Dan's Top 9: Pain in the Ass Girlfriends in Cinematic History

DAN'S TOP

PAIN IN THE ASS GIRLFRIENDS IN CINEMATIC HISTORY

In about every movie where our intrepid male hero is on some sort of adventure, there is inevitably a broad, be it a wife, girlfriend or mistress, near him berating him to be careful. Sometimes, she’s just getting kidnapped to become bait before the final reel. Women. They’re the worst. So here is a very scientific list (meaning I wasn’t that drunk when it was composed) of the cinematic equivalent of period blood.

9.  Fabienne, ‘Pulp Fiction': Jesus Christ, lady, you couldn’t have just grabbed the watch, huh? Instructions too difficult for ya? Bedside table, on the kangaroo. But noooooooo, you forgot, forcing our pugilist hero Butch to hit and run a black man, crash your Honda, and almost get deliverance’d in his bung hole. Thanks a lot, dummy.

Dan's Top 9: Christmas Movies/TV Shows

This list is in response to Jingles' ri-GODDAMN-diculous list from the other day. There are no parameters here. Anything that’s been in the movies or on TV that has burned some piece of it into your eyeholes is allowed. Because this is America. Also, Just Friends will be nowhere near this list because FOR FUCKSAKE it’s Just Friends. Neither will It's a Wonderful Life because I’m not 92.  (JB Note: I'm still not sure why my picks bother you so much, but whatever-the-fuck-ever.)

9. The Muppet Christmas Carol

Kermit and the gang’s version of Charles Dickens classic is goddamn HILARIOUS. Filled with very adult-themed jokes (the first ghosts are Jacob & Robert Marley...think about it), a few decent original songs and a fine turn as Scrooge for Michael Caine. Featuring all your favorite Muppet characters, this one’s a keeper.

8. How The Grinch Stole Christmas

A true television classic, The Grinch is a must watch each Christmas. Excellent animation by the master Chuck Jones and beautifully narrated by Boris Karloff, this one also contains the great song “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”, sung by Tony the Tiger himself, Thurl Ravenscroft. The Grinch is a personal favorite of mine as every year when I was a kid, my Nana would read the book to me and my brother and sister on Christmas Eve. The cartoon is great, but I think Nana did the voices better.

Dan's Top 9: Die Hard Characters

DAN'S TOP

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Today, the world lost one of the great actors, Alan Rickman. He succumbed to cancer at age 69. I’ve watched him in many films throughout the years, but of course, his role in Die Hard comes to the front of my dumb brain. And what better time to discuss the best Die Hard characters ever than today as a sort of memorial to Mr. Rickman’s work? Here we go.

9. The "No More Table" Guy

We all know him. He's the shiny, hairy, gold chain-wearing, greasy German-but-sounds-Greek gunman that shows up about halfway through John McClane's first adventure.

He's got some real terrorist hubris, asking our hero "Where are you going, pal?" as McClane evades him while running out of table. It leads beautifully into one of John's most sternly delivered action hero quips.

Wild N' Crazy Guy: Next time you have the chance to kill someone, don't hesitate!
McClane (all sweaty-lipped and serious): Thanks for the advice...

8. Richard Thornburg 

The prototypical scumbag reporter beautifully played by ginger hammer William Atherton (That he didn't play that worm Roger Goodell in Concussion is a travesty). He not only invades the privacy of the McClanes' children but he also singlehandedly causes outright panic by broadcasting about plane hijackings on Christmas Eve! Throughout the two flicks he's in, he spreads beautiful lies and propaganda. In other words, he's got a job waiting for him at Fox News.

Dan's Top 9: Great Movies with Dumb Endings

Welcome back to another edition of Dan's Top 9, because I’m not good enough to come up with a top 10. Today I’m talking about movies which are otherwise awesome except for their lame-o endings. In some cases, it’s the actual climax and not the true ending, but this is my list with my rules, so eat me. Here we go.

DAN'S TOP

  

**OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE…IT’S A COLUMN ABOUT MOVIE ENDINGS, STUPID**

9. The Thing

Possibly John Carpenter’s finest film. One of my favorite movies to watch over and over again (along with Weekend at Bernie’s DON’T JUDGE ME). Outrageous practical special effects, awesome Kurt Russell, killer supporting cast and perfect minimalistic score makes this a personal fave. But what the fuck with that ending? Chasing a demon alien monster through a cave for a final showdown and then…it just blows up essentially? What an awful way to end the pursuit of the bad guy after he fucked up two different camps of folk (the actual ending, with Kurt and Keith David sitting in the cold as the fire blazes and neither of them trusting the other, is awesome)

8. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This drug fueled comedy is goddamn HILARIOUS for about 100 minutes. Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro go all in on their insane performances and really do some fucked up, funny shit. And then they go to a diner. For what feels like 3 hours. And have some downer conversation with a waitress. It’s painful to watch. I get what they were doing, showing the comedown after the high of all those drugs but…I was still high when I was watching it, and I wanted more crazy shit. This totally killed my buzz. Thankfully I had more drugs.

7. No Country For Old Men

No clue what happens at the end of this movie. Josh Brolin is getting chased around by Javier Bardem for about 90 minutes of this movie...and then he’s just not. He’s gone. Evidently killed in some gunfight that took place off-screen. Oh. Good. Then we’re shown two old codgers talking about…God knows what. I really liked this flick til the last 20 mins when it just stopped being the movie I was watching and became something else.

Dan's Top 9: Best Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) Games

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, where my associate Dan Moore counts down 9 items that happen to be bouncing around his diseased brain.  What a degenerate.  Wait, I mean I love ya buddy.....

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

A few days ago, Nintendo announced the death of the company’s president and CEO, Satoru Iwata suddenly at the age of 55. A true legend in the gaming world, his passing demands some reflection on the classics in the Nintendo canon. I first played the  NES back in 1986 at my friend Greg's house. The first game I ever played was Super Mario Bros. And it was GLORIOUS. The second game was Popeye which wasn't so great but still awesome because it's still a fucking video game. Without further ado, here are the best games from the very first generation of Nintendo's gaming system family.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: This is definitely the hardest list I've had to do. Narrowing this down to 9 is near impossible. Some faves that didn't make the cut: Castlevania, ExciteBike, Double Dragon, Bases Loaded and RBI Baseball

9. Blades of Steel

WITH THE PASS! The number of times I heard that muffled, digitized voice is a little bit over infinity.  There was single game play and the awesome tourney play for the Cup. Flying around the ice holding onto Lord Stanley's chalice was quite a thrill for 10 year old me. I played this game so goddamn much I would see the little hockey men skating in circles in my dreams. My beautiful, 8-bit dreams.

8. Tetris

Blocks falling from the sky to make lines. Yeah, that was an idea for a video game. One of the most successful video games of all time. The classic Game Boy version is really where this game spiked in popularity. My favorite Tetris memory is watching my father about to beat Mode B level 9-5 one morning after returning from his night job...and promptly falling asleep two lines away from the finish. Good work, Pop.

7. DuckTales

Gordon Gecko once said that greed is good, and this game taught all us kids that he was right. Traversing the globe and the moon searching for riches as Uncle Scrooge was a wonderful way to learn that only diamonds and gold can make you truly happy.

DAN'S TOP 9: Comedies (That I’ve Watched Over & Over Again)

By Dan Moore

@SouthieDanimal

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, Top 11 where I count down 9 11 items that happen to be bouncing around my diseased brain.  

I'm a man of repetition. I wake up in the morning, I go poopie, I shower, I go to work and I complain all day. Everyday. I also watch the same movies over and over again. The idiots that I hang out with all do it too. And we quote movies at each other ad nauseum. So I decided to make a list of all the movies I find hilarious AND have watched too many times to count. Now, I'm not saying these are the greatest comedies ever, but these are easily my personal favorites. Man, this one was hard. This is the toughest list I've done, and had to expand the list to not 10, but ELEVEN. And I know once it's posted, I'll hear from those idiots about the movies I forgot and be ridiculed. Fuck them. 

11. Friday

Vulgarity makes me laugh. A LOT. And that's reflected in this list and this movie. The classic tale of a man getting fired on his day off and then smoking weed with his smartass friend while avoiding bullets in the ghetto. A star-making turn from show stealer Chris Tucker makes this a must-see when puffing on the giggle smoke. 

