Wednesday, July 3, 2024

WWE Money in the Bank 2024 Preview & Predictions

Time for another skimpy five-match B-PPV from WWE that everyone will claim is the greatest piece of "cinema" they've ever seen....

It's another internationally hosted show that's light on star power and outrageously expensive to get a ticket for, WWE Money in the Bank.  The most tired gimmick in WWE gets another go-round, in its 19th year of existence.  Jesus, next year will be the two-decade mark, for a gimmick that's barely ever elevated anyone.  So we have two ladder matches, a World Title match, an Intercontinental Title match that should steal the show, and a trios match to set up one of the weakest SummerSlam main events in recent memory.

Women's Money in the Bank: Iyo Sky vs. Chelsea Green vs. Lyra Valkyria vs. Tiffany Stratton vs. Naomi vs. Zoey Stark

This one could not be more telegraphed given how weak this field is.  Iyo's already won MITB, and of the remaining five women Tiffany is the only future main eventer.  She and Iyo will do some cool spots, but man is this lineup thin.

Pick: Tiffany

Men's Money in the Bank: Jey Uso vs. Carmelo Hayes vs. Andrade vs. Chad Gable vs. LA Knight vs. Drew McIntyre

This field isn't much better.  Jey Uso may call himself "Main Event" but he's a sidekick and always will be.  Andrade, Chad and Knight aren't getting to that next level, they just aren't.  Carmelo still has time to get there but it isn't happening yet.  And that leaves Drew, who will likely not only win this match but probably cash in on Damian later in the night to return the favor from 'Mania, and thus his match with Punk at SummerSlam WILL be for the title, despite Punk's best efforts.  Phil has to be the dumbest babyface in the company for costing Drew the title at Clash and thus ensuring their inevitable match would NOT be a championship one.

Pick: Drew

Intercontinental Championship: Sami Zayn vs. Bron Breakker

This should be the best thing on the show unless they make it a squash.  Breakker really should've been the one to dethrone Gunther at 'Mania but whatever.  This will be very good and will finally elevate the young monster heel.  His name still sucks though.

Pick: Bron

World Championship: Damian Priest vs. Seth Rollins

This should be a very good match as well but let's be honest, it's just here to weaken Damian so Drew can cash in and get back his title.  The winner basically comes down to whether Damian cashes in on this night or later.  If it's on this night, Damian retains, if it's later, I could see Seth winning it.  But I think Damian retains only for Drew to take back the title Damian stole.

Pick: Damian retains

Cody Rhodes/Randy Orton/Kevin Owens vs. The Bloodline

I just....I can't believe this Bloodline shit is gonna go on for another year-plus.  Seriously, it's been four years of this shit now.  Why is this exciting?  The Bloodline is basically just the NWO but better booked and with more discipline.  Solo is leading the Wolfpac offshoot and it will culminate in a Roman-Solo feud which will be boring as shit but do huge business anyway.  Hell, maybe they'll do a Fingerpoke of Doom.  Jesus that match is gonna be a stinker.  And they seriously expect us to believe Solo is a legit threat to Cody's title when his win-loss record is like 1-19?  If AEW did this for their second-biggest show of the year they'd get skewered for it, and you know it.  WWE is popular so therefore everything they do is the right move.  This is why you don't judge art by how much money it makes, unless you actually think Avatar is the greatest film of all time.  Anyway, The Bloodline will be some combination of Solo, Tama, Tanga and Jacob Fatu (Why exactly is he called The Samoan WEREWOLF?  Where does the lycanthrope part come in?), and to give Solo a shred of credibility going into SummerSlam I think they're winning here.

Pick: Bloodline

I know they say you shouldn't yuck another person's yum, but I really need it explained to me like I'm five why WWE's product is considered such good shit.  What's fascinating about these storylines?  We had three years of "Are you loyal to Roman or not?" and now it'll be at least a year of "Is Solo loyal to Roman or not?"  I really don't get it.  This isn't "cinema," it's just "better than the garbage Vince booked."  WWE really is just competently written and produced pop music, while other wrestling companies are actually making art.  To each their own I guess....

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