This weekend is the 42nd WWE WrestleMania show, and for the seventh consecutive year it's a two-nighter. And for the second consecutive year the build is.....really stupid.
So last year the company felt they needed a big hook for the Cody-Cena main event and so they brought back The Rock to "corrupt" Cena into turning heel, before leaving the scene altogether. The resulting main event was awful and the live crowd didn't want to cheer either guy, and Cena's ensuing heel run was so bad it was scrapped four months later.
You'd think WWE would've learned from that shitshow and said "Let's just keep things simple and present the two big matches as straightforward big money bouts," but no, due to panic over a 20% gap in ticket sales from last year, TKO and/or Triple H decided the Cody Rhodes-Randy Orton match needed another heel swerve. Their big idea? Turn celebrity announcer Pat McAfee heel to become Orton's new mouthpiece, and have him talk about how much WWE's current product sucks and how much better The Attitude Era was. Yes, the ATTITUDE ERA, which ended a quarter-century ago. Pat also said Randy Orton is the guy who can "save" the company. Yes, 46-year-old Randy Orton, who debuted during the first Dubya administration, is going to make WWE hot again, in 2026. Pat also announced that he convinced Dodge Ram to sponsor a 25% off deal on tickets. The HEEL in this feud. Wants to give the audience a discount. Oh, and Jelly Roll is being shoehorned into this shit. Doughy non-wrestler Jelly Roll. This is what absolute flailing looks like.
Meanwhile on the other show you have CM Punk and Roman Reigns taking the lamest, pettiest of shots at each other. It started with Punk talking about Roman's dead father, which is not a great look for your BABYFACE champion. Roman apparently wanted to retaliate by talking about Punk's dead dog, but since Phil is a fragile one-way prick it got changed to "Oh yeah? Well you're old!" Hey Roman? You're getting on in years yourself. Both you two fucks are in your forties and past your prime. He's got hair plugs, you have fake, neon white teeth. Then Punk pivoted to what he does best, dredge up old shit no one cares about from the last time he worked here, before trying to attach himself to the Pat McAfee garbage on the other show. Who is rooting for either of these assholes? I'm hoping against hope they draw "You both suck" chants in Vegas. I know it won't happen but I honestly can't recall a 'Mania main event between two less likable figures.
Anyway the rest of the lineups actually look pretty decent, but of course WWE had to screw something up there too, setting up what should've been a show stealer in IYO Sky vs. Asuka. You remember IYO Sky, right? The best bell-to-bell wrestler on the entire roster who got shoehorned into the Rhea vs. Bianca match last year to ensure it would be great, more than delivered on that promise by helping to make it probably the best WWE women's match ever, and was then repaid by being mostly kept off TV for a few months till it was time to drop her belt? Yeah she gets to sit in catering this year apparently. Pearls before fucking swine. When's her contract up?
I could go on but I'll get to the rest as we look at each match, so let's cut to the chase....
Night 1
Logan Paul/Austin Theory/IShowSpeed vs. The Usos & LA Knight
Two things about this match are pretty crazy to me. 1. Logan Paul went from being this spectacular celebrity wrestler who always gets a prominently featured match, to opening Night 1 in a six-man tag. He's just one of the guys now. Not that I'm complaining, fuck that douche. I just think it's wild. 2. IShowSpeed has a WrestleMania match but Carmelo Hayes does not. Remember when Hayes got called up and everyone was calling him a future headliner? Dude can't get booked on a PPV to save his life; whose gas tank did he piss in? This'll likely be a throwaway.
Pick: My gut says The Vision team
Unsanctioned Match: Drew McIntyre vs. Jacob Fatu
This should be very good, but once again Drew finds himself on the outside of the main event scene looking in, despite an oddly thrown together cup of coffee with the WWE Title early in the year. Both these guys are fine workers, so the match ought to be a standout. Not sure why they're calling it "unsanctioned" instead of just a Street Fight, since it isn't going last and will almost certainly involve all the usual ringside plunder and no blood.
Pick: Fatu
Women's Tag Team Championship: Nia Jax & Lash Legend vs. Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss vs. Bayley & Lyra Valkyria vs. The Bella Twins
The one time of year WWE seems to give a shit about these belts is upon us, so here we go with a four-way schmozz. This will also be a throwaway. Anyone could win this since these belts hop around all the time, but since the champions just won them in late February I'll go with them to retain.
Pick: Irresistible Forces retain
Women's Intercontinental Championship: AJ Lee vs. Becky Lynch
These two have been feuding for eons at this point so I imagine this is the final chapter. As I predicted would happen when she made her big return to the company, AJ is kinda just another one of the women now. She'll likely drop the belt here and go home for a while till they need another "big return" Chicago moment in six months.
Pick: Becky
Women's World Championship: Stephanie Vaquer vs. Liv Morgan
I don't understand why they put three women's matches on this show and only one on Night 2. They always seem to have a lopsided distribution of women's matches (Course if they'd just give us IYO vs. Asuka on Night 2 that would help). This should be alright. Stephanie is great, Liv is okay. Sadly Stephanie is losing.
