Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Thomas the Tank Engine Pisses Me Off

People who know me are well aware of the fact that I get worked up to absurd levels about stupid shit that in the long run affects no one.  Hell, if you've been reading my work on this website you've probably gotten a more than adequate sense of this.

Well sir, today I'll be bitching about my son's favorite television program, Thomas the Tank Engine.  For those of you who aren't familiar, Thomas the Tank Engine takes place on the fictional island of Sodor in a time and place vaguely resembling turn-of-the-century England.  All the major characters are anthropomorphic train engines.  They all speak to each other, have thoughts and feelings, and each episode often parallels events that young children go through, and contain a life lesson at the end.

Now due to my own unreasonably vigorous awareness of logic (or lack thereof) I get super analytical watching these stupid shows.  There are multiple episodes where the trains are hauling large, poorly secured objects on their flatbeds, and inevitably at some point they go over a bump and the object falls off. 

For instance there's an episode where Thomas has to move a giant tank of bubble soap from one location to another (this clown Mr. Bubbles needs them to get his bubble soap to the venue where he's performing), and as he goes over bumps, the soap spills out all over the place.  Now look, I accept the fact that these are magical trains who can speak and think and are cognizant.  What I cannot accept is that any self-respecting railroad engineer of any intelligence would load a large vat of liquid onto a train flatbed WITHOUT A COVER. 

Yeah this looks like a sound plan.  Dick.

Who, in the name of all things holy, THE FUCK, would ever convey any large quantity of liquid in this fashion??  It should be noted that Thomas doesn't realize the soap is spilling, and by the end of his journey is aghast to discover the tank is empty.  Yup, every single drop of goddamn bubble juice is strewn about Sodor.  Christ, did Thomas unwittingly run over a pile of Cadillacs on his way to the party??

Along similar lines there's an episode where two engines, TWO mind you, have to transport a different object for Mr. Bubbles (This guy is a real boil on my ass, I tell ya): a giant balloon.....which is fully inflated.  They actually inflate the fucking balloon ahead of time and haphazardly strap it down with ropes.  Not shockingly it slips out and ends up floating away, and the trains have to go back to get another balloon, whereupon the entire ordeal is repeated.  Look, shitheads.  Have Mr. Bubbles get on the train with his cargo folded up neatly in a box, so he can inflate the balloons when you get to his destination.  No decently run railroad would ever in a million shit-eating years be this inept when it comes to transporting freight.  They'd be outta business faster than you can say "dimwitted talking engines."

And there goes the balloon.  Ya know what, fuck this party.

Evidently the life lesson to be learned from these two episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine is: Don't be a dipshit.

I've actually wasted real calories getting angry about this crap.  Ya know what, I've decided my son ain't watching this show anymore; I don't want him growing up this far detached from common sense.  Fuuuuuuck me.....

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