WWE Smackdown: Why Asuka Should Go To AEW

Remember when WWE would announce a big match for WrestleMania and your anticipation would build as the big day got closer?  Good times, right?  Whatever happened to that idea?

I resisted the urge to begin this article with the phrase "fuck this company," so as to not sound as genuinely angry as I am.  Last night, in an effort to further load up a WrestleMania main event that didn't need further loading, Vince decided to throw out the planned Fatal 4-Way to determine a #1 Contender to Asuka's Smackdown Women's Title and just had Asuka defend against Charlotte, with no buildup whatsoever.  Oh, and she lost.  So now Ronda-Becky-Charlotte involves both Women's champions for no reason, and Asuka has nothing to do at WrestleMania.  Isn't that just fuckin' peachy.

Look, I realize Asuka's planned title defense at 'Mania wasn't going to be a featured match.  Hell, it probably would've been bumped to the pre-show, on a PPV with 17 matches.  That's fine.  It still would've been an easy, dominant title defense that would've made her look strong and she could've moved on to a better opponent later.  Now she's just one of the girls who wasn't important enough to have a real match and she'll presumably be stuck in the ever-pointless pre-show battle royal, that will be won by a comedy act anyway.  Fuck this company.  See?  There it is.

NJPW New Japan Cup 2019 Top Ten Matches

The New Japan Cup is in the history books and we got the result most of us were expecting.  Kazuchika Okada will challenge Jay White at Madison Square Garden for the IWGP Title.  This tourney boasted the biggest field of all time, with 32 men vying for this historic opportunity.  Overall it was a very enjoyable tour, with loads of restaurant-quality matches and some unexpected twists along the way, plus some refreshing new faces.  I won't go into detail about every match, but I've narrowed down what I feel were the ten best entries, in chronological order.  Okada is represented in four of these matches, which for me unequivocally makes him the tourney MVP.



1. Tomohiro Ishii vs. Yuji Nagata (March 8th) - ****1/4

These two grizzled bastards beat the piss out of each other and it was glorious.  What a way to kick off this tournament.



2. Kazuchika Okada vs. Michael Elgin (March 9th) - ****1/4

While not the best match these guys have had together, this was an excellent showing that left welts on Okada's chest for the duration of the tourney.



3. Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Shota Umino (March 10th) - ****

This Shota Umino kid has it, man.  He's gonna be a major player someday.  What a gallant performance in standing toe-to-toe with the icon Tanahashi.  From a pure storytelling standpoint this was one of the best matches of the tour.

The Great PPVs: WrestleMania X

Welcome to another edition of The Great PPVs, here at Enuffa.com and TheGorillaPosition.com!

Today I'll be revisiting another classic WrestleMania PPV, specifically the apex of the New Generation era, WrestleMania X!

'Mania 10 was the first WrestleMania I ever ordered on PPV (I'd gone to see WM5 on closed-circuit TV), and also the first WWF PPV in a while that I was urgently stoked for.  At the time I was a huge Lex Luger fan (yeah I know), and had been following his main event babyface push intently.  Vince was for several months banking on Luger becoming the next Hulk Hogan, repackaging him as an all-American hero, feuding him against the monstrous WWF Champion Yokozuna, and giving him a countout win in the main event of SummerSlam '93.  I was disappointed that he'd failed to capture the belt that night, but figured it was all building to a rematch at WrestleMania.  When Luger and Bret Hart became co-winners of the 1994 Royal Rumble (something that's never happened before or since), I thought, "This is his time, it's gonna happen!"  Due to the double winner, it was announced that Yokozuna would defend the title against one Rumble winner, and the second would face the champ later in the show.  I was sure Luger would finally unseat Yoko and then successfully defend against Bret in the main event, a match I was beyond excited to see.

Little did I know that the fans overall just weren't that into Luger as the top guy, and it was Bret who'd captured their attention and affection.  WrestleMania X would be a transformative show for me; as my childlike fascination with the already past-his-prime Luger would begin to fade, and my new appreciation for the company's two best workhorses, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, was just beginning.  Bret was one of those wrestlers I liked a lot, but he was never my favorite guy.  When he beat Mr. Perfect for the Intercontinental Title in 1991 I was a little bummed because I liked Perfect better.  When he upset Ric Flair for the WWF Title I was excited at the company's new direction, but was sad that Randy Savage was no longer the focus.  By late 1993 I was all aboard the Lex Express, and Bret was probably my third-favorite babyface, after Lex and The Undertaker.  Meanwhile Shawn had caught my attention with great performances at Survivor Series 1992 and 1993 (both against Bret, coincidentally).

Bret had just begun a feud against his brother Owen, which I figured would occupy him for months and thus he wouldn't regain the title just yet.  After a coin flip that determined Luger as the first challenger, Bret would face Owen before getting his own title shot.  This was another match I couldn't wait to see, and I expected a classic.

The other bout of interest was Shawn Michaels challenging Intercontinental Champ Razor Ramon, which was changed to a Ladder Match shortly before 'Mania.  My only familiarity with Ladder Matches at this point were a pretty terrible Dusty Rhodes-Tully Blanchard match in 1985 and a disappointing Bret-Shawn bout that took place in 1992.  Thus my initial reaction to this announcement was "Dude, whyyyy??"  Keeping with this show's apparent theme of defying my expectations, the Ladder Match would prove me wrong in a profound way.

Brewery Reviewery: Cape Cod Beer (Hyannis, MA)

Welcome to another installment of Brewery Reviewery, here at Enuffa.com, where I visit a local purveyor of craft beer, sample some flavors, and report back.  This past weekend I hit up Cape Cod Beer in Hyannis, MA, where no fewer than 15 beers were up for the tasting, plus a whole lot of other local goings-on.

Cape Cod Beer

1336 Phinneys Lane

Hyannis, MA 02601

The tasting room is located in part of their warehouse building, behind the retail store (which offers take-home growlers, cans and official Cape Cod Beer merch).  In addition to beer pours there was a slew of local vendors peddling their wares, from specialty salts to hot sauces to crafts.  The brewery also features a pop-up kitchen with rich & tasty comfort food.

In terms of beer options, Cape Cod lets you either order full-pint pours or go with a flight of five beers.  I started with the latter before settling on a favorite.  Here's the rundown:


Narrow Lands NEIPA: Soft malt character and little-to-no yeast character, juicy, double dry-hopped New England IPA is easy-drinking with a crisp, clean base that allows the hops to shine through.  Double dry-hopped with Citra and Mosaic, this easy-drinking beer has the bright fruit notes of grapefruit, guava, mango and orange rind.  The hops give this beer another level of thirst-quenching bite that is still soft and mellow.  Clean mouthfeel, juicy hops and a crisp-dry finish.  ABV: 5.9%

JB: This New England-style IPA was a little less citrusy than I could've wished, but it was balanced and pleasant, and easy to drink.  I've recently become obsessed with NEIPAs so I go out of my way to try new ones whenever I can.  This one was alright.



Big Sea Saison: Big Sea Saison is a single-hopped farmhouse ale that features Sorachi Ace, a hop that was originally developed in Japan.  This hop is cultivated from the famed Brewer's Gold and Saaz hops and is known for its lemony flavor.  The beer has a bright citrus overtone matched with an effervescent, dry finish.  ABV: 5.25%

JB: I'm a big fan of saisons and this was one of the standouts of the day, with a good mix of citrus flavor and a bit of spice.  I ended up buying a couple four-packs of this, both because I really enjoyed it and because as a seasonal offering it was 50% off.  Lovely stuff, this one.

Movie Review: Captain Marvel v. Internet Trolls

Sorry trolls, Captain Marvel is not only a hugely successful female-led blockbuster, but it's a pretty darn good one at that.

Marvel's latest entry in the decade-plus MCU centers around Carol Danvers (Brie Larson), an Air Force pilot whose DNA gets supercharged during a mission gone wrong, transforming her into a galactic ubermensche.  As part of the Kree Starforce, Vers as she is now called helps police the universe under the tutelage of Yon-Rogg (an austere Jude Law), waging war against a race of shapeshifters known as the Skrulls.  Only problem is Vers begins having flashbacks to her previous life and feels a compulsion to learn what she's seemingly forgotten.

Captain Marvel refreshingly turns the idea of the origin story on its ear by presenting Vers' past as a mystery to be uncovered; she and the audience glean information about her past together, making the presentation much more engaging than your average superhero origin.  Amid some James Bond-esque action set pieces with a sci-fi tinge, information about our lead character is doled out gradually, while she simultaneously builds a rapport with her new ally Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson in a spry variation of the grizzled character).  Vers finds herself on Earth in the mid-1990s, hoping to locate a prototype light-speed travel device before the Skrulls find it, and the film provides lots of 90s-themed easter eggs, like grunge references and a scene in an internet cafe (remember dial-up?).

My Favorite WrestleMania Moment

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Over the years, WWE’s biggest event has given its fans tons of moments that are forever implanted in your brain as truly memorable and awesome. Hogan slamming Andre the Giant. The Macho Man parading Miss Elizabeth on his shoulders in a victory march. Stone Cold bleeding his face off against the Hitman. Shawn Michaels ending the iconic career of the Nature Boy with the words "I'm Sorry. I Love You." And then of course this.

18 seconds

Sheamus decimating Daniel Bryan in double the time it takes me to find a rubber (Just kidding, I don’t use those, who am I, Justin? Or Derek even?!?!?). But that’s not my favorite moment. No, my favorite moment was this.

Right at the count of three, this is the moment before he screamed,
"MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR!!!!"

That right there, friends, is Justin Ballard filled with rage as his hero D-Bryan was pinned. This man loves wrestling (in case you can’t tell by the ENDLESS wrestling columns). He has his favorites but man oh man they were all trumped by the scrappy bearded fellow from Oregon (Editor's Note: It's Washington, fuckface). He was so looking forward to this matchup. And it was over before he sat down from taking a leak.

The sheer joy his absolute misery gave us that day is immeasurable. Much like the screams of children fueled the creatures of Monsters, Inc, the tears of this man filled me with enough energy to move mountains that day. It gave me unexplainable joy. Food tasted better. The air seemed fresher. I had more energy and self-confidence than I ever dreamed of.

To this day, I’m SHOCKED he didn’t throw us all out of his house the second this happened. We needled him endlessly all night and each time you could see the red flickering light of anger grow bigger as the vein in his head almost exploded with rage. Easily the greatest WrestleMania memory of my life.

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WWE Fastlane 2019: Roman Gets Cheered, Kofi Gets Buried

Fastlane 2019 started life as a Vince Russo-esque calamity of a PPV and ended up being an okay show by the end.  Despite numerous nonsensical booking decisions that have accelerated in recent months amid WWE's ratings desperation, there was enough good wrestling here to save the show and give it a passing grade.  The first third of the PPV was bad, the second third was okay, and the final third achieved "good."

The show opened with the Usos-MizMahon rematch, which was probably a step up from their previous efforts.  Still, Shane really needs to quit it; he was once again out of breath and purple after not much activity.  The big spot came late in the bout, when Shane was about to go for a coast-to-coast dropkick on Jey but Jimmy climbed the opposite turnbuckle, intending to hit a big splash on the Miz.  Both men jumped simultaneously and Shane ended up dropkicking Jimmy midair, but unfortunately the timing was a bit off and Shane hit Jimmy's knees.  Still the spot got a good reaction.  Miz then went for a frog splash on Jey, who got his knees up and cradled Miz for the win.  Post-match, Shane turned on Miz and beat the piss out of him in front of his father, who turned in one of the worst performances I've ever seen on a wrestling show.  Surely if a father were watching someone beat up his son in real life he'd react, right?  Show some hint of being upset?  Maybe jump the rail and try to help?  Nope.  Miz's dad just sat there like a deer in headlights and didn't go over to help his son until after Shane had left.  This angle was pretty terrible.  Is anyone legitimately interested in Shane vs. Miz, by the way?  Anyway the match gets ***.

After an interminably long lull involving Elias and various commercials, the show finally got going again with Asuka vs. Mandy Rose, a more or less nothing match that went six minutes and ended with Sonya Deville grabbing a kendo stick from under the ring but leaving the apron all bunched up under the ropes.  Mandy bounced off the ropes and slipped on the apron, stumbling right into an Asuka kick for the pin.  Why Asuka should even need a banana peel spot to beat Mandy is beyond me.  Mandy and Sonya then teased a breakup as they walked to the back.  Can we for Chrissake give Asuka a real WrestleMania opponent?  Maybe call up Kairi Sane?  This match wasn't good.  *1/2

Music Review: Gary Clark Jr. - This Land (2019)

by Mike Drinan
@mdrinan380

There are artists that you know are great, you can hear flashes of it, but for whatever reason they just don’t have that great or classic album in their catalogue. I felt that way for years about the Foo Fighters until they released 2011’s Wasting Light. Even Beyonce didn’t prove it to me until she released Lemonade, an album that I think needs to be in my life.

Gary Clark Jr. was that kind of artist for me ever since I heard his 2010 Bright Lights EP. There were flashes of brilliance, great songs and a guitar playing mastery that had many anointing him as the next great blues guitarist to carry the torch of the genre from...whoever it was that came before him. The problem was that it never coalesced into a great album. His first two albums sounded flat and disjointed, never coming close to the energy and the guitar mojo of his live performances. Maybe he was trying too hard to be the next great blues artist? I don’t know, but the albums weren’t working and there didn’t seem to be much of “him” coming through the songs.

That all changed this past Friday when he dropped his third studio album, This Land, and completely changed the course of his career. To put it plainly, this album kicks fucking ass and is the album I’ve been hoping for from him. There’s not one element to this album that can be pointed to that makes it so good. He’s pissed, worried, sad, in love, excited, energized and teeming with regret. Contrary to his previous work, it all comes through at a volume of eleven.

The record kicks off with the title track, a synth heavy blues track with a hip hop delivery that boils with rage, detailing racist experiences at his home in Austin, Texas. This anger quickly culminates with the lyric “We don't want, we don't want your kind, We think you's a dog born, Fuck you, I’m America’s son, This is where I come from”. Yeah, you didn’t hear any of that on his other two albums.

The Dive Bars of America: The Cellar Tavern (Abington, MA)

by Dan Moore

@SouthieDanimal

This column features some of the greatest and grossest dive bars in the U.S. of A. I’ll be using a rating system between 1 and 4 handlebar mustaches, which is the preferred mustache by 9 out of 10 old timers in dive bars.

The Cellar Tavern

221 North Avenue

Abington, MA 02351

Thar she blows.  It's an actual cellar.  Under someone's home.  With an old timey truck thereabouts.

I recently moved even more south than the south shore, and have been looking for a dark place to wet my whistle. And lo and behold, this beautiful basement arrived on the horizon. The Cellar has a long bar that’s also combined with a horseshoe shaped part. It’s got a buncha tables for your eating and boozing pleasures too.

Fun Factor: This place is a drunkard’s heaven. They do all kinds of specials during the week. Like a ladies night on Thursdays with raffles and half-priced food.  It’s got the requisite Keno, dart boards abound, a killer juke box and Yahtzee for grownups. Throw a few bucks around and who knows, maybe you’ll walk outta here with enough cash to buy some Advil for your next hangover because…

Booze Choices: ARE DIRT CHEAP. My dear lord. You saddle up to this stick with 20 bucks, and you are going home in a body bag. Ice cold Bud Light drafts are 2 bucks and they have a myriad of cheap mixed drinks all over the place. If you had a bad day at your shitty job (and all jobs are shitty unless you’re a porn star or 3^rd string NFL quarterback), this is the place to drown your sorrows.

Delicious & cheap. Just like me.

NJPW New Japan Cup 2019 Preview & Predictions

We're on the cusp of the biggest New Japan Cup in history, with a whopping 32 participants, the winner getting a shot at the IWGP Championship at G1 Supercard on April 6th.  Usually the winner gets the title match at Sakura Genesis, but the instant sellout Madison Square Garden show has replaced that on the NJPW calendar, and thus we're looking at the highest-stakes New Japan Cup tournament ever assembled.  But who's walking away with the Cup?  Let's take a look at the field.


1. Yuji Nagata
2. Tomohiro Ishii
3. Tomoaki Honma
4. Taichi
5. Manabu Nakanishi
6. Yoshi-Hashi
7. Chase Owens
8. Juice Robinson
9. Kazuchika Okada
10. Michael Elgin
11. Mikey Nicholls
12. Hikuleo
13. Will Ospreay
14. Bad Luck Fale
15. Toa Henare
16. Lance Archer
17. Hiroshi Tanahashi
18. Shota Umino
19. Hiroyoshi Tenzan
20. Ryusuke Taguchi
21. Kota Ibushi
22. Tetsuya Naito
23. Evil
24. Zack Sabre Jr.
25. Togi Makabe
26. Colt Cabana
27. Toru Yano
28. Davey Boy Smith Jr.
29. Satoshi Kojima
30. Minoru Suzuki
31. Hirooki Goto
32. Sanada

WWE Fastlane 2019 Preview & Predictions

We've reached our final PPV Predictions piece for the 2018-2019 season, so get ready to kick into high gear on the Road to WrestleMania, because it's time to rev up your engines in the FASTLANE!!!  God what a stupid name for a PPV...

Anyway, this show is strangely not stacked, like an old In Your House show from the 90s.  But there's some potentially very enjoyable stuff on tap here, including a one-last-time Shield reunion, a big women's rematch with WrestleMania implications, and the one I'm excited about, a dream match of ROH alumni (Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't recall ever seeing Danielson vs. Steen back in the day).  This should be the second consecutive WWE PPV to go less than 3-1/2 hours, which is always refreshing these days.

Let's get to it.

***Heading into the final PPV of the season I'm ahead with 69% (88/127), Landon's next with 66% (84/127), and the Moore boys are tied with 65% (83/127).***

Pre-Show: Rey Mysterio vs. Andrade

Okay, this is fucked that these guys are on the pre-show.  This is I think the fourth televised singles match of this feud and deserves to be on the main card.  They'd better at least be building to a 'Mania match that'll get a good spot, because Rey and Andrade tear it up every time.  I'll go with Andrade to win here, setting up their big rematch.

Justin: Andrade
Dan: Rey
Landon: Andrade
Dave: Andrade

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. Shane McMahon & The Miz

Ugh, this again.  Their match at Chamber was fine, if forgettable, but Shane desperately needs to stop trying to do this shit.  He looks winded, sweaty and purple halfway through every match and seems hell-bent on dying in the ring.  Stop it.  Shane vs. Miz is obviously happening at 'Mania so they're not winning the belts back.  This is the beginning of the end for MizMahon.

Justin: Usos retain
Dan: Twinsies
Landon: Usos
Dave: Usos, but let this be it with this feud.

