Friday, March 8, 2019

The Dive Bars of America: The Cellar Tavern (Abington, MA)

by Dan Moore

This column features some of the greatest and grossest dive bars in the U.S. of A. I’ll be using a rating system between 1 and 4 handlebar mustaches, which is the preferred mustache by 9 out of 10 old timers in dive bars.

The Cellar Tavern
221 North Avenue
Abington, MA 02351

Thar she blows.  It's an actual cellar.  Under someone's home.  With an old timey truck thereabouts.

I recently moved even more south than the south shore, and have been looking for a dark place to wet my whistle. And lo and behold, this beautiful basement arrived on the horizon. The Cellar has a long bar that’s also combined with a horseshoe shaped part. It’s got a buncha tables for your eating and boozing pleasures too.

Fun Factor: This place is a drunkard’s heaven. They do all kinds of specials during the week. Like a ladies night on Thursdays with raffles and half-priced food.  It’s got the requisite Keno, dart boards abound, a killer juke box and Yahtzee for grownups. Throw a few bucks around and who knows, maybe you’ll walk outta here with enough cash to buy some Advil for your next hangover because…

Booze Choices: ARE DIRT CHEAP. My dear lord. You saddle up to this stick with 20 bucks, and you are going home in a body bag. Ice cold Bud Light drafts are 2 bucks and they have a myriad of cheap mixed drinks all over the place. If you had a bad day at your shitty job (and all jobs are shitty unless you’re a porn star or 3rd string NFL quarterback), this is the place to drown your sorrows.

Delicious & cheap. Just like me.

Cast of Regulars: I love the regulars here, because I already am one. I’ve been here like five times and the bartenders make me feel like I’m home. There’s Camille & Kayla and the rest of the gang and they somehow remember your name like the day after they meet you. I barely know my boss’s name and I’ve been here 9 years.

That's me, the future Mrs. Dive Bar, and our pal Scotty Pickes being regulars on St. Paddy's Day.

Stench: The only smell coming outta this joint is the food, and I swear to God it’s good. Like actually real good. They got $2 dollar pizzas on Sundays and those fucking things are KILLER. I’ve sucked down maybe 842 of em in the last month (rough estimate).

OVERALL: This is my kind of place. Where everyone knows your name and also the number for a taxi. I love it here and I’m hoping they start offering me frequent flier miles. With the amount of time I’m spending here, a trip to Mars should be in the offing by August.

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