This Sunday, no wait, SATURDAY is SummerSlam 2021, and we've got ten matches of varying quality to preview!
Welp, after two years we'll finally get to see a SummerSlam take place in front of a live crowd, at a 70,000-seat stadium no less. About half the show looks intriguing, about one quarter of the show looks pretty dull, and the remaining quarter looks like the drizzling shits. Once again WWE has left some great talent on the shelf for the third-biggest show of the year while granting spots to numerous people who don't deserve them. But we'll get to that, don't you worry.
Let's pick some winners....
Alexa Bliss vs. Eva Marie
What in the name of all things holy, THE FUCK, is this piece of shit match doing on a SummerSlam card? Asuka doesn't have a match but these two zeroes do? Don't get me wrong, Alexa can wrestle, but not as this dumbass Fiend continuation. Fuck this storyline, fuck this gimmick, it's pure drivel and I can't believe anyone with a say in this company thinks it's quality television. Hell, I can't believe these two women think it's quality television. I dearly hope this gets bumped to the pre-show.
Pick: Alexa wins because we need to continue having her defecate all over the women's division with hypnotism and scary dolls.
Drew McIntyre vs. Jinder Mahal
Another piece of shit match. Jinder Mahal has a spot on this show but Cesaro, Nakamura and Owens don't. Let that sink in. How the mighty McIntyre has fallen. Dude went from the WWE Title picture for the better part of 18 months to trying to get a good match out of maybe the worst WWE Champion ever. This is gonna suck. Can we at least add Heath Slater so it's a 3MB Triple Threat?
Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. The Mysterios
This feud is still going on? I expect this match will be entertaining but I don't care about this rivalry anymore. If any of the ten announced matches gets bumped to the pre-show I think this is the one. Match should be fine, whatever.
Pick: Usos retain
RAW Tag Team Championship: AJ Styles & Omos vs. RKBro
By contrast I'm actually interested in this match. Riddle and Orton are today's Rock n' Sock Connection, the odd couple babyface tag team where one guy is serious and the other guy is a comedy wrestler who can actually work. AJ and Riddle should have some fun exchanges. RKBro is super over so I fully expect them to get a title run.
US Championship: Sheamus vs. Damien Priest
This should be solid. Priest is one of the few recent NXT call-ups the company genuinely seems to want to push, so he'll come out of this looking strong. Sheamus has been US Champion since 'Mania and has spent most of it squashing "open challenge" guys in non-title bouts. Pretty uneventful title run really.
Pick: Priest wins
RAW Women's Championship: Nikki ASH vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Rhea Ripley
This one could be good if you remove Nikki. Nothing against her as a worker but the character sucks. They gave her a briefcase cash-in win and have treated her as a fluke champion ever since. Fluke champions in wrestling don't ever get over. And yet WWE keeps doing this kinda shit. It's almost like they don't WANT her to get over. I fully expect Nikki to retain and I furthermore expect Ripley to eat the pin since we have to protect Charlotte at all costs.
Pick: Nikki retains
Smackdown Women's Championship: Bianca Belair vs. Sasha Banks
These two stole the show at WrestleMania and I hope they get the chance to do so again here. I really like Bianca's, well, likability and athleticism, and Sasha is one of the best workers in the company. Give these two fifteen minutes and stand back. Taking the title off Bianca here would be counterproductive so I don't think they should do so.
Pick: Bianca retains
Seth Rollins vs. Edge
This would've been my choice for Edge's WrestleMania match. Seth as a heel always reminded me of a young Edge, starting in 2014. He was that rare old-school asshole heel who didn't try to be cool, and just wanted everyone to hate him. This match should be really good. I'm not sure what the point of Edge beating Seth is at this point in his career, but since he's lost both of his Universal Title matches this year I could see them giving him this win as a consolation prize. Seth really needs to drop the messiah gimmick and go back to burning it down.
WWE Championship: Bobby Lashley vs. Bill Goldberg
What a fuckin' joke. Imagine paying a guy who peaked 23 years ago two million dollars annually for a combined six minutes of in-ring work. For the record, Bobbly Lashley is 45 years old and he's NINE YEARS YOUNGER than his challenger. I know, it's not so much age that's the issue; Lashley doesn't look or move like he's 45, but Goldberg does look and move like he's 54. When the WWE Title challenger can't take a proper bump or do his finisher, it's time for him to move the fuck on. Crap like this is why WWE can't draw younger viewers.
Pick: Lashley retains
Universal Championship: Roman Reigns vs. John Cena
I'd be more interested in this match if we didn't already see it four years ago when Cena was still a part-timer. Now Cena is a mostly retired Hollywood star and this just reeks of a movie cash-in. Ironically the promoter who lambasted AEW for still allowing bladejobs is cashing in on John Cena's co-starring role in an R-rated film that is over-the-top horrifically violent and bloody. Hypocrisy, thy surname is McMahon. This match should be good but I could not care less about this feud. Roman is now where Cena was in 2021, and Cena is now where The Rock was. The full-time main event guy should pretty much always beat the guy who left for Hollywood, otherwise you are sending a message that the stars of today are not as good as their predecessors, a point WWE has not been shy about hammering home the last fifteen-or-so years. The question becomes, after Roman disposes of Cena (and he really has to), who steps up to beat Roman? You have built up literally no one to potentially succeed him.
Pick: Roman retains
So yeah, about half this show should be good, sticking with the prevailing SummerSlam trend since they expanded the show to four hours. Some of these matches belong here, some most definitely do not, numerous top-flight stars have been left off the show for the thousandth time. What is it about SummerSlam that this company has so much trouble assembling a great top-to-bottom lineup?
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