Thursday, February 8, 2018

Top Ten Things: WORST WWF Wrestling Superstars LJN Toys

Welcome back!  Alright, now that we've counted down the ten best LJN Wrestling Superstars toys, let's look at some that didn't make the grade.  Ones that either looked like absolute shite or that served zero purpose when you were trying to put together a pretend wrestling match (a phrase I know is technically redundant).  Some of these damn toys just hurt my brain and I don't know what LJN was thinking when they created the molds.  Here we go.... 




10. Warlord


Alright, you might be asking why Warlord is on this list when a) the toy looks quite a lot like him and b) he's got a decent pose for doing wrestling moves.  This toy pissed me off to no end for one reason: WHERE THE FUCK ARE HIS PANTS???  The Warlord as of 1989 wore long tights, ALWAYS.  So why the goddamn hell is he wearing little Speedo trunks on this toy?  Did no one at LJN bother to look at even a single a picture of this guy that extended below his waist?  Not only that, he's missing kneepads.  Do just a cursory bit of homework and this toy becomes one of the best in the line.  But because of pure fucking laziness, he's relegated to the bottom of the pile.  Also, where the hell was Barbarian??

Likeness - 7
Playability - 7
Total - 14





9. Iron Sheik


This is another one that looks vaguely like the real guy but in a very superficial way.  If you look closely, the facial features don't particularly resemble the Iron Sheik at all.  Again, I feel like they based this sculpt on the cartoon show instead of the actual human.  So this one gets a middling score there.  And his pose kinda sucked.  He's doing the vaudville strongman pose, which was okay for headlocks, clotheslines and maybe a suplex, but it was absolutely impossible to do Sheik's finishing move, the Camel Clutch.  If you can't do the guy's finisher that subtracts significant points.  Pretty lame, LJN.

Likeness - 5
Playability - 5
Total - 10





8. Paul Orndorff


What the hell were the sculpting team smoking when they made the Orndorff figure?  He's got a gigantic, malformed head, he's impossibly jacked, and he's missing kneepads.  Clearly this mold was done by the same guy that did Greg Valentine's, because this is one of the most unpleasant-looking action figures ever made.  This is what Paul Ordorff would look like if someone parked a bus on his face.  Not to mention, the physique they gave him is more Arnold than Orndorff, who was quite buff but not bodybuilder huge.  As far as playability though, he scores fairly high since his arm flexing was conducive to clotheslines and elbows, plus you could do a press slam or a Torture Rack.  But Christ, what an awful-looking toy.

Likeness - 3
Playability - 7
Total - 10








7. Jesse Ventura


It's a shame Jesse was already retired by the time this toy came out.  At the time I was a little confused - "Wait, why is there a toy of the bad guy announcer?"  As far as the likeness goes, this was a solid representation of "The Body," though again, why's he wearing a bandana and sunglasses?  That shit ain't legal in a match.  Regardless of how the toy looked though Jesse was posed in the stupidest way possible, flexing one arm with his wrist turned out instead of in.  So you could do a clothesline or an elbow drop, and that was about it.  This pose sucked and looked totally unnatural.  Outta my face with this crap.

Likeness - 8
Playability - 2
Total - 10






6. Don Muraco


Don Muraco's toy had to be one of the most generic in the whole series.  Hey look, it's a tan guy wearing a t-shirt.  The face sculpt is actually pretty good, but whose job was it to get the scaling right?  They made Muraco look like a 5'9" cruiserweight instead of a 6'2" powerhouse.  Maybe this was supposed to be Muraco pre-steroids?  On top of that, his pose is utterly useless, with his arms sorta casually by his sides.  You could do a body slam or his signature tombstone piledriver (sort of), and not much else.  This here was a half-assed figure.

Likeness - 6
Playability - 3
Total - 9





5. Bob Orton


Likewise for Muraco's buddy, "Ace Cowboy" Bob Orton (Wait, was he an ace or a cowboy?  Pick one, fuckos.), who kinda sorta looked like Randy Orton's dad but only in a general way.  Plus he's wearing the stupid vest, which in real life always came off prior to the opening bell.  Now, if they had included Orton's infamous arm cast on this toy that would've earned a couple points.  Compounding the suckiness was that ol' Bob had one arm by his side while the other was flexed with his fist sorta cocked.  So a punch would essentially always be a backhand, and aside from throwing or dropping an elbow there was little you could do with this asshole.

Likeness - 5
Playability - 3
Total - 8






4. Honky Tonk Man


Of all the LJN toys wearing too much entrance gear, HTM's was the worst.  This guy is sporting the full Elvis jumpsuit and holding his signature guitar.  It more or less looks like him, but the fact that he's got his full entrance outfit on is just absurd.  Not to mention they have him in his hip-swinging dance pose, so he's absolutely useless in-ring.  You can maybe squeeze a weak-looking clothesline out of him but that's all.  Absolute crap.

Likeness - 6
Playability - 1
Total - 7





3. Koko B. Ware


Now we get to the really embarrassing entries.  The people in charge of molding these next three figures should've been taken out into the street and pelted with sewer lids.  They had Koko B. Ware wearing his jacket, headband and sunglasses, and depicted mid-bird dance.  So he looked stupid and you couldn't really have him wrestle.  Literally the only big move of his you could do was the top-rope dropkick since his feet were close together.  Otherwise this was a pointless toy.

Likeness - 4
Playability - 1
Total - 5





2. Rick Rude


Perhaps no LJN figure pissed me off more than Rick Rude's.  Once again we got a pretty shabby likeness; Rude's head approaches something resembling the real guy but his body was overly puffy and not nearly as cut as it should've been.  But where this toy actually became offensive was his pose.  His hands are pinned to the top of his tights, meaning his arms are immobile, and for all intents and purposes MISSING.  This here is effectively an action figure with no fucking arms.  You literally couldn't do a match with the Rick Rude toy.  I would love to have been in on the prototype presentation for this one.  "Um, excuse me, what in the holy fuck am I supposed to do with a paraplegic Rick Rude??"  Fuck right off, jerks.

Likeness - 5
Playability - 0
Total - 5





1. Vince McMahon


But amazingly Rude didn't score the lowest.  No, that honor goes to The Chairman himself, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  First off, aside from his cleft chin this looks not a thing like Vince.  It's more like Non-Specific Game Show Host Guy.  If you cut the head off and presented it to the average wrestling fan I'd bet they'd be hard-pressed to tell you who it was supposed to be.  But leaving aside the shabby resemblance, this was an utterly pointless action figure.  Who in 1986 was clamoring to buy a toy of the Saturday morning announcer dude?  Remember, in the mid-80s Vince wasn't a character on the show.  Hell, he wasn't even "The Boss" yet, he was just the host.  So what was the goddamn point of having this toy at all?  Not to mention his right arm is molded into his torso since he's holding a microphone, so if you did want to have him fight for whatever reason, he couldn't do anything.  Look, this isn't the same as the Bobby Heenan or Jimmy Hart toys - at least the managers sometimes got involved in the actual matches.  So I can understand wanting those for outside interference purposes.  But Vince??  I have a feeling Vince just really wanted to have an action figure of himself, so he slipped that into LJN's schedule.  "Yeah, trust me, the kids are gonna want a Vince McMahon to complete their set."  This toy was even more useless than Vince's WWF Title run, if such a thing is possible.

Likeness - 3
Playability - 0
Total - 3


Well that's my look at the worst of LJN's WWF line.  Hope you enjoyed the rant - comment below with your thoughts, and don't forget to join us on Facebook HERE and Google+ HERE.




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