Monday, January 22, 2018

The Hardships of Being a New England Patriots Fan

by Dan Moore

The New England Patriots vanquished the Jacksonville Jaguars to move on to their record 10th Super Bowl. It is their 3rd in the last 4 years and their 8th since 2000. It is a spectacular run the likes of which has never been seen in professional football. But I'm not here today to talk about how awesome the Pats are or how beautiful Tom Brady is or how big a johnson Bill Belichick has. No. I've done all that.

I'm here to talk about how awful this is for us Pats fans. I mean, this winning all the time really takes a toll on all of us. Here are my major gripes about the Patriots being the greatest team in football ever:


Figuring out where to go for the Super Bowl usually isn't that tough. Mainly because your loser teams aren't in it. But we here in New England hafta figure it out yearly. Do you know how hard that is? I mean, do you go to someone's house or a bar? Do you order pizza AND wings (yes)? And what kind of drugs are allowed? Are you at some loser's house where you can only smoke weed? Or at a cool guy's house, a guy named Tank, where the cocaine falls freely like a snowstorm? These things take planning and it's not easy to plan the biggest party of the year every year.


See this here?

WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. I had this banner for like 8 minutes before it became useless. So I replaced it with this.  

Now with the Pats going back to the Super Bowl, there's a strong likelihood that this banner will also become pointless. Just another jizz rag in the jerkoff store of life. I find it rude, nay, downright IMPOLITE of the Patriots to continue to be so dominant that they make me buy new banners and shirts every year just so I can keep up with all the championships. I'm fucking broke over here. 


Just kidding. This one makes me laugh and get hard. 



UGH another one? Ok, let's put on all our new expensive gear, jump on the train and head into town to watch the Patriots celebrate another Super Bowl victory with a parade. I mean, these parades are really getting to be a major crimp in my time. TEN PARADES since 2000? How am I supposed to keep up. God, my feet hurt just thinking about walking the parade route AGAIN. 

Once More Into The Fray

I hope I've enlightened most of you on how much of a strain all this winning does to our brains. It's a terrible burden that I hope none of you have to deal with. And if you're not a Patriots fan, you won't have to deal with it. Because your teams suck. And so do you. 

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