Friday, October 2, 2015

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: The Frozen

by Dan Moore

I love horror movies, so I'm watching one a day in October.  There's no rhyme or reason to the flicks I'm watching. Some I've never seen, some I have. Join the discussion on Twitter with #31Movies31Days  

Day Two: The Frozen (2012)

Director: Andrew Hyatt
Stars: Brit Morgan, Seth David Mitchell

No, it's not the Disney cartoon. That's its own horror story. This one's about a young couple, Mike and Emma, who decide to spend a romantic, long weekend away. When I wanna go on a vacation, I go to Aruba or Mexico. Somewhere tropical and warm. These two dickheads decide to go to Mount ColdAsFuck. Like, this is legit the area they camp in.

Yeah, it is...ok fine it's not. Whatever.  Fuck you

As they trek there on the rented snowmobile, they crash it, miles away from civilization. When they come to, they realize they're fucked six ways from Sunday. Why? They're both dumb, that's why. They make no attempt to catch food and they barely move from their tent (Oh yea, Emma is preggers too, and weak as shit). I've watched far too many episodes of Man Vs. Wild to be unbiased here. Their survival skills SUCK. Make a deadfall for me, one time.

Plus, there's some hillbilly who may be real and may be stalking them. It's never really made clear (until "Ye Olde Plot Twist"). And that's where all the supposed scares are coming from. But if you're scared by this movie, you've never gone camping. It's all lightweight "Blair Witch" tactics. Shaky tents, screaming and weird noises.

This movie is not good. The story sucks, the scares suck and the title sucks. The only redeeming factor is Brit Morgan. She was quite good in this. She plays the quiet, reserved woman perfectly. There's a scene where she's sitting by the campfire, talking to her unborn child which is quite touching and ultimately heartbreaking. If she stays away from this schlock, she should have a future. She's the real deal, as opposed to her male counterpart, who sucked worse than any actor I've watched in the last two days has sucked. God awful.

THE GOOD: Brit Morgan. The original music was good and had a bit of a John Carpenter vibe. The production value and cinematography were also very good. The movie doesn't look cheap at all.

THE BAD: Mitchell's acting. Planning a vacation on a fucking glacier. The nonexistent scares.

THE DUMB: If you don't see the plot twist coming from a mile away, your horror membership card is revoked. Christ, when the event that serves as the catalyst for the twist happens, I audibly said (all alone, mind you) "Ah, here's the ending." So bad.

SHIT OR HIT: Pure shit. Don't waste your time.

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