This weekend is the 42nd WWE WrestleMania show, and for the seventh consecutive year it's a two-nighter. And for the second consecutive year the build is.....really stupid.
So last year the company felt they needed a big hook for the Cody-Cena main event and so they brought back The Rock to "corrupt" Cena into turning heel, before leaving the scene altogether. The resulting main event was awful and the live crowd didn't want to cheer either guy, and Cena's ensuing heel run was so bad it was scrapped four months later.
You'd think WWE would've learned from that shitshow and said "Let's just keep things simple and present the two big matches as straightforward big money bouts," but no, due to panic over a 20% gap in ticket sales from last year, TKO and/or Triple H decided the Cody Rhodes-Randy Orton match needed another heel swerve. Their big idea? Turn celebrity announcer Pat McAfee heel to become Orton's new mouthpiece, and have him talk about how much WWE's current product sucks and how much better The Attitude Era was. Yes, the ATTITUDE ERA, which ended a quarter-century ago. Pat also said Randy Orton is the guy who can "save" the company. Yes, 46-year-old Randy Orton, who debuted during the first Dubya administration, is going to make WWE hot again, in 2026. Pat also announced that he convinced Dodge Ram to sponsor a 25% off deal on tickets. The HEEL in this feud. Wants to give the audience a discount. Oh, and Jelly Roll is being shoehorned into this shit. Doughy non-wrestler Jelly Roll. This is what absolute flailing looks like.
Meanwhile on the other show you have CM Punk and Roman Reigns taking the lamest, pettiest of shots at each other. It started with Punk talking about Roman's dead father, which is not a great look for your BABYFACE champion. Roman apparently wanted to retaliate by talking about Punk's dead dog, but since Phil is a fragile one-way prick it got changed to "Oh yeah? Well you're old!" Hey Roman? You're getting on in years yourself. Both you two fucks are in your forties and past your prime. He's got hair plugs, you have fake, neon white teeth. Then Punk pivoted to what he does best, dredge up old shit no one cares about from the last time he worked here, before trying to attach himself to the Pat McAfee garbage on the other show. Who is rooting for either of these assholes? I'm hoping against hope they draw "You both suck" chants in Vegas. I know it won't happen but I honestly can't recall a 'Mania main event between two less likable figures.
Anyway the rest of the lineups actually look pretty decent, but of course WWE had to screw something up there too, setting up what should've been a show stealer in IYO Sky vs. Asuka. You remember IYO Sky, right? The best bell-to-bell wrestler on the entire roster who got shoehorned into the Rhea vs. Bianca match last year to ensure it would be great, more than delivered on that promise by helping to make it probably the best WWE women's match ever, and was then repaid by being mostly kept off TV for a few months till it was time to drop her belt? Yeah she gets to sit in catering this year apparently. Pearls before fucking swine. When's her contract up?
I could go on but I'll get to the rest as we look at each match, so let's cut to the chase....
Night 1
Logan Paul/Austin Theory/IShowSpeed vs. The Usos & LA Knight
Two things about this match are pretty crazy to me. 1. Logan Paul went from being this spectacular celebrity wrestler who always gets a prominently featured match, to opening Night 1 in a six-man tag. He's just one of the guys now. Not that I'm complaining, fuck that douche. I just think it's wild. 2. IShowSpeed has a WrestleMania match but Carmelo Hayes does not. Remember when Hayes got called up and everyone was calling him a future headliner? Dude can't get booked on a PPV to save his life; whose gas tank did he piss in? This'll likely be a throwaway.
Pick: My gut says The Vision team











