10. Men at Work

Without a doubt, the apex of both Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen's careers. A movie that makes ZERO sense. Garbage men find out about a conspiracy involving politicians, dumped toxic waste and all kinds of bribes. But the plot is pointless. Because KEITH FUCKING DAVID. He absolutely OWNS this movie as E & C's supervisor. Any movie that has a shell-shocked Vietnam vet mistaking a pizza man for a Vietcong while yelling out "THE COMMIE BASTARD GETS NO FOOD!" gets my vote every day and twice on Sundays. 

Taken out of context, this seems a little racist. But funny.  

9. Clerks

The first and funniest of all Kevin Smith films. Dante and Randall curse all day at their shitty job in a shitty convenience store while contemplating their lives and what went wrong. Packed with hilarious vulgarity and all kinds of great Star Wars talk, Clerks is a classic. 

8. Clue

One of my favorite movies to watch over and over again cause it's so goddamn quotable. You know how many times I watched this movie? 1+2+2+1 times, that's how many. The perfect cast with impeccable comic timing, this flick is a classic.  And you can make it a drinking game by picking a character, room and weapon and drinking each time they say it. Just don't get stuck with Col. Mustard with the revolver in the study cause you'll be HAMMERED. 

In a movie full of great quotes, this may be the greatest. 

Dan's Top 9: Movies That SHOULD Be Remade

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

DAN'S TOP

A little while ago, my esteemed colleague Justin Ballard wrote an article about unnecessary remakes. I agreed with all of 'em except Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I have no loyalty to the original and the remakes, prequels and sequels have been decent (albeit forgettable) horror movies. It got me to thinking though…what flicks are out there that need a new version? These aren’t all necessarily bad movies; just flicks I feel need an updating. Starting off here with a few sequels.

9. Beverly Hills Cop 3

The first two Cop flicks are two of the funniest Eddie Murphy movies ever made. They show Murphy at the very apex of his comedic powers. Both of them are eminently re-watchable. Then they laid this turd on our doorsteps. While the first two are filled with hilarious jokes and boobies, this one is a hodgepodge of boring set pieces and an unreal annoying Eddie Murphy performance. Need this remade with the true Axel Foley, cursing up a storm and shooting bad guys with his friends, Detectives Taggart & Rosewood.

George Lucas cameo’d in this, and even the maker of the
Star Wars prequels couldn’t believe how bad this was. 

8. Lethal Weapon 4

Filled with two of the most memorable cops ever put to screen, Riggs & Murtaugh became friends to all of us that have watched the original 3 over and over again. Incredible action scenes and a real sense of comradery between the two leads make Lethal Weapons 1,2 & 3 some of the best buddy cop movies ever made. And then part 4 showed up. With NOTHING resembling a cohesive script and chock full of waaaay too many characters, Lethal Weapon 4 was DOA. They shoulda went with a less-is-more approach like the original cause this movie SUCKS.

7. Battlefield Earth

When watching a movie with 10-foot dreadlocked aliens, I’m always hoping for veiled messages from a space cult delivered by an overacting John Travolta. This is an awful movie filled with all kinds of subliminal speak for L. Ron Hubbard’s Space Diary, er I mean, "Religion."  But at its very basic level is a decent sci-fi movie idea: Aliens took over earth, and hundreds of years later a human rebellion tries to take it back. Too bad it was all gummed up with the word of Xenu.

Yeah, this is all your favorite Hollywood stars' religious deity. Makes sense.

Dan's Top 9: Scariest Things in Sports

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

DAN'S TOP

Well sports fans, it’s been a little over three weeks since the Patriots have won a championship and the Boston region is officially in a drought. And this is KILLING me. I haven’t been to a parade celebrating sports greatness in almost a month. Tragic. It’s truly frightening. But not as frightening as these (nailed that segueway).

