It's SummerSlam time again, as WWE brings us the 38th annual event, this time spread over two nights so we get even more commercials and video packages! Hoorah!
This year's lineup looks.....okay I guess? There are a handful of promising matches and a handful of not promising matches. I'm betting as usual SummerSlam falls in the 7 out of 10 range, but we'll see.
True to WWE PR form the big media story this week is "AEW bad." Yes, Cody Rhodes, WWE's babyface, who pulls down probably a good $5 million a year in that role, went on The Ringer podcast and pissed and moaned that AEW "disrespected" him and he "wasn't going to stand for it anymore." Keep in mind this was close to four years ago these alleged events took place, they directly led to his returning to WWE as a conquering hero and becoming literally the face of the company, and yet here he is blathering on like a jilted ex-lover, the same way Punk did last year. This shit is just embarrassing; WWE can't ever focus on hyping their own product, they always have to throw shade at their distant number-two competition and pretend to be the underdogs. Fuck's sake, you insufferable sociopaths, your company is literally too big to fail at this point, grow your stupid asses up. Hey Cody, no one who watches AEW in 2025 misses you. Both companies are better off now.
Alright, rant over, let's pick some winners. Side note: SummerSlam has four black wrestlers across 12 matches, for those keeping score. That's above average for them I guess? There are also four women's matches though, so that's progress.
Night 1
Women's Tag Team Championship: Raquel Rodriguez & Roxanne Perez vs. Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss
The company's least meaningful titles are up for grabs here and I'm kinda surprised Charlotte is relegated to this position on the card. This will be.....a match.
Pick: Charlotte and Alexa capture the straps
Sami Zayn vs. Karrion Kross
Sooo, the stip in this match is, if Sami wins, Kross has to say "I was wrong." If Kross wins, Sami has to say "Kross was right?" What in the actual fuck is this? This is the type of wager a pair of eight-year-olds would make. Can we give THIS feud a friendship bracelet to fight over? That would actually raise these stakes. Fuckin' hell. Kross will no doubt do a back bump or two and idiots everywhere will be like "See?? Kross is great because he's now doing the bare minimum of what his job entails!" Hard to believe Sami was the hottest star in the company a couple years ago.
Pick: Sami was right
WWE Women's Championship: Tiffany Stratton vs. Jade Cargill
Yeesh, a pair of gifted athletes who nonetheless can't carry their end of a good singles match. This could be a hot mess. Tiffany couldn't even have a noteworthy contest with Charlotte, one of the most accomplished women's wrestlers in the company, and Jade's best-ever showing was in her final AEW match two years ago. I think Jade probably wins the belt here.
Pick: Jade
Randy Orton & Jelly Roll vs. Drew McIntyre & Logan Paul
Hey remember when all the WWE stans claimed AEW was just like WCW? Also, remember when WCW used to have PPV tag matches featuring non-wrestling celebrities? Good times. What are we even doing here? Jelly fucking Roll?? Outta my face with this shit. What a use of Drew McIntyre, one of the best guys in the entire company, who mostly carried their 2024 "Feud of the Year." Now he gets to lose to an unathletic rapper guy. This is the type of garbage Vince would've booked.
Pick: Randy Roll
Roman Reigns & Jey Uso vs. Bron Breakker & Bronson Reed
So this was obviously supposed to be against Bron and Seth, which would've been a whole lot better, but then Seth got injured, or didn't, who the fuck knows with this Mickey Mouse organization? Seth's injury is allegedly real but apparently a work that even most of the company isn't in on, because as we all learned from Bischoff's WCW, working the boys is always a good idea.... Seth is the Money in the Bank briefcase holder, so it's entirely possible he cashes in on one of the champions before the weekend's out. But all things being equal I'll go with Team Roman to win here. Side note: Boy did Jey Uso's main event run tank quickly, huh? 51 days with the belt and he's back to being Roman's sidekick.
Pick: Roman & Jey
World Championship: Gunther vs. CM Punk
How great would this match have been a few years ago? A creatively motivated Phil Brooks vs. a top-of-his-game WALTER? Goddamn. Anyway, now we have a way-past-his-prime babyface who hasn't sniffed a new idea since returning to WWE vs. a once-great bruiser who's been in WWE so long his matches no longer stand out. I predict Phil will finally win WWE gold for the first time since 2013, as a reward for nuzzling Paul Levesque's and Saudi Arabia's bathing suit parts in public. "But he's matured." Yeah sure thing, I knew he was all growns up in 2022 when he threw a media scrum tantrum and sucker punched his coworkers. It's telling that his "WrestleMania main event" was Night 1 and his first title win since coming back will be the secondary belt.
Pick: Corporate Shill Phil
Night 2
TLC WWE Tag Team Championship: Wyatt Sicks vs. DIY vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Fraxiom vs. Street Profits vs. Andrade & Rey Fénix
I've said this before but six tag teams is too many for a ladder match. Three teams has always been the thing. That said, this should be a fun spectacle at least. Wait a tick though, you mean to tell me you have both Penta and Fénix on your roster at the same time and you chose NOT to team them up for a championship ladder match? Jeezus H. Christ, this company could fuck up peanut butter on toast. I'll pick them anyway I guess.
Pick: The Team That Should Have Been The Lucha Brothers
Intercontinental Championship: Dominik Mysterio vs. AJ Styles
Dominik vs. 2018 AJ would've been a helluva match. This'll just be alright. AJ is no longer the in-ring monster he was, and the company hasn't booked him as terribly important in several years. Dom is the only part of Judgment Day that's still over, so I'll stick with him.
Pick: Dom retains
Women's Intercontinental Championship: Becky Lynch vs. Lyra Valkyria
Jesus, this thing's still going on? These two work well together, so this should be a weekend highlight. The ultimate goal is and should be getting Lyra over, so I think she wins back the title and Becky goes back to being a babyface since she's impossible to hate.
Pick: Lyra
Steel Cage US Championship: Solo Sikoa vs. Jacob Fatu
I had forgotten Jacob already lost the belt after only two months, despite being one of the most over guys at WrestleMania weekend. Peanut butter on toast anyone? So of course the creatively bankrupt Levesque went back to the Bloodline well and had the losing B-team split up into their own B and C factions. Apparently there's No Way Out of this angle.... Gotta have yet another Bloodline WarGames.
Pick: Solo retains
Women's Championship: Naomi vs. IYO Sky vs. Rhea Ripley
Remember that time the women's triple threat absolutely smoked everything else at WrestleMania weekend, and then the retaining champion was barely seen on WWE TV for like three months, and she lost her very next title defense? Un-fucking-real. Anyway this should be another weekend highlight, with two-thirds of that 'Mania match present here. What's Bianca up to, by the way? Naomi isn't quite at Bianca's level but this should be really good. The champion just won this title so I don't see her losing it yet.
Pick: Naomi retains
WWE Championship Street Fight: John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes
The worst and most ill-conceived heel run since Shawn Michaels turned against Hulk Hogan comes to an end twenty SummerSlams after that one. Holy fuckin' jumpin' shitballs, this run has been absolute dog shit. From the worst WrestleMania main event post-COