Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Dan's Top 9: TV Shows to Watch While Boozing

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9.  It's a countdown.  Written by Dan.  No explanation needed.   Done.


Booze. It's what makes the world go 'round. Whether out at the bar drinking a dozen or so beers with friends or sneaking a bottle of Mad Dog into a christening, booze makes everything better.  However, there are times where you don't wanna see the light of day or interact with other humans when you're drinking. For those times, I present to you the best programs on television to watch when you're drinking that thirty pack alone.

9. Nature Programs: The tranquil sounds of planet earth make for a lovely companion as you sip down Jack & Diets (I'm watching my figure). Also good for a laugh when you come upon some endangered species doing it. Ever watch rhinos bang when you're hammered? It's fucking HILARIOUS.

8. Wrestling: Old school wrestling is my preferred drunken wrestling to watch. The characters were far more outlandish and the personalities were waaaaaay more racist. The only way I could feel more white guilt watching Kamala, the Ugandan Giant is if I was drinking a Colt .45 delivered by Lando himself.

Billy Dee also put up that billboard. HE NEEDS THE WORK!

7. Looney Tunes: Watching these classics when you're drinking is very dangerous. Cartoons are infinitely more funny when altered. When Wile E. Coyote explodes from eating dynamite pills and you've had too many White Russians, your shorts may start to resemble the stain on the road that poor coyote leaves behind.

6. Judge Judy: Chances are if you're watching this old battle axe mete out decisions between people arguing about fender benders at the dollar store, you're unemployed, home during the day, and booze is the only thing that makes waking up tolerable. Bottoms up!

5. Monster Truck Rallies: ESPN tends to show these late night, and I, for one, am quite thankful. Steroid fueled trucks crushing cheap import cars in front of rednecks? YES PLEASE.

Pictured: Hillbilly Wedding Reception

4. Bill Murray Movies: Go through the channels, most likely, there's one on right now. And everyone is familiar with this comedic genius' films. You'll already know when the funny parts are coming up, so you'll know when to go crack open a Natty Ice before Mr. Murray takes Punxsutawney Phil on a suicide death WACKINESS!

3. Bar Rescue: Watching the master, Jon Taffer, belittle morons that have no clue how to run a bar is high comedy even while sober. Viewing it whilst drinking is even better. You try not to laugh when your buzzed as Taffer tells someone to "SHUT IT DOWN" as he chucks a bowl of cold nachos across a dirty barroom. The only ones complaining are the failed business owners' parents.

I'm tempted to stop this blog now

2. Football: A no brainer. Seriously, it has to be, what with the concussions and all. There's no better way to enjoy watching these 'roided up, wife beating, drug addicts than by sucking down twenty cold Bud Lights. Let's celebrate all these convicts while simultaneously vilifying a guy who may have once known that maybe some footballs had some air left out of them because of science. (I'm still so pissed about this)


1. Intervention: There's nothing that makes me feel better about drinking on a weeknight than a good episode of Intervention. Just when I feel like a total scumbag, I watch a guy selling his 8-year-old's Nikes so he can score half a Vicodin and BOOM I'm on cloud nine. "What's that, honey? You don't think I should pour another whiskey sour? Well, this chick on TV just serviced a man in an alley for some Molly. How come you're not judging her, huh? JUDGE HER!! I'm doing pretty damn good over here. Grab me some ice...."

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