Fast & Furious Controversy: Tyrese Threatens To Quit

By B-Cuddy

[EDITOR'S NOTE I'll be honest, no one here at Enuffa gives a rat's ass about Tyrese or these movies. In fact, this is all just an excuse for B-Cuddy to bitch about these 8 (fucking EIGHT?!?!?) pieces of shit. Take it away, Cuddy.]

My wife loves these movies so I have had to sit through the last few of 'em. I still love her though cause I'm a helluva guy. Anyways, it's like the Olympics of bad acting. The stories are so over the top and nonsensical, that for any of those morons to think they're irreplaceable is laughable.

Here are the 5 worst performances from the two that I've watched.

5. The Rock

Seems like a nice guy but he has the emotional range of a can opener. Being on steroids has done his career wonders. I bet even Justin agrees with this. I'd ask him about it, but anytime the Rock gets brought up, you gotta wait a while until Justin cleans himself off.  (Editor's Note: Umm, that's Prof's gig).

4. Ludacris

How is he an actor? And how the fuck did he get cast as the nerdy tech guy?? It would be more believable if my aunt had this role, and she can barely turn the TV on. 

3. Tyrese

Sucks at singing, sucks at acting. He plays the "comic relief" and is always panicking for some reason or another. Which is odd because he continues to be part of a crew who's entire existence is based off high speed chases and explosions and I don't fucking know what else. Perhaps it is actually time for both he and his character to quit. Also, not a laugh to be had. But since he's taking his ball and going home, a spot has opened up. And if you want laughs, hire my man Pickles. He's an actor. (In theory). Just change it to an R-rated flick because there's gonna be a lot of colorful language. C-bombs like ya read about. 

2. Michelle Rodriguez

In one of these hunks of shit, this dame gets amnesia. FUCKING AMNESIA. Because when you get 8 deep into a movie franchise, you gotta break amnesia out at some point. I wish I had amnesia from watching her act. The only one who's worse is Vin himself (SPOILER ALERT!). Apparently Vin's character fancies himself a gal on his acting level, and someone who looks like him. No, seriously, they look similar. It's weird. 

1. Vin Diesel

First of all, what a preposterous asshole name. If a porn actor told a studio his name was Vin Diesel, they'd tell him to pick something less stupid. But i digress...

Maybe the worst actor I've ever seen. Its close between him and that kid who turned Darth Vader into a whiney bitch. From what I've gathered between these movies and his dodge commercial, his entire career is based of having a deep voice. And supposedly being bulky? Maybe that worked until the Rock showed up and cucked him into the next galaxy. AMIRITE, Jingles???!!!

I wish I was surprised these movies made money, but I mean, just look at the world we live in now. It's utter chaos. 

That's all for B-Cuddy.  Thanks for reading, and join our Facebook group HERE.

Dumb Action Movie Reviews: Escape Plan

Welcome to another edition of Dumb Action Movie Reviews, wherein I, Dan Moore, traverse the cinematic wonderland that is Netflix, Youtube and various other websites looking for crappy action movies. The ratings are based on 1-4 Indiana Jones whips, as he's the premier action movie character ever and the whip is AWESOME.

NOTE: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE. BUT DONT WORRY, THE SPOILERS ARE POINTLESS, JUST LIKE THE PLOT TWISTS IN THE MOVIE.

Dumb Action Movie Reviews: A New, Exciting Robocop for Our Time!!!

Welcome to another installment of Dumb Action Movie Reviews here at Enuffa.com, wherein I, Daniel Moore, traverse the cinematic wonderland that is Netflix, YouTube and various other websites looking for action movies removed from the mainstream that probably stink. The ratings are based on 1-4 Indiana Jones whips, as he's the premier action movie character ever and the whip is AWESOME.

********WARNING, THERE WILL BE SPOILERS********

This week I watched the new Robocop remake from 2014, directed by José Padilha. It’s a remake of the 1987 CLASSIC of the same name and stars Joel Kinnaman in the title role, with Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, and Jackie Earle Haley. This review will not be a bellyaching, crybaby parable about how the original flick was perfect and there was no need for a remake. Let’s be realistic, people. Hollywood is a remake and sequel factory now. We all hafta get used to the fact that movies we loved that came out years ago are going to be redone to varying degrees of success and scorn (Can’t wait for ‘Citizen Kane’ starring the Biebs). No one’s raping your childhood, no one’s doing this to ruin the movies that came before. They are doing this for money, and that is the American way. Get used to it.

With that outta the way, this new Robocop is a slickly made, forgettable, loud affair. The plot mirrors the original film - Alex Murphy (Kinnaman) is a cop gunned down by criminals and reanimated as Robocop, Detroit’s last hope for justice.

Kinnaman is cast perfectly as the robotic supercop. He’s a fine Swedish actor you may recognize as the best part of the increasingly frustrating and implausible program “The Killing”. And the updated Robocop suit actually looks quite cool in the original silver and blue model.

BOSS.

But there are a myriad of problems with this film. The supporting cast is fucking USELESS. There was no reason to cast brilliant, Academy Award nominated actors such as Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, and Jackie Earle Haley. They do next to nothing in this film, and Jackson, playing some sort of television talking head with a political show, is one of the most annoying film characters mine eyes have ever seen. Just awful.

The villains in this movie are not at all memorable. I have no idea what any of their names were, and I just watched the thing! In the original, Clarence Boddiker and his gang were fucking vile, GREAT cartoonish villains. Goddamn frightening at times. And Dick Jones, the evil OCP executive was spot on. The gang of vermin in this film are all cookie cutter bad guys who aren’t even threatening. Hell, they bump off the boss of the gang with about 45 minutes left, which then forces the script to turn Michael Keaton (up to this point just a normal businessman doing by the book business things) into the main bad guy. For basically no reason at all, Batman all of a sudden wants to kill Robocop. It makes zero sense.

Another issue I had was the over-humanization of Robo. They really add a lot more family crap than is needed. There are like eight scenes of Murphy’s wife crying over him and letting him know his son needs him. WE GET IT. It completely halts the action to a standstill and isn’t really necessary.

One more thing that bugged me; when they upgrade his new suit to the more ‘tactical’ black outfit, it looks like a poor man’s version of Iron Man. He doesn’t look like a robot anymore, he looks like a dude in a suit doing superheroey things. It destroys the illusion of his cyborg body.

Black pajamas.

Finally, I do hafta compare this film to the original.  This one tries to ground itself in reality, explaining the science, the real world implications of a robotic cop, etc., and it’s just boring and pointless. Part of the charm of the original is the fantastical, futuristic world that is presented. There’s no reason to take the 1987 film seriously because it doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s a great action movie, but look closer and you realize it’s a parody of the action genre. It’s a brilliant piece of moviemaking. This new version is filled with special effects, filled with jump cuts of Robo shooting down other evil robots, filled with dull sequences dealing with his family, dealing with doctors, and being sad. It’s no fun. It’s a mishmash of special effects and fake sentiment.

I wouldn’t watch this movie again. It’s a shame to waste Kinnaman in this bland action flick. Hopefully he gets to sink his teeth into a better movie next time around because he’s a real talent.

This movie gets ONE WHIP

Dumb Action Movie Reviews: Stretch

Welcome to another installment of Dumb Action Movie Reviews, here at Enuffa.com, wherein I, Daniel Moore, traverse the cinematic wonderland that is Netflix, You tube and various other websites looking for action movies removed from the mainstream that probably stink. The ratings are based on 1-4 Indiana Jones whips, as he's the premier action movie character ever and the whip is AWESOME.

Stretch is a 2014 action comedy written & directed by Joe Carnahan, the same dude that did Narc & The A-Team.  The film stars Patrick Wilson, Chris Pine, Ed Helms, Jessica Alba, with Ray Liotta & David Hasselhoff as themselves.

Dumb Action Movie Reviews: Sabotage

Welcome to a new Enuffa.com feature - Dumb Action Movie Reviews, wherein I, Daniel Moore, traverse the cinematic wonderland that is Netflix, You tube and various other websites looking for action movies removed from the mainstream that probably stink. The ratings are based on 1-4 Indiana Jones whips, as he's the premier action movie character ever and the whip is AWESOME.

Sabotage is a 2014 American crime action film, directed by David Ayer, written by Skip Woods and Ayer and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ayer wrote the academy award winning Training Day, so I had some hope for this flick. Woods wrote the non academy award winning Swordfish, so my hope was dashed a bit. But Arnold is fucking Arnold so eat a dick if you don't like him.

(Editor's note: What if we do like Arnold, can we still eat a dick?)

Even taking an old man selfie he's still awesome.

The movie is about a team of DEA agents led by Arnold who go a tad corrupt by ripping off a drug cartel. They then spend the rest of the movie swearing and getting bloody trying to figure out who then ripped them off from their ripped off drug money. Get it? Arnold's got some family tragedy in this and he plays it well as the downtrodden husband.  I love how we're at the point with Arnold that there's no explanation at all for his accent. It's just accepted that this Austrian sounding dude is here and in charge.