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What is it with Hell in a Cell PPVs nowadays? This is the second year in a row WWE has only announced four matches as of a few days before the show. And we all know how that went last year, don't we? What the fuck, with this company....
Anyway, Hell in a Cell 2020 is in four days, so I guess let's pick the winners for the half-card they've been gracious enough to announce. There's really only one match on this show I'm interested in and that's the three-years-in-the-making Bayley vs. Sasha match.
Jeff Hardy vs. Elias
So as I understand it, Sheamus attacked Elias backstage but framed Jeff Hardy for it, and now Elias wants to fight Jeff. Even though we know for a fact that it was actually Sheamus. Is that right? This has gotta be the stupidest-ever basis for a feud, and I was around in 1995 when Jean-Pierre LaFitte stole Bret Hart's jacket (that his mom supposedly made for him, because moms are good at fashioning leather garments...). At least that feud yielded two really good matches. This isn't gonna be that. Elias stinks and Jeff is beyond irrelevant in 2020. Who gives a turd?
Pick: Jeff wins I guess?
Universal Championship Hell in a Cell: Roman Reigns vs. Jey Uso
This is one of two Cell matches where the challenger has already lost to the champion. So therefore let's have a rematch in the most brutal gimmick structure. Makes sense. Man do I miss the days when Hell in a Cell was about settling a blood feud and not "Hey, it's October again!" Anyone who thinks Jey Uso has a snowball's chance in Guatemala, I have several bridges to sell you. In Guatemala.
Pick: Anyone with brains knows Roman Reigns retains
WWE Championship Hell in a Cell: Drew McIntyre vs. Randy Orton
So lemme get this straight, Drew has beaten Randy twice now on PPV. The second match was an Ambulance Match, a pretty decisive victory for the champion. True Drew had help from all the Legends Orton has attacked over the years, but it's a no disqualification match, so technically still a clean win. So why do I give a tupenny fuck about seeing Orton get a third title shot in the Cell? Why isn't someone else challenging Drew by now? Why is Randy Orton still being pushed this hard in 2020? Why did they end RAW with Drew breaking into the Cell to confront Orton and then immediately go off the air? This company is laughable.
Pick: I actually had Orton winning the previous two matches, and it seems pointless to even do this match if he's not winning here, but just about everything WWE does is pointless. So fuck it, I'll go with Drew.
Smackdown Women's Championship Hell in a Cell: Bayley vs. Sasha Banks
This is the one match where a Cell is somewhat warranted. Though it's only the first real match in the feud, so it really doesn't make much sense at all. HIAC is where feuds go to end, not begin. That said, Sasha is pretty good in these matches; her 2016 Cell against Charlotte was solid and her match with Becky last year was very good. Plus Bayley and Sasha had two of the best matches in NXT history five years ago. So this one has the potential to actually live up to its....well, potential. Bayley's had that title for a long time now so I'm gonna pick Sasha to take it. I hope this headlines the show.
That's all WWE wants you to know about this PPV as of the Wednesday before, so there's your lineup. Can we have an election for new WWE leadership as well?