Thursday, January 25, 2024

WWE Royal Rumble 2024 Preview & Predictions

It's that time of year again, where WWE actually makes an effort to get people excited, which means it must be Royal Rumble season....

Aaand once again this stupid company has barely announced anyone for these Rumble matches, because they've trained their audience to think "surprises" are preferable to a field of 30 viable contenders who have ongoing storylines with each other.  Nah, just a series of entrance pops, people do some stuff, and everyone gets thrown out except one.  I've said it before, but for a company (and fanbase) allegedly so concerned with "where's the story?" WWE sure puts no thought into making these Rumble matches meaningful.  Aside from a few of the big names confronting each other with "I'm gonna throw you over," "Nuh uh, I'm gonna throw YOU over," there's zero going on here.  Eh, who are we kidding, everyone in that company is just keeping the place warm till Dwayne shows up.

Let's pick some winners....

US Championship: Logan Paul vs. Kevin Owens

This might actually steal the show, as Paul is always fun to watch and Owens is one of the best workers in the company.  With only four matches on the card as of now, this should get plenty of time to breathe.  Sounds like fun.

Pick: Logan retains

Women's Royal Rumble

**Note: WWE couldn't even be bothered to make website graphics for either Rumble match.**

Seriously, these assholes have only announced six women for this thing.  Six.  You have Bayley, Becky, Nia, Bianca, Maxxine Dupri, and Ivy Nile.  The last two you can scratch off the list of potential winners.  Bianca just won it a few years ago, Becky won it five years ago, and Nia stinks.  So that leaves Bayley, who if she wins will I assume choose to challenge her stablemate Iyo Sky, thus turning babyface.  It's possible Jade Cargill debuts here, although considering how green she still is, debuting her in a 30-person match could be a disaster.  It's also possible Mercedes MonĂ© returns to WWE but the rumors claim she is AEW bound.  Aside from that, you'll have your regular midcard women and a few names from the past like always.  And no real stories told, just a buncha random entrances and exits.

Pick: Bayley

WWE Universal Championship: Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton vs. AJ Styles vs. LA Knight

This here is pretty weak shit, although it'll have a lot less dead time than your average Roman match.  Randy and AJ will look good, Knight will look....competent I guess, Roman will work in slow motion and someone will interfere to help him keep the title so The Rock can swipe another WrestleMania main event spot from a full-timer who deserves it more.  Hey Cody, I'll bet AEW would love to let you *actually* finish your story.  Roman's obviously not losing the title here.

Pick: Roman retains

Men's Royal Rumble

Only slightly more thought-out than the women's field, this match has eight names announced.  Just over 25% of the field.  Guys, if you want to have effective surprise entrants, announce all but 3-5 names.  Then the surprises would actually mean something.  Having 22 "mystery" participants, most of whom work there full-time, isn't surprising.  "Hey, SURPRISE, it's Otis!"  Whoa, he's only on literally every RAW episode, I'm truly shocked he showed up here!  Anyway, this match boils down to either Cody, Drew, Gunther or, making his WWE in-ring return after ten years, Phil.  Rumor has it this week that Cody is getting porked again and isn't going to be challenging Roman at all in Philly, and that Phil isn't challenging Seth either; instead the rumblings are that Cody and Punk will be wrestling each other, despite their having set up Punk vs. Seth two months ago.  Meanwhile Seth vs. Gunther is rumored to be happening.  Who knows if any of this is true or not; the source was Sports Illustrated but WWE could've put out bogus information just to fuck with everyone.  But if Dwayne is indeed taking the spot against Roman and Cody isn't, it's truly 2014 all over again, just sub The Rock in for Batista and Cody for Daniel Bryan.  Hey, maybe Punk will walk out again and throw a wrench into everyone's plans.  So who's winning this then?  I'll go with the original favorite CM Punk, I guess.  Hopefully no one mentions anything about "real glass" or "rankings" during the match....

Pick: Pepsi Phil

I'm sure the men's Rumble and the US Title match will be fun, the 4-way will be passable and the women's Rumble.....a match, likely without anything particularly compelling, like last year.  If WWE puts Cody off ANOTHER year, my money's on the crowd turning on the guy.  No one likes a babyface who can't close the deal, and this Roman title run is beginning to resemble Triple H's 2002-2005 reign of terror, when no babyfaces got over by feuding with him, until Dave Batista came along and beat him.  Weird how that works.

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