Pick: Liv
Gunther vs. Seth Rollins
Man, for a guy they've turned into a legend killer, Gunther sure had nothing to do on this show for the longest time, didn't he? Apparently he was supposed to squash Rey Mysterio on this show but Rey got hurt (He's back anyway). Kind of a blessing in disguise since Seth will be a much better opponent, but Seth was supposed to be feuding with his former stablemates in The Vision and now Gunther hates him "because." Isn't Bron Breakker cleared now? Why isn't Seth fighting him? Paul Levesque absolutely sucks at changing things on the fly. Anyway this should be a fine contest.
Pick: Gunther
WWE Championship: Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton
The Battle of the Nepo Babies. So yeah, instead of, I dunno, playing off the two-decade history these two have with each other they decided to go all WCW 2000 and shove a non-wrestler into the mix where he's the main focus of the feud and calling out the company's shortcomings. And because Cody has to play off that garbage and not anything meaningful, the fans are once again booing him too. On paper this match should be quite good. In execution it's probably going to be a clusterfuck of stupid, where McAfee sucks up all the attention and we get a Jelly Roll run-in to set up some dumbass tag match next month. The stip here is that if Orton loses, Pat has to walk away from wrestling forever. Soooo Orton's obviously winning here. WWE has no clue whatsoever how to present a likable babyface champion. They're always either petty little "mean girls" like Punk, or sad little cucks like Cody.
Pick: Orton
Night 2
Brock Lesnar vs. Oba Femi
On the surface this match is intriguing. Two giant monsters battling for the top world-beater spot. And man, would now be a good time to topple the 48-year-old accessory to sex trafficking that is Brock Lesnar, and make Femi the new beast in town. But considering Femi's gotten the better of Brock in every exchange thus far I'm reeeeeally skeptical he's actually going over here. Vegas even has Femi as the favorite but I'm not sure I buy it. I think once again WWE will fail to get out of their own way and fail to get over their addiction to already-made 40-plussers. Triple H talks about how "In sports if someone gets hurt there's a second-string guy to take his place, but in WWE no one can replace Cody or Roman or Punk (or Brock)." Hey Paul, isn't it your job to make sure you have guys who can replace your top stars if they get hurt, or ya know, as they get OLD? I hope I'm wrong, but I think Brock's going over, after ten or so minutes of meaningless finisher spamming.
Pick: Brock
Finn Balor vs. Dominik Mysterio
Finn is donning his Demon garb for this match, the second Judgment Day leader to get ousted from his own group. Three years after losing to Edge repeatedly, thus making Judgment Day look second-tier, he's about to return the favor in a likely defeat of Dominik. Match should be alright.
Pick: Finn
US Championship: Sami Zayn vs. Trick Williams
This one should be alright too. Poor Carmelo though. Dude was US Champion until three weeks before WrestleMania and now has nothing to do. It's kinda baffling to me, the idea that you take the title off a guy right before the biggest show of the year and then not even give him a match on that show. They did the same thing to Asuka in 2019. Anyway I think Trick wins the belt here.
Pick: Trick is my pick. My pick is Trick.
WWE Women's Championship: Jade Cargill vs. Rhea Ripley
Is it me or has Jade been mostly absent from TV since winning this belt? Do they trust her so little they can't even feature her except to LOSE the belt? Helluva Performance Center they got down there. Rhea vs. Bianca this will not be. Rhea will do her best, but from what I've seen of Jade's WWE run she really hasn't improved in-ring. Certainly hasn't come close to topping her final AEW match with Kris Statlander.
Pick: Rhea
Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Penta vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Dragon Lee vs. Je'Von Evans vs. JD McDonagh vs. Rusev
Which of these guys doesn't belong? Jesus, couldn't you have added Rey Fenix instead of Rusev? And speaking of ex-AEW talent the company doesn't give a fuck about, where's Aleister Black this weekend? Or Powerhouse Hobbs? This should be a Mania highlight though. Penta, Mysterio, Lee and Evans will do some fun stuff. I don't see the title changing yet.
Pick: Penta retains
World Championship: CM Punk vs. Roman Reigns
Seriously, who am I meant to be rooting for in this one? One babyface is insensitive to lost family members, the other is ageist (despite only being seven years younger than his opponent). One is anti-MAGA but proudly works for a pro-MAGA company, the other is openly MAGA because he thinks Trump is *checks notes* "clearer at providing information," which has to be among the most reality-divorced pro-Trump rationales I've heard from any celebrity. Still no healthcare plan after a decade, Roman; it's your responsibility as a voter to do a little homework first. Both these guys suck and I hope somehow they both lose. In 2014 this probably would've been very good. In 2026, one of them can't do one move without getting gassed, the other can't do a move without pausing for two minutes to mug for the crowd and talk trash. Or, ya know, "cinema."
Pick: Roman wins the title and probably disappears for months at a time. Jesus, we're really going back to 2022, aren't we?
Yeah so as on-paper lineups go this WrestleMania looks like an improvement over last year's. But since WWE could fuck up reciting the alphabet, the build for the main bouts has been pretty dreadful and neither main event includes anyone worth cheering for. The ticket sales post-Mania should be interesting to watch, since even during Mania season they've many shows have been down from previous visits to the same markets, some of the first-day totals are terrible, and Mania itself is trailing last year's attendance by around 35,000 across both nights. And in 2026 they don't have John Cena's retirement tour to prop up the post-Mania lull.
These two shows could be very good, or they could stink. Either one is a reasonable prediction.
No comments:
Post a Comment