9. Walking Back to Your Seat Carrying Two Beers, Three Hot Dogs and a Pretzel

Nevermind that you’ve already had a few before the game so you’re wobbling like a drunk penguin. Forget that the steps at Fenway are uneven concrete slabs created in the late Jurassic. The real issue getting back to your seat are the other drunk assholes not paying attention to the roughly $400 dollars’ worth of food and libations in your hands. These jerks don’t care that you just spent a car payment on twenty ounces of beer. They just wanna yell MOOOOOOOOOOKIE and get in your way. Pricks.

Killer Microsoft Paint job there

8. Jeremy Jacobs With a Checkbook. 

Cause you know that cheap fuck is just gonna put it right back in his pocket.

I'd love to punch him

7. Aroldis Chapman’s Fastball

This thing comes flying in at you faster than Maverick buzzing the tower. The Cuban Missile throws the fastest pitch in the history of MLB and I for one would never have the balls to stand in the batter’s box to face him. Nor would I mouth off to him in a garage while he holds a gun. These are good tips for life.

DAN'S TOP 9: EX-RED SOX IN THE WORLD SERIES

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

DAN'S TOP

This year’s world Series pits the Chicago Cubs against the Cleveland Indians. Both of these franchises haven’t won a championship in a looooooooong time, with Cleveland’s last pennant in 1948 and the Cubs' way back in 1908, when I was only 11 years old. So both of these teams are in quite a drought. But more importantly than any of that, both of these teams are filled with ex-Red Sox greats. Here now, my list of the very best of em.

9. Anthony Rizzo, 1B, CUBS (Drafted by Sox in ‘07)

This one’s a bit of a cheat, as he never actually suited up for the big club, but GODDAMMIT how I hated to see him go. He was one of the keys in the trade for Adrian Gonzalez. I remember reading about his patience at the plate and big bat, and hated to see his name in that trade. He’s blossomed in Chicago, and it kills me. Plus, a GREAT last name.

8. Coco Crisp, OF, INDIANS (Sox ‘06-‘08)

Another Hall of Famer in great names, Coco had a completely unmemorable run with the Sox. The epitome of good glove, no bat when he was here. He won a ring in ’07 on the team that beat the Rockies in the WS. He’s obviously a good player, as he’s still in the league almost a decade after leaving Boston, but he has no real great moments in Fenway (though he did almost get run over by the mascot in Seattle, which was HILARIOUS).

"Don't stand on the tracks when the ATV's coming through" - Mariner Moose

DAN'S TOP 9: Best Drivers in Cinematic History

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

DAN'S TOP

  BEST DRIVERS IN CINEMATIC HISTORY

I watched the most fabulous film last night. Death Race. Utterly fantastic garbage which I highly recommend to all. I was entertained throughout, and cried when it was over. It also inspired me to think of the best drivers in the movies. The men who I would trust my life with. The ones who handle the gear shift as if it was their own gear.  So without further ado…here are my choices. It’s a top 9, because Ted Williams was #9, and he’s the greatest ball player ever. Also, I couldn’t think of any more. SUE ME.


#9--- SAM (Ronin)

This former Special Forces ace turned mercenary is a master at the European throughways. Who knew Vito Corleone could drive like Mario Andretti on crack?

#8--- THE TERMINATOR

Throughout five movies (and counting) this lethal mix of man and machine has battered through many a ride, all with the cunning expertise only capable of the technology from the future. If this kind of driving is what happens when the humans are destroyed by our eventual robotic enslavers, I say, LET IT HAPPEN. 

 

#7---POPEYE DOYLE (The French Connection)

Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle is one of the meanest cops ever to wear the shield in New York City. Also one of the best drivers. He stops at nothing as he tracks down some dirty frogs from bringing some heroin into his city. Not only is he awesome and played by Gene Hackman, he’s the only one on my list to be a REAL guy. A true hero.

#6--- MAD MAX

Driving through the post apocalyptic Australian Outback for Max is as easy as taking the kiddies to the park. This wild man has no problem when he sees traffic on the road: he just drives through it. He expertly navigates the roads in 2 movies (I don’t count Thunderdome) and his body count is almost as high as his car wrecks. Also, Max holds the honor of being the only man on the list that Justin (JB Note: You can't prove that.) has jacked off to. So there’s a feather in his cap.

