Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Dan's Top 9: Fictional Drugs

Ah, Drugs. Can’t beat 'em when it comes to having a night out on the town that lasts for 4 days and ends in St. Louis. But we are getting screwed here in the real world. In the fictional world there are countless drugs out there with incredible powers that can only be brought to you be the very best special effects artists. Here now are the best of the best.



9. Nuke (Robocop 2):  The only real power this drug has is turning an awesome Sci-Fi action movie into a shitty, muddled mess of crap WITHOUT Kurtwood Smith’s evil Clarence Boddicker character…so pointless.


8. ALZ-112, ALZ-113 (New Planet of the Apes series): Erases Alzheimer’s AND empowers monkeys with smarts & less poo flinging. Which is quite remarkable as the feces toss is paramount to a good time in the primate world. And I, for one, welcome our new Ape overlords.

7. Iocaine Powder (The Princess Bride): Our intrepid hero Wesley, in disguise as the Dread Pirate Roberts, uses this odorless, tasteless powder to vanquish his foe & get his true love, Buttercup, back. Exactly what you want laying around the house. Essentially poison flour. Keep that outta the cupboards before Buttercup makes the wrong kind of miracle pill.

And about Buttercup, she was a gigantic pain in the ass with ZERO personality. Wes is gone for a few mins in movie time, boom, she’s bopping a prince, they have to go through a fireswamp, Wesley gets bitten by giant vermin (def an infection there), he gets fucking MURDERED, comes back to life, and the best she can do is smash his paralyzed skull against the headboard and concuss him. Yea, go put a ring on it, dummy. What he shoulda done was run into that swamp straight through to the dock, jump back on his giant boat happy as a pig in shit he was rid of her singing "Yo Ho Ho A Pirate's Life for Me".

Pain in the ass....

6. Crystal Dream (Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man): This a dumb buddy flick with Don Johnson & Mickey Rourke, a fave of mine. The description of what this clear blue, Heisenberg-esque substance does is pretty vague. You don’t shoot or snort it, you pour it into your fucking eyeballs. “In your eyes, it tells you lies”. It also damages the central nervous system, causes insanity, then death. Which would explain Rourke’s appearance nowadays.

You're looking at grim death.

5. Jabroka (Alien Nation): The drug in this flick was used as a reward for the aliens after doing manual labor. Evidently, it provided an effect similar to cocaine. The only real effect they showed was turning Terrence Stamp’s bald, small, hairless alien character into a huge, furry, steroid-ed up monster dude. So it’s real power was turning someone from a twink to a bear. In San Francisco no less (or LA, whatever, it’s all California, so all gay).

4. Swank (The Simpsons): This drug, introduced by McBain’s nemesis Mendoza, is 10 times more addictive than Marijuana. But is weed actually addictive? I mean, I’ve been smoking it since I was 15, and I don’t think it’s that addic---HOLY SHIT!!!! Get me some Swank!!!


3. Trioxin (Return of the Living Dead series): Shown to be able to raise the dead and make countless sequels of inferior quality. I mean, clearly zombies are a bad thing but it also caused quite a few nimble young ladies to lose their tops and show us their…brains. All in all, a fine entry.  This gets very high on the list due to the bwewbs.

Yes, the incredibly hot Linnea Quigley shows off her skills due to Trioxin


2. Formula 51 (from the flick of the same name): The Capital One guy says “My product is 51 times stronger than cocaine, 51 times more hallucinogenic than acid, and 51 times more explosive than ecstasy. It's like getting a personal visit... from God”. Buddy, you sold me on the drug AND the 0.7% annual APR. I’ll hafta try this 153 times just to be sure.

Awesome drugs AND incredible financial sense!! TAA-DAAA!!!!

1. Molly (from---wait, this shit is REAL? This exists in the really real world? I had no idea Ecstasy could be pure and not mixed with speed, LSD or baby laxatives. You’re telling me I can go out like NOW and get this?)

My work here is done.

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