Friday, March 3, 2017

Bare Naked (Chicken) Ladies

by Sok Maher

Taco Bell pulled a KFC on us and invented an item where fried chicken replaces the flour based carbohydrate-rich outer layer.  This food item needs no introduction, but for posterity’s sake I give to you the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa (NCC)!

Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry for a review.  But this, my friends, is more than just a review; it’s a confession.  Here it goes… I HAVE NEVER EATEN A KFC DOUBLE DOWN.  I know, I know.  I can hardly believe it myself.  This is one of those classic, “I’m not mad… I’m disappointed” situations.  

Love at first bite?  Pretty damn close.  This chicken is spiced up real nice.  Not really a fan of cold, raw tomatoes, but even they are tolerable when wrapped in this deep fried deliciousness.  I wish someone would wrap me up in a piece of deep fried chicken   On to the review…

Flavor – So the chicken really makes or breaks the NCC.  This should come as no surprise for a sandwich made entirely of chicken.  It is perfectly spiced, perfectly cooked, and I’m pretty sure gluten-free for all you hypochondriacs out there.  I’d say it’s at least 90% actual chicken.  It’s rare that anything I do is 90% pure.  Gracias Taco Bell.  I give this 5 sombreros on the standard 5 sombrero scoring system.

Price – I have only purchased the insanely reasonably priced $5 Box containing a NCC, a Doritos Locos taco, a regular taco and a drink for $5.  A lot of the times I forget my drink in the car though.  It’s sad, but at least it’s not summer where it would melt all of the ice on me.  I feel like I may have gone on a tangent.

Food Quantity – This will be controversial, but here it goes…  Despite the fact I could probably mow down like 8 of these in one sitting, I still believe it’s the perfect size.  The smaller size really works for the NCC.  No matter how many you eat, whether you are trying to set a new personal food record or impress that special lady in your life, you won’t have the self-loathing you normally do.  And by “you”, obviously I mean “me”.

Intangibles – This is clearly a knockoff of the KFC Double Down.  Obviously they are part of the same conglomerate, so I’m almost upset that this hasn’t come out sooner.  The real surprise here is that the NCC is not all that messy to eat.  I think I used more napkins to wipe the Dorito powder off my fingers than I did when eating the NCC.  It comes in its own little cardboard holster, which is cute, despite being almost inedible.  Almost.

Overall – When people ask me what my favorite Rocky movie is, first I give them a disgusted look for asking the question as if it were opinion-based.  It’s not.  My answer goes something like, “Rocky IV is not only the best Rocky movie ever, it’s the best movie ever.”  That’s how I will feel from now on when someone asks what my favorite Taco Bell item is.  If they build that wall, I hope they make it out of Naked Chicken Chalupas.  I’ll take it down myself.  One bite at a time.

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