#5--- FRANKENSTEIN (Death Race)

Framed for a crime he didn’t commit, Jensen Ames is coerced into taking on the persona of Frankenstein, and competing in the corrupt warden’s Death Race. Ames drives not with savvy, but with bullets, taking out all who come in his way. Easily the most destructive man on the list.

#4---BOND. JAMES BOND

Really, what needs to be said? The man has driven and lived through about 100 movies, getting better and better with each flick.

#3---JASON BOURNE

A young up and comer on the list, Bourne has taken driving into a more demolition derby type flavor. Whenever he steals a car, or a cab, you know pieces of it will end up all over the French Riviera. How he survives is beyond me, but thankfully he does, and it definitely makes my brother Dave Moore VERY happy.

#2---FRANK BULLITT

Easily the coolest character on the list, Lt. Bullitt also drives the coolest car. Assigned to guard a mob snitch before his testimony, multiple attempts are made on Frank’s life. But none better than the 9 minutes and 42 seconds of car chase action that takes place in the middle of this film. A true master, Frank loses out to only one better wheel man…

AND THE BEST?!?!?!!?



#1---HOKE COLBURN

Who else could drive Miss Daisy, and deal with her racism, her bitching, and her depends? The patience this man had behind the wheel is a trait we should all admire and aspire to have. An incredible driver, and an even better man. My hat is off you, my #1 MOVIE DRIVER OF ALL TIME!

Dan's Top 9 - R-Rated Movies That Don't Work When Censored

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, where my associate Dan Moore counts down the nine best or worst......something or other.

DAN'S TOP

  

We've all been there. A lazy, hungover Saturday. Laying in your underpants on the couch, flipping channels. And on TBS, a classic movie you love comes on. Then it's ruined by Eddie Murphy calling someone 'a stinking jerk face'. You need swears and blood in your R-rated flicks, and these flicks are the biggest Debbie Downers without those beautiful curse words.


9. Any Horror Movie - I gotta have a broad scope for this first entry. Whenever you throw on TNT and Friday the 13th comes on, you must change it immediately. There is ZERO point in watching, say, a Michael Myers film without the blood and guts. You may as well go to the Louvre during a power outage.

8. Total Recall - Quick, what's the first thing you think of when remembering this classic Arnold Schwarzenegger schlock action movie? Three fuckin' tits, that's what (followed closely by "Get your ass to Mars"). Without that very crucial moment in the movie and dare I say AMERICAN HISTORY, what's the point?

7. Requiem For A Dream - One of the most depressing films ever. Seriously, I've seen it once and wanted to swan dive out a window. Without all the depravity the R rating afforded this, it seems to be about friends on a road trip and a nice old lady winning big on a game show...wait a minute, I'd watch that over and over again! That sounds lovely!

 6. Clerks - This whole movie is a walking fuck/shit/tranny joke. Without the cursing, this movie is a sad, black & white documentary about two losers slinging cigs in a filthy convenience store. Can't see box office lines for that one.

5.  Goodfellas - Robert DeNiro, Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci are in the Swearing Hall of Fame for this flick. No two ways about it. If I can't hear Tommy Devito ask about being a fucking clown or telling Spider to get him a fucking drink, what's the fucking point, I ask ya? Now go get your fuckin' shine box.

4. Robocop - One of the most beautifully over-the-top violent, bloody action movies ever made. Gorgeous vulgarity and hyper violence make this a great R-rated movie. Its balls are completely clipped when you watch it on The WB. Hearing Clarence Boddicker ask the ladies to please get out instead of "Bitches, leave" really hurts the integrity of the bloodbath.

3.  Scarface - This movie would be 8 minutes long without the swears. Maybe there'd be 14 lines of dialogue. Tops. All it would be is majestic shots of the Miami coastline and interiors of drug mansions. So it's an episode of Cribs.

2.  Big Lebowski - THE quintessential vulgarity movie. There's swears in this movie for no reason, no FUCKING reason at all times. I never want to view this without a healthy dose of every swear word known to man. Though the basic cable version does have a glorious dubbing of Walter Sobcheck screaming about a stranger in the Alps. Perhaps it's alluding to some deleted side mission about finding a lost pal in the mountains?!?!

http://youtu.be/LCcKBcZzGdA


1. Showgirls - Duh. What're ya gonna do, crack stick to the dialogue??  Hold on, that could work...wait a minute.................................yea all right that wasn't bad.

