Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Game of Thrones Review: Hardhome

**Editor's Note: I have never seen a single episode of Game of Thrones, so I'll have to take Dan's word for it that this week's show was the greatest thing since the discovery of the orgasm.  I didn't understand a word of this review Dan, not a fuckin' word......**

Howdy all, Dan Moore here. I'm a huge fan of Game of Thrones, as most people nowadays are. I've also only watched the TV show, so if you're one of those book know-it-alls, BEAT IT. I like when my imagination is shown to me, so screw you.

Anyways, this weeks episode was INSANE. The first 40 minutes were quite good, moving along the various plots of Westeros. Arya continues her training in the House of Black & White. Sansa has learned from the artist formerly known as Theon that her brothers are, in fact, alive. Tyrion has finally had his meeting with the Khaleesi, and these two put on a fine back and forth to see if they can work together to possibly bring peace to the Five Kingdoms.

But FUCK ALL THAT. Ice Zombie War!!! Holy SHIT that was awesome.

What up?

Jon Snow heads to the Wildling encampment with head ginger in charge Tormund Giantsbane to convince the rest of the flea carriers north of the wall to come fight with the Night's Watch. Fight whom? The White Walkers of course, who have been making slow, PAINFULLY slow progress towards civilization since the first goddamn scene in the first goddamn episode four goddamn years ago.  Turtles screw faster than white walkers travel.

Mr. Snow and Mr. Giantsbane make some progress, convincing a few clans to join up (except for those stupid Thenns. Idiots). I assumed the rest of this episode was going to show the conflicts between these clans and how they could resolve it with violence or peace. But HBO had other ideas.

Anyone order a cold army of the undead?
The White Walkers decided to leave behind their Night of the Living Dead zombie walking pace and amp up to 28 Days Later zombie sprinting. The attacked the FUCK out of the Wildlings, the Crows, Thenns, Smurfs, Hobbits and any other mythical creature clans that stood in the way. And they were vicious in their attack. It was a battle scene just as good as the Battle of Blackwater Bay and last season's Battle at Castle Black. The White Walkers were unrelenting in their attacks, knowing full well all the free folk they defeated would shortly be part of their troops.

It was quite a spectacle. We learned that Valeryian steel is just as lethal to the whites as dragon glass when Jon obliterates one of the head walkers with his sword, Longclaw. We also saw the leader of the White Walkers, the Night's King (pictured above) act totally badass when he walked out on the docks, looked at Jon as he was escaping, and raise all the dead they just killed. A total 'Eat a dick, dude' move by the King there. 'Hey, NBD, you wanna leave, no problem. All your dead are belong to us'.

A tremendous episode all in all. Incredible acting all around, especially the Tyrion/Daenerys scene. The action scenes were directed perfectly. None of that confusing jump cut edit bullshit. Straight on shots where you could actually see the fighting take place. I loved it. Probably my second-favorite episode of the series (behind the Castle Black ep).  I would give this episode:



  1. I enjoyed this episode except the wide shot at the end, Jon Snow's boat was 10 feet from the dock after all that time. I know it was meant to convey the massive scope of the Undead Army, but this is where I feel it failed to do so. I half expected the Giant to pick the boat up or push it to safety in some way, but then again it's every Giant for themselves when you are one of the last of your kind.

  2. I agree. I thought the giant was gonna grab the boat and take off with the rest of the gang. And from the beach, the army's scale def didn't look that impressive. But they pulled back to show the entire village filled with the undead, so I thought that was perfect in showing the scope of them.