Monday, June 6, 2016

Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode 7 ("The Broken Man")

by Dan Moore


In a classic case of "We never saw the body so this guy is probably still alive," Sandor Clegane, AKA The Hound, showed up right away in last night’s episode. The producers went right into the opening of the show, skipping the theme music, which threw me off for a minute. But all was forgiven when I got a look at the roadkill-like face of everyone’s favorite Clegane. The Hound was left for dead but was found by cocksucking Al Swearengen (I have no clue what his name was last night, as I don’t think they called him anything but a septon, so he’s Al fucking Swearengen to me).

Hail to the seven fucking Gods, cocksucker. 

Al saved the Hound from imminent death and in the intervening time, he’s shown the Hound how to not be such a bloodthirsty scumbag. Al knows this from experience, as he is a now reformed killer himself. Of course, his backstory doesn’t get much more than a paragraph because Al is straight up murdered by a buncha dudes on horseback. In fact, they kill all of Al’s merry men, and the last scene we have is of the Hound grabbing an axe, presumably out to get vengeance for the death of his new friends.

In the short term, I’d say those three dudes are FUCKED. The Hound don’t play around. In the long run, you know his return means right? CLEGANE BOWL, CLEGANE BOWL, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

They better get this on PPV with Jim Ross calling this fight, WWE style.

The other big development last night was that right before Arya was about to leave Braavos, she was used as a pin cushion by the faceless girl-person whose name I don’t know either. Sensing a pattern here? Arya pays off the captain of a boat for passage to Westeros in the morning…as it turns out, that wouldn’t work out. She’s up and stabbed and to avoid death, the youngest Stark girl jumps in the water to escape. Will she live? Who knows (Yes, she will).

What that plot actually did was piss me off. What was the point of Arya training to be a faceless man for the last few years? She went to Braavos, did some missions, killed some folk, went blind, got taught to eat the business end of Donatello’s bo staff, and now gets stabbed? That’s it? This seems like it was just a huge waste of time at this point. Something bigger better be afoot here, because I watched that little girl get her ass kicked in training montages not seen since the days of Kickboxer, and God knows Jean Claude Van Damme did it better.

JCVD was a few seasons behind and is just now watching
the Mountain vs Red Viper fight.

Back in King’s Landing, we find out that Margaery has been faking her allegiance to the High Sparrow, in a move I would say we all saw coming. She talks to her Grandma and gives her a note. And on the note…was a drawing of a flower…ok… I know it’s the Tyrell family symbol, but there better be some goddamn hieroglyphics hidden in that thing or else I don’t get it. After faking a brainwashing to get out from under the High Sparrow, she slips her nana the equivalent of a high school note - “Do you like me? check this box for yes”? BE BETTER MARGAERY!

And her Nana, played by the excellent Diana Rigg, absolutely ROASTS Cersei tonight. In a verbal barrage we haven’t seen since the demise of Tywin Lannister, Lady Olenna essentially tells the former Queen “Seeing you being hated by everyone here is awesome, eat a dick, lady, OLENNA OUT!” It was marvelous.


---Jon, Sansa and Ser Davos are meandering all over the North trying to drum up some help for the war against the Boltons at Winterfell. They’re not having much luck. But Davos (who I could listen to for hours. That Irishman’s got a sing-song voice that…moves things) convinces the young Lady Mormont to help them out. And they’re rewarded with…62 fighting men. Methinks Jon & company are in trouble.

---Jaime and Bronn arrive at Riverrun. That’s right, Bronn is back, bitches. One of my favorite characters has returned, as pissed off and cranky as ever. They have a meeting with the Blackfish that only ends in scorn and hatred. This battle should be a good one.

--- And finally, Theon is told by his sister Yara to sack up…even though he lacks sack. Speaking of, please hurry up and be a man again, Theon. He’s been moping through this show for four seasons now. It’s quite boring to watch him be a crybaby week in & week out.  She tells Theon her plan is to head to Mereen (which is absent this week) to combine powers with the Dragon Queen.  Then Yara goes off with some whore. So maybe the Greyjoys and Targaryens can still combine powers in marriage. If that happens, the bedding of those ladies' wedding night will break all ratings records. EVER.

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