Dan's Top 9: Batman Actors

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

DAN'S TOP

Batman v Superman gets released this Friday. I'm looking forward to seeing this flick with a mixture of awe and bewilderment. Part of me thinks it could be great but a bigger part of me thinks it's more likely to be a flaming shit burger. With this new chapter in the Bruce Wayne mythos coming out, I've come up with my list of the top Batman performances in screen history, with #9 being reserved for the worst.

9. George Clooney (Batman & Robin)

Nevermind the myriad of problems with this legendarily putrid film ("Hey we cast Arnold, known for his bulgy muscles, lets stick him in a garbage can for the whole movie!"). The fact that George Clooney decided to just play George Clooney in this movie is baffling to me. He did nothing in this flick to make himself a memorable Batman. I wanted a dark knight and all I got was Danny fuckin' Ocean.

8. Ben Affleck (Batman v Superman)

Yeah that's right, I haven't even seen Benny play this role yet and the son of a bitch is better than Clooney. Christ, he was bad.

Regardless if this movie is any good, the armored Batman is BOSS

7. Val Kilmer (Batman Forever)

In this shitty Batman movie, Mad Martigan plays a less crappy Bruce Wayne than Clooney. He's not bad in this but he's completely forgettable. And the movie SUCKS.

6. Clark Bartram (Batman: Dead End)

This one is based solely on visuals. In this fan film, Bats chases the escaped Joker and runs into some more trouble.  The Batman in this flick looks like he jumped straight out of an Alex Ross comic book cover.  Such a striking depiction of the Dark Knight detective.

Dan's Top 9: REASONS WHY HAN SOLO ISN’T THE BEST CHARACTER IN STAR WARS

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Twice in a week I’ve had to rebut a questionable list of Jingles's. (**JB Note: It's possible Dan needs some sort of hobby, given how all-consumed he is with my blogs lately.**)  I mean, to have a list of greatest Star Wars characters and not top it with Darth Vader is LUDICROUS. The greatest villain in cinematic history, but he’s topped by the galactic equivalent of Larry from Three’s Company? NOT ON MY WATCH. 

Give this guy an upright dog BOOM Han Solo

9. HE WEARS VESTS

Never trust a man in a vest. You know who wears vests? Jerks.

Case. Rested.

8. WE WOULDN’T EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT THIS IF HE COULD SHOOT STRAIGHT

Han’s competition for best character ever would’ve been obliterated if the cocky prick could stay on target. He goes to save Luke during the first Death Star battle, and he fucking misses Vader. HE MISSES. He’s the best pilot in the galaxy (he says) but evidently that doesn’t include shooting.



7. GETS PLACED INTO CUCKOLD CITY BY LUKE, BIG TIME.

The dude is macking hard on Leia, trying to get into the royal trousers and BOOM this happens.

She chooses to suck face with another guy, her fucking BROTHER no less. And he looks on like the fool that he is. Luke essentially kicks Han right in the Dagobah System and there’s nothing the stupid fucking flyboy can do about it.

Dan's Top 9: TV Shows to Watch While Boozing

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9.  It's a countdown.  Written by Dan.  No explanation needed.   Done.

 DAN'S TOP

Booze. It's what makes the world go 'round. Whether out at the bar drinking a dozen or so beers with friends or sneaking a bottle of Mad Dog into a christening, booze makes everything better.  However, there are times where you don't wanna see the light of day or interact with other humans when you're drinking. For those times, I present to you the best programs on television to watch when you're drinking that thirty pack alone.



9. Nature Programs: The tranquil sounds of planet earth make for a lovely companion as you sip down Jack & Diets (I'm watching my figure). Also good for a laugh when you come upon some endangered species doing it. Ever watch rhinos bang when you're hammered? It's fucking HILARIOUS.

Dan's Top 9: One-Time Seinfeld Characters

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, where my associate Dan Moore counts down his favorite 9 something-or-others.....

Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom of all time. About this, there can be no debate. Some people argue that there were better sitcoms in the past but it's an argument I can't listen to. I can't, I won't. The main cast was perfect, but the supporting characters also added to the show's greatness. Besides recurring characters like Newman and Puddy, there were some classic one-time characters on the show. Without further ado, here they are. I'm not counting the finale as the second appearance of these characters because it was a glorified clip show. So if you wanna cry about it? That's a shame.


9. Paul O'Neil

I'm from Boston, so I hate the Yankees. And growing up my cousin, John Michael, had an unnatural hatred for Paul O'Neil. I inherited that hate as well. Until he showed up in "The Wink." Kramer barges in on O'Neill, trying to get him to hit two dingers for a dying kid and O'Neill acts the only way a normal person in that situation would: by saying no one's dumb enough to promise two homers and wondering how the hell Cosmo got into the the Yankee clubhouse. Perfect reactions from a most hated Yankee.



He just needs to catch a pop fly in his hat

8. Joe Mayo

Do me a favor when you read this article, can you hit Ctrl-C to copy the article and send it to your friends, thanks! Fuckin' Mayo, ordering guests around at his party. His one saving grace is his Dr. Zaius man fur jacket.



BOSS

7. Todd Gack

Sure, this guy is a slimeball, but to be fair, Gack (I think that's Dutch) has the perfect system on how to get chicks. Make a bet you know you'll lose to take them out on dates. It's brilliant in its simplicity. With this system, he not only beds Elaine (you know they humped, she's loose) but also got Nicki, who is arguably Jerry's hottest girlfriend in the show. Good work, Gack.



Mmmmmmm.....Nicki

6. Meelosh

A hack of a tennis pro who decides that instead of letting his awful racket play be known, decides to dabble in the flesh trade. By trading his wife's...services to Jerry to keep his mouth shut, Meelosh becomes the first and only sex slave trader in this show's history! Good work. Coupled with his bad tennis and hilarious, over the top Russian accent, Meelosh holds a special place in my heart.


5. The Bubble Boy

Everything, I mean, EVERYTHING the bubble boy says is goddamn hilarious. A jaded, spoiled twenty-something stuck in a bubble (I thought it was like an igloo), he gets a glimpse of Costanza's chick and immediately asks her to take her top off. She scoffs, and he hits her with 'COME OOOOOON'. And even that didn't work. Susan sure was stuck up.  And then he loses Trivial Pursuit on a misprint. "Moops" my ass.


4. Marcelino

Cockfighting. Find another show that bases an episode's plot on illegal bird battles. You never will. And Marcelino was the kingpin. The owner of the bodega with another over-the-top accent. His pronunciations are hilarious, as is his request for a goddamn bird to take a dive in a fight. Brilliant.

Shop keeper by day, poultry pugilist by night.

3. Jiffy Park/Jiffy Dump guy

Yea, this is kind of a cheat as this guy was in two episodes, but I believe they were twin brothers, not the same character, so there ya go.  But I can't help it. The delivery of this guy's lines is impeccable. George parks his car in his lot which is being used as a mobile whore house. George finds a prophylactic in the car, confronts the guy. And then the guy hits us with one of the great throwaway lines in the show's history.

http://youtu.be/Oz0jkktVfJ8
First ten seconds of this clip is gold, Jerry. GOLD


2. Soup Nazi

He had to be on the list. Sure, he's overplayed and everyone says "No soup for you!" to this day. But he's a classic. Yev Kassem (his real name) is as iconic as any main character from the show. His soup recipes are perfect, evidently his bread is quite good and his furniture choices are also impeccable. He's a true Renaissance man.


1. Lt. Bookman

Could it be anyone else, joy boy? Philip Baker Hall KILLS this role. A lifetime library cop out for Jerry's blood for a long overdue book. His seriousness, his menacing looks, his line delivery all combine to make the perfect Seinfeld guest star. When my friends and I watch his performance, we use our pee pees and wee wees to wet our pants.  Undeniably the greatest guest star on the greatest show ever. Thanks for reading this list. I gotta get outta here to get my kicks, me and all my good time buddies. 

If you screw up again, he'll be all over you
like a pit bull on a poodle