RIP King Kong Bundy, plus WWE's Booking Mess

Another wrestling legend has left us, as King Kong Bundy passed away yesterday at the age of 61.  I first became aware of the 450-pound monster heel in 1986 or so; I'd started watching the Hulk Hogan cartoon on Saturday mornings but hadn't crossed over to the actual wrestling product yet.  But flipping through the TV Guide one day I saw an ad for Saturday Night's Main Event, which promoted a King Kong Bundy match.  No picture of the guy though.  Being a fan of the film King Kong, the name immediately caught my attention and I began to try to picture what a wrestler named after The Eighth Wonder of the World (a moniker applied to Kong way before Andre) would look like.  A few months later I caught my first glimpse of the bald behemoth and instantly found him terrifying.  Just a giant wall of humanity with a shaved head and missing eyebrows, whose two big moves both involved squashing an opponent under his massive girth.  I soon learned that Bundy had challenged Hulk Hogan (my favorite at the time) for the WWF Title in a steel cage at the second WrestleMania and went out of my way to find that match.  As an eleven-year-old I loved it - an easily digestible ten-minute titanic struggle inside a blue bar cage.  Bundy was certainly no in-ring workhorse, but his fearsome appearance and stature made him a credible monster, plus he could cut a fine promo.  His "five-count" gimmick was a clever way to get over his physical dominance as well; in all his squash matches he'd hit his Avalanche finisher (think the Stinger Splash but with twice as much weight behind it), and insist the referee count to five instead of three for the pinfall.  His run at the top of the WWF was relatively brief, but King Kong Bundy was always one of my favorite superheavyweight heels of the 80s, who could always be booked as a major threat to our babyface champions. 

RIP King Kong Bundy (1957-2019)

The Great PPVs: WrestleMania III

What's up folks?  Time for a new weekly Enuffa.com feature called The Great PPVs, where I revisit a wrestling show that captured the imagination and carved out a place for itself in the annals of the business.

This being the first installment I thought I'd start at the beginning.  Or more precisely, at the beginning of my time as a wrestling fan.  I started watching this pretend sport in November of 1986 (after having been sucked into the characters and pageantry via the Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling cartoon).  The first three major angles I was privy to as a fan were Randy Savage trying to crush Ricky Steamboat's neck with the ring bell (for which I absolutely HATED Savage at the time), referee Danny Davis screwing the British Bulldogs out of the Tag Team Titles (for which I absolutely LOATHED Davis), and Andre the Giant turning against his best friend Hulk Hogan, challenging him to a WWF Title match (for which I absolutely REVILED Andre).

Around the same time the WWF had been showing ads for something called WrestleMania III.  I was like, "What's that, some sort of convention?  And when were WrestleMania 1 and 2??"  Then when Andre challenged Hogan to a match at WrestleMania it all fell into place.  "Oooooh, WrestleMania III is like a special wrestling show."  I didn't yet grasp the concept of PPV, so this was all new to me.

Those three aforementioned angles, along with the retirement of Roddy Piper, would form the backbone of the WrestleMania card, a lineup so magnanimous it could only be held in the massive, 90,000-seat Pontiac Silverdome.  To help build the main event, the main draw for this monumental PPV, the WWF touted Andre's seeming imperviousness; he had not, according to the WWF, ever been defeated in a wrestling ring (in fact he had lost a couple matches outside the WWF), nor even body slammed (even a cursory knowledge of wrestling history of course disproved that factoid - Hogan himself had slammed Andre only seven years earlier).  They also booked a special battle royal on Saturday Night's Main Event a few weeks before 'Mania, where Andre eliminated Hogan before being tossed out by numerous other wrestlers.  The WWF Magazine published a Tale of the Tape, claiming Andre was 7'5", 520 pounds to Hogan's 6'8", 294 pounds (down from his usual billed weight of 303 - nice touch).  All signs pointed to the four-year WWF Champion's time being up.  There was no way he could beat the unbeatable.

Top Ten Things: Film Musicals

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Things here at Enuffa.com!  We give you ten examples of something we like or dislike, and arguments ensue.....

Today I'm discussing a topic that is, dare I say, not really near and dear to my heart, the movie musical.  By and large I'm not much of an enthusiast of the musical.  The idea of a narrative that's constantly being interrupted by its characters spontaneously breaking out into song & dance numbers has always struck me as such a strange concept.  Why does a character need a four-minute song to convey a simple thought or feeling when two lines of dialogue will do?  Why does a film's running time need to be inflated to three hours when there's only 90 minutes of story to tell (Sound of Music, I'm looking in your general direction....)?

That said, there are movie musicals I value quite a lot, either because the story and performances resonate with me, or because the songwriting is so strong, or some combination thereof.  A great musical number can add emotional depth to a scene that wouldn't even be emotionally engaging, simply because of the artistry on display.  I've found myself getting unexpectedly choked up during certain numbers due to the execution being so spectacular.

One thing I should note about this list: I have not included any Disney films because the list would be almost exclusively Disney, and that would be kinda boring.  So I've left those movies out.

Anyway, here we go.....

10. Little Shop of Horrors

This one's been a favorite since I was eleven years old.  In the mid 80s my parents picked up a cheap VHS copy of the original Roger Corman cult classic The Little Shop of Horrors, a grisly horror-comedy about a man-eating plant.  I instantly became a fan of this cheesy B-film and was delighted when it was adapted as a Broadway musical (which my parents took me to see in 1986), and again as an all-star film version of said musical.  The comedy elements were dialed up and the evil plant given a much more colorful personality, via a sophisticated puppet; the puppetry effects in the film version are quite amazing, even today.  Starring Rick Moranis and Ellen Greene (reprising her role from the stage version) with supporting and cameo appearances by Steve Martin, Bill Murray, John Candy, Christopher Guest, and Jim Belushi, plus the voice of Levi Stubbs (of The Four Tops), LSOH is a fun, colorful, self-aware romp with memorable musical set pieces and hooky, early 60s-influenced tunes.  For a film based on a musical based on another film, this one holds up tremendously well.

9. A Hard Day's Night

The first of two Beatles films on this list, A Hard Day's Night is generally the venerated one, a simple "day in the life" story about the world's biggest pop group that involves them traveling by train to a theater where they'll perform for a TV special.  Storyline-wise that's about all that happens.  But this film's charm is in the interaction of the four leads (plus their road managers and Paul's crotchety grandfather).  The Beatles, despite not being trained actors, were pretty natural comedians in front of the camera, particularly the witty, sarcastic John Lennon.  Directed by Richard Lester, AHDN is often revered as Britain's answer to the Marx Brothers, with zany misadventures and hilarious one-liners abound.  But the music of course takes center stage; the band released this film in tandem with their third album of the same name, and seven brand new tracks were featured.  This film was such a hit that the group and their director reunited a year later with a second (and in my opinion even better) followup.

8. Jesus Christ Superstar

Originally written, recorded and released as a double concept album, Andrew Lloyd Webber's masterpiece was so successful that it was fleshed out into a Broadway musical/rock opera about the final days of Christ, portraying him as the world's first celebrity who has become a danger to the political and religious establishment.  Then in 1973 director Norman Jewison brought the show to the big screen, as a visually lavish but aesthetically minimalistic film shot almost entirely in the Israeli desert, where a cast of actors recreate the show with a mix of historical and contemporary elements.  The music drives the narrative, and the principle actors all deliver fantastic performances, in particular Carl Anderson in a soulful, athletic take on Judas, and Bob Bingham as the imposing, villainous Caiaphas.  This gritty, austere adaptation captures the mood of both the 1970s and the story's biblical era, achieving a strange balance between the two that works better than it has any right to.  And of course Webber's music is spectacular; perhaps the definitive example of rock opera.

WWE RAW: Roman Kicked Leukemia's Ass...and Then Batista Kicked Ric Flair's

And here I was thinking we might finally have a WrestleMania card with no fifty-year-olds on it.  Chrissake...  But first the good news.

Roman Reigns announced last night that his leukemia is in remission and he's ready to return to the ring.  Whether you were a Reigns fan prior to his illness or not, this is fantastic news and I'm glad to see the fans have fully embraced him.  It's kind of ironic and sad that despite WWE's best efforts over the years, what finally got Reigns over as a hero was his own real-life struggles.  I guess it shouldn't be that surprising, since wrestlers being themselves is almost always what gets them over, not Vince's scripting (I'm still waiting for Vince to figure this out again).  I just hope the company has the sense to continue letting Roman just be who he is; when he's allowed to speak from the heart he's effective and very likable.

I also hope the company doesn't feel compelled to simply shove him into the Universal Title match at WrestleMania.  That would seem forced and would actually risk damaging the audience's newfound love for the man.  Let Seth Rollins have his well-deserved moment against Brock Lesnar, followed by a long, healthy title run.  Meanwhile Reigns can feud with someone else for a while and maybe they eventually build to Roman vs. Seth in a year.  We never really got a proper version of that feud before anyway, and with Dean Ambrose leaving it will no longer be this awkward two-against-one situation, like in 2014-15 when Roman more or less had to ignore that Seth betrayed him.  If the company doesn't book itself out of a successful Reigns babyface character, Seth can turn on him down the road and it can be a white-hot Hogan vs. Savage-type feud.  Just let things play out organically.

Now for some complaining....

91st Academy Awards Recap: Spike Got Screwed

It's time once again for Mike Drinan and I to give you our Oscar recap thoughts, so let's get to it...

Justin: The 91st Oscars are in the books, and there weren't many surprises.  Most of what we figured would win did, and the Academy predictably went the safe route with the Best Pic award, with Green Book taking home the big one.  Before we get our hands dirty with our gripes, what did you think of the show overall?


Mike: Overall, I thought it was a very enjoyable show this year. I loved the no host thing and hope they continue it. It made the night more about the ceremony than about the host and what they're going to do (i.e gimmicks, jokes, musical numbers, etc.) and it made the ceremony move right along. Even though the show was still over 3 hours long, it was only over by 19 minutes as opposed to years past ending around midnight. The acceptance speeches are still painful to sit through, for the most part, especially the three winners for Best Hair & Makeup and their shared piece of paper. Good lord! Coordinate people! Talk out these ideas first. However, Olivia Colman's speech was the best speech of the night. I think my only gripe about the show overall is the opening montage of films moved a little fast like they had to rush through it. For a night that is meant to celebrate the year in film, I thought they could've put a little more care into that. Other than that, I thought it was a really good night for the Academy as far as the ceremony goes.


Justin: I was torn on the no-host thing.  I agree it allowed the show to move along faster, but I feel like there still needs to be a host to intro the show and sign off at the end.  Maybe split the difference.  Julia Roberts awkwardly saying "Welp, I guess that's it, good night!" was a really odd way to end it.  I loved Colman's speech, easily the highlight of the evening.  She's adorable.  Other highlights for me were Gaga-Cooper (Do they have tangible chemistry or what?) and Rami Malek's speech.  I would've liked to see the Thalberg award presentation, especially since Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall won it - Kennedy is the first woman to win that award.

Now, as for the big winners....  I haven't seen Green Book yet (or Roma for that matter), so I can't comment totally intelligently on its merits, but from what I've read this felt like the Academy taking the non-controversial route YET AGAIN.  There were two Best Pic nominees that dealt with race relations in America and the voters rewarded the White Version.  I gotta say that bugs me on a number of levels.  BlacKKKlansman is a challenging, unapologetic look at American racism, with very clear parallels showing how relevant the issue still is today.  Green Book seems to essentially be saying "Yeah, things were fucked up for a while but it's alright now."  Guess what - it ain't yet. 

I'm not sure what the Academy has against black directors, but Spike Lee is the fifth nominated black director in the last decade to lose in that category (the first four were Lee Daniels, Steve McQueen, Barry Jenkins and Jordan Peele), despite two of those directors winning Best Picture later in the night.  Am I crazy or does that seem really wrong?  I'd opine that Best Director and Best Picture should almost always go to the same film, but especially in the case of 12 Years a Slave for example, which was such a flat-out masterpiece.  McQueen lost that year to Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity of all films, and three years later Barry Jenkins (Moonlight) lost to Damien Chazelle for fucking La La Land.  Moves like these feel like the Academy is going out of its way to preserve that particular glass ceiling.  And now Spike Lee (who did at least win his first-ever Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay) had to lose to another movie about someone driving somebody somewhere (Do the Right Thing lost to Driving Miss Daisy in the Screenplay category 29 years ago).  I dunno, I think he has every right to be pissed.

91st Academy Awards Preview & Predictions

It's that time again, when Hollywood's best and brightest get dolled up and give each other presents for being awesome!  So Mike Drinan (@mdrinan380) and I are back to offer our thoughts and predictions!

2018 was definitely a step down from 2017 for me.  There were some excellent films but nowhere near the volume of '17 (Then again 2017 was one of the best years for film I can remember).  I also spent a lot of the year playing catch-up and there are still a few important entries I have to see.  But in terms of Best Pic nominees I'm in decent shape, having seen six of the eight.

What disturbs me about this year's awards is the obvious desperation for ratings, to the point that not only was the Academy considering adding a Best Popular Film category (Holy fucking Christ that's a terrible idea), but a couple of the Best Pic noms were questionable at best.  I get that you need people to watch the show, but surely we don't have to cheapen the most important category with films that don't deserve to be there.  More on that in a bit.

I also find the lack of a host very odd.  Kevin Hart was of course tapped to host the show originally, and I think he'd have been highly entertaining in that role.  But then it got out that, get this, standup comedian Kevin Hart once told some offensive jokes.  ***GASP***  Look, Eddie Murphy was supposed to host several years ago and I guarantee whatever Hart said in his act was less offensive than some of Murphy's 1980s material.  Standup comedy is kinda sorta supposed to be offensive at times, no?  So rather than welcome further backlash, Hart stepped down as host and the Academy chose not to replace him at all.  This'll be weird.  Who's doing the introduction?  This edition feels so chaotic.

Anyway, let's get to the categories.

Best Picture

Black Panther

BlacKKKlansman

Bohemian Rhapsody

The Favourite

Green Book

Roma

A Star is Born

Vice

Justin: I've seen all but two of these candidates (Roma & Green Book) and hope to catch them this weekend before the show.  Roma's on Netflix so that should be a no-brainer.  My favorite of the six I have seen is BlacKKKlansman, a riveting docudrama with subject matter that's as relevant today as it was in the 70s.  I also loved The Favourite and have begun delving into Yorgos Lanthimos's previous films (His movies have an offputting, Kubrick-esque quality that I admire greatly).  Vice and A Star is Born are both top-notch candidates as well, with excellent performances.  Black Panther is an odd one for me; I liked this movie a lot and I'm certainly happy the Academy recognized a superhero film, particularly one with such cultural significance.  But like Mad Max Fury Road it seems out of place here.  The one that really gets my goat though is Bohemian Rhapsody, a sterile, trite, paint-by-numbers rock n' roll biopic that for me didn't even measure up to Oliver Stone's The Doors.  This nomination more than any other reeks of ratings desperation, and in including it the Academy seems to have mistaken a strong central performance for a great film.  You can read my full review of BR here, but in short, this movie has no business in this category.  How did If Beale Street Could Talk not get included instead, aside from "ratings, man?"

Anyway, Roma's been the odds-on favorite to win this whole thing and it's probably the most unanimous pick for most critics, but I gotta think the studio heads are pissed that it's a Netflix film.  Could that hurt its chances?  I could see Klansman getting it instead, since Spike Lee never wins anything.  That's what I'm rooting for.  But Roma has gotten SO much praise it's hard to bet against it.

Prediction: Roma


Mike: This year, I slacked off on the movie front. I have only seen 2 of the nominated films, Black Panther and BlacKKKlansman. Both Black Panther and Bohemian Rhapsody seem odd choices for this category. It's definitely an effort to get ratings. It would've been nice if If Beale Street Could Talk got one of those two spots. It was absolutely worth nomination, at least. I'm really interested to see The Favourite since there seems to be a good mix of humor, drama and uncertainty to it. Yorgos is definitely an interesting director to keep an eye on. I'm also interested in seeing A Star Is Born because it looks great, but I don't like that it got nominated in this category. It's the fourth remake of this film. WHY are we entertaining it as if it was some great original idea?

Anyways, I've heard great things about Roma and it's won a slew of awards already and critics have been loving it, so I'm not sure if it being on Netflix hurts or not. I wouldn't completely mind if BlacKKKlansman gets it but I don't see that happening. To me the upset would come from Green Book.

Prediction: Roma

WWE Elimination Chamber 2019: Everybody Loves Kofi

Well it was no instant classic by any means, but the 2019 Elimination Chamber PPV was inoffensive and refreshingly short, with two Chambers that were, at worst, decent (One was very good in fact).

The show started and ended well, opening with the Women's Tag Team Championship Chamber.  This bout was messy in spots and suffered from not enough credible teams (Alexa & Mickie should've been involved), but it revved up well toward the end and the crowd bought into the importance of it all.  Sasha Banks & Bayley began and ended the match with Mandy Rose & Sonya Deville, and the two teams gelled pretty well.  Nia Jax & Tamina got some good dominant spots, eliminating two teams, The Riott Squad got some moments to shine, particularly in the spot where they each dove off a chamber pod onto separate opponents, The IIconics came off as suitably overmatched (I've heard complaints that they got in too much offense, but it was after a huge Tower of Doom spot, so it didn't bother me), and Naomi & Carmella were essentially punished for their respective scandals this past week.  Kinda odd.  In the end of course it came down to the two starting teams, who had good some back-and-forth before Sasha finally locked in the Bank Statement (using one of her legs since her shoulder was injured) for the tapout on Sonya.  This felt like a big moment and a fitting start to this new championship.  Hopefully the company won't cheapen it by bouncing it all over the place.  Sasha and Bayley need a long run to establish this title as something valuable.  An entertaining Chamber match with the right winner.  ***

Movie Review: Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

So what are we to take away from Bohemian Rhapsody exactly?  That Queen were a popular, groundbreaking band with an all-time great frontman?  We already knew that.  That Freddie Mercury was a wholly unconventional rock star who loved to party and had sex with a lot of people?  Yeah, we knew that too.  Or, are they implying that Mercury took his "lifestyle" too far and the band had to "rein him in," in order to be able relate to him again?  By all historical accounts Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor weren't bothered in the least by Freddie's sexual orientation or his expression thereof, but in this film they're visibly uncomfortable with it seemingly at every turn.  And yet the screenplay isn't courageous enough to explore Freddie's personal life in any three-dimensional fashion, instead tiptoeing around all of it.

Were the filmmakers scared to deal with this material, lest it frighten away mainstream audiences?  Were Brian May and Roger Taylor not willing to fully commit to a tell-all about their bandmate, lest Queen fans come to the "shocking" realization that Freddie wasn't perfect?  This film just feels like it couldn't decide whether to be a Mercury character study or a band biography, and it ends up not really being either.  Mercury's personal life is explored only on the surface, and the other three band members are barely given characters at all.  Even his long-time relationship with Mary Austin and his later one with Jim Hutton are mostly glossed over, while his personal assistant Paul Prenter is presented as a scheming leech.

Singlehandedly carrying the film, Rami Malek gives a very strong performance, the only thing about this film that deserved an Oscar nomination (apparently Bohemian Rhapsody is this year's Gladiator in terms of being over-nominated).  But imagine what he could've done with Mercury's final years, something the script omits completely, instead jumping from the triumphant Live Aid performance to a closing title informing us that Freddie died six years later.  This reeked of the filmmakers simply not wanting to get their hands dirty exploring real dramatic heft, like the goal was to enhance the Queen brand rather than tell their (fascinating) story.

Parents' Night In #17: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994)

Kelly and Justin enjoy some Cava, some local craft beers, and the movie that launched Jim Carrey's legendary film career, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!  Jim's performance still holds up 25 years later as a masterstroke in screwball comedy!  Sit back and listen to us prattle on about how much we love the guy....

And make sure to SUBSCRIBE!

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BEST. MOVIES. EVER: APOCALYPSE NOW

"You understand, Captain, that this mission does not exist, nor will it ever exist."

One of my all-time favorite movie posters.  I like it so much that after watching the film once in 1995
and not loving it, I gave it another chance years later.  Good thing I did, because that's when the film clicked for me.

Why has Francis Ford Coppola's Vietnam War tour de force Apocalypse Now, whose production was hampered by just about every turmoil and anxiety imaginable, endured the last 40+ years as a genuine classic?   How was its director able to weather the perfect storm of location problems, unpredictable equipment availability, cast changes, health scares, and a wholly mercurial and unprepared star, and come out the other side with one of the greatest of all war films, indeed one of the greatest films of any genre?  Perhaps adversity really is key to making great art.  Maybe the filmmakers' creative anguish formed a cinematic powderkeg, the volatility of which can be felt in every frame.  Or maybe Apocalypse Now remains in our collective lexicon because it is not a "war film" in the traditional sense, but rather a story about traveling inward to the darkest recesses of the human soul and confronting what we find.  Perhaps the above quote from Harrison Ford's character Colonel G. Lucas (get it?) is more significant than just a plot-related throwaway line.

The film begins with a beautiful slow-motion shot - a reject from the vast collection of dailies that Coppola just happened to fish out of the trash, depicting a forest being incinerated by a fleet of helicopters - before blending into a composite shot.  The jungle becomes the background for an upside-down closeup of Martin Sheen as Captain Benjamin Willard and a closeup of a temple face carved out of stone.  The soundtrack to this beautifully disturbing montage is The Doors epic "The End," which in its own right would become another character in the film.  This combined image is a harbinger of the introspective, surrealistic journey Willard, and we, are about to take.

Effin' trippy, dude.

"There is no way to tell (Colonel Kurtz's) story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine."

Capt. Willard is a broken man when we first meet him.  Like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome, he has been at war so long he no longer knows how to live without it; how to relate to the outside world.  His marriage has ended and he's chosen to return to battle, but without a mission he rots away in a Saigon hotel room, spending most waking hours in a drunken haze.  He is a man devoid of purpose, and when his superiors finally give him something to do, it is the unenviable (and classified) task of traveling upriver through the war-mutilated country to kill a rogue US Colonel.  The film then becomes a series of detached events resembling Homer's Odyssey, as Willard and his boat crew travel deeper and deeper into the jungle.

Willard's target, the highly decorated Colonel Walter Kurtz, has established a cult-like settlement deep in the Laotian jungle (where he is worshiped by the local tribes) and wages his own chaotic form of war.  Willard reluctantly agrees to the mission despite its profound moral ambiguity, and as his journey progresses he finds himself both fearing and deeply respecting Kurtz for all his accomplishments.  He begins to doubt his ability to carry out the mission.

Apocalypse Now is full of great shots.  This one is simple but perfectly captures
the overwhelming heat and claustrophobia of the location. 

WWE Elimination Chamber 2019 Preview & Predictions

It's been three weeks since the Rumble, so that means it's time for another WWE PPV!  We're in the thick of WrestleMania season, when a few of the big matches for April are starting to become clearer.  This Sunday it's the return of Elimination Chamber!

Like 2018, this year's edition has two Chambers, one for the men and one for the women.  But the women's match this time has a wrinkle, as it's to crown the first set of Women's Tag Team Champions, a title that hasn't existed in roughly thirty years (Remember how awesome the Jumping Bomb Angels were?).  Aside from the two Chamber bouts, this show is fairly thin, but at least it won't be five hours, for Chrissake.  Let's get to it...

***I'm ahead with 69% (83/120), Dave is second with 66% (79/120), and Dan and Landon are tied with 65% (78/120).***

Pre-Show Cruiserweight Championship: Buddy Murphy vs. Akira Tozawa

For the first time I'm actually a little sad the CW match got bumped.  Buddy and his, well, buddies on 205 Live have been killing it lately.  This should be no exception, as both guys can go.  I gotta stick with Buddy to retain here since it is on the pre-show.  Maybe someday they'll get a high-profile enough match to have a meaningful title change.

Justin: Buddy retains
Dan: Yeah
Landon: Buddy
Dave: Buddy

Intercontinental Championship: Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush vs. Finn Balor

I hate handicap matches, you should all know this by now.  But I like Finn Balor.  Finn should finally win some goddamn main roster gold; he's only had a title on RAW for one day.  This could be decent.  Finn has been working his ass off lately, Lashley is much, much better as a heel, and Lio Rush is talented.  But Finn needs this.

Justin: Finn gets the pin to win that piece of tin.
Dan: I think Lashley holds it here to lose it to Balor at 'Mania
Landon: Christ almighty.  Finn.
Dave: Let's go Finn

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: Shane & The Miz vs. The Usos

Christ, this is where we're at now?  Shane gets a PPV match every month?  We all know this is building to Shane-Miz at 'Mania, but since Fastlane stands between this show and that one, Shane & Mike ain't losing yet.

Justin: The champs retain
Dan: They almost have to.
Landon: Usos
Dave: The champs, but come on, this is ridiculous.

You Used to be Sooooo Good: Frank Miller

Welcome to another edition of You Used to Be Soooo Good, where Justin and I, Dan Moore, discuss things used to be awesome but now, eh, not so much. On this day we discuss one of the greatest, most important men to ever come down the chute to write and draw men in tights punching other men in tights in the facial regions.

Frank Miller:  You Used to Be Soooo Good

He just looks like a creep these days.

DAN: Mr. Miller is the highly influential creator of some of the greatest comic book opuses out there. He’s the master of Batman stories, and gave us this, one the most iconic images of Bats in comics history. 

My God.  Just look at it.

The man changed the comics world, taking it from the nerdy clichés of the Simpsons comic book guy to becoming okay for the masses to enjoy them.


JUSTIN: He somehow went from being one of the greatest and most influential comic book artist/writers of all time, a man who revitalized and redefined not one but two major characters while creating a totally distinctive style, to an insufferable self-parody who turns out mean-spirited fascist drivel.


DAN: His politics seem to have completely taken over his creative mind. To the point where he had to re-do a Batman comic into a totally different character as it went on to become a propaganda piece depicting a masked hero beating up Al-Qaeda operatives. Which, to me, seems like a pointless indulgence as actual terrorists run amok around the world. Is seeing a pretend hero beating up actual villains supposed to make us feel better? Feel patriotic somehow? The whole project, from inception to execution seemed 100% pointless and ego driven.


JUSTIN: Yes, his recent "classic," Holy Terror, is essentially just his own fantasy about killing Muslims. Here's how Grant Morrison felt about the idea when it was announced:

Batman vs. Al Qaeda! It might as well be Bin Laden vs. King Kong! Or how about the sinister Al Qaeda mastermind up against a hungry Hannibal Lecter! For all the good it's likely to do. Cheering on a fictional character as he beats up fictionalized terrorists seems like a decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world. I'd be so much more impressed if Frank Miller gave up all this graphic novel nonsense, joined the Army and, with a howl of undying hate, rushed headlong onto the front lines with the young soldiers who are actually risking life and limb 'vs.' Al Qaeda.

It's just a shame that such a brilliantly talented artist/writer evidently allowed the events of 9/11 to turn him into a vindictive, bitter old vulture.  Not unlike what happened to Dennis Miller. I mean there's a place for political commentary in comic books to be sure, but it kinda has to be kept as subtext, or it just becomes regurgitated propaganda.  During World War II DC Comics used to depict Superman beating up Hitler and Hirohito on the covers of several issues, but inside the stories were never about that.  The editors wisely understood that even if Supes beats up our enemies abroad in the pages of his comic book, in real life our soldiers still have to face actual horrors overseas.  In the end, while comic books can contain relevant social and political topics, they need to be presented as the backdrop for an escapist story somehow, or it doesn't really work as an art form.

Yeah, Generic Superhero!  You beat up that sword-wielding mummy!

Girl Scout Cookies Are Complete & Utter Trash

By Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Well, it’s that time of year again. When a bunch of people that work in an office are forced by some pushy asshole co-worker to overpay for some shit cookies being sold by a cabal of prepubescent minions in uniforms for a scam “fundraiser”. That’s right, it’s Girl Scout cookie season.

A rainbow of rubbish

This fucking shakedown has been perpetrated on the American public for literally centuries*. These god-awful bullshit cookies are pushed upon you by some doting mother, probably with an asshole name, like Paige or Alice. “Would you like to overpay for some flavorless sugar discs” she’ll say. And lest you be chastised by the whole fucking office, you acquiesce and say “Sure, give me a box of that garbage where the carboard holding the cookies is tastier than the bullshit cookie itself”. Then she’ll say “oh, only one?” and fucking Karen in accounting will give you that look of disdain, like you’re some kind of monster for only getting one box full of plain flour slices (seriously, fuck you, Karen). So you get two. And she says “ok that’s 9 cookies for a thousand dollars, thanks asshole”.

*(probably not literally).

I hate the whole racket. The fake specialness of those awful cookies. The little sprites in their fucking sashes accosting me outside the Market Basket trying to get me to overpay for their dumpster cookies. Uh, hey, Prudence, or Zima or whatever the fuck horrible name your parents gave you, I just came from the super market. I got BAGS of good cookies, sweetheart. Oreos UP THE ASS. Good shit, like Chips Ahoy and/or Deluxe, whatever your Chips preference is, I got it. And there’s a TON of those motherfuckers in very affordable packages.

GOAT

And what the fuck are you doing by the supermarket exit selling cookies? Hey, newsflash Nadia, I ALREADY BOUGHT COOKIES. Why would I get more when I’m leaving? Who the fuck taught you marketing? There’s ZERO chance I’m buying anything by the exit of the place I just left, unless it’s a bar and there’s cocaine. It’s common sense. Jesus Christ.

Let’s rate these motherfuckers.

The Peanut Butter ones—legit, the only decent tasting one, and that’s being kind, because these are still fucking terrible. The peanut butter to “cookie” ratio is waaaaaaaaaay fucking off. It tastes like dried dough with a slight peanut butter texture.

RATING: On a taste of ass to total ass, it tastes slightly worse than ass.

Thin Mints---the fuck outta my face with this bullshit. A thin disc of smashed up toothpaste is what this is. “Oh you gotta put them in the freezer for the best taste” I’m gonna put you in the freezer if you don’t shut the fuck up. When I need instructions on how to make your vomit cookies actually taste good, that means they suck and you should go to hell.

RATING: Pure minty hell.

Samoas---“Here, have a bite of racism!” What the fuck is with this name? They’re destroying a beautiful culture by having them be associated with this monster. Caramel and chocolate all mixed up with coconut? I’d rather get a handy from Freddy Krueger than try to down these abominations.

RATING: Complete and utter ASS.

If these look enticing to you, go jump in traffic. 

Tagalongs---more like fuckalongs.

RATING: Balls. Pure balls.

Fuck these cookies. Straight dumpster cuisine.

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The One Thing Wrong with Jurassic Park, by Dan Moore

Jurassic Park is an incredible film. You don't need me to tell you this. It's science. Look.

I'm not here to point out any of the myriad of plot holes, technical gaffes or implausibilities in this film. There's plenty of articles out there showing this stuff.  I'm of the belief that if I can buy people bringing back fucking DINOSAURS, then sure, I can believe a T-Rex can sneak up on a group of raptors and people in a building.

My one problem with this movie is this.

Not that the lawyer gets it on the toilet. No issue there. My problem is with the fact that there's a toilet there in the first place. There would be ZERO need for a toilet at the T-Rex paddock. You would automatically shit your pants at the awesomeness of a T-Rex eating a goat. Not in a bad, embarrassing way. It would be accepted in every tour given. It would be a known custom at the park. They'd be telling you this the second you went through that King Kong wooden door.  "Be warned, this next part is so fucking awesome, you are going to shit in your pants." Christ, I'm sitting on my couch, just thinking of a giant lizard eating some livestock, and a little nugget fell out.  Ok, two. If you think there's something wrong with that, then there's something wrong with you and I don't wanna know you.