you think not. But two would fully satisfy a hungry Sok, while one will satiate my appetite in between feedings. 5/5!!!


Intangibles - 2

The Whopperrito name is gold, Jerry. Gold. But that's about it. This is essentially a half step away from emptying a chicken caesar wrap and filling it with a blended Whopper. If you know a better way to get soft tortilla shells, I'm all ears.


Overall - 3

The only fun thing about the Whopperrito is saying it. And maybe wondering why an employee needs a level to make one. I guess the only way to properly rate the Whopperrito is to rank it with the other gimmick foods.


My list...

Lobster Roll (McD) < Double Down (KFC) < Mozzarella Sticks (McD) < Whopperrito (BK) < Hot Dog (BK) < McRib (McD) < Doritos Locos Taco (TB) < Famous Bowl (KFC).

So there you have it. Whopperrito is better than McDonald's mozzarella sticks. I guess I could have saved like 400 words and just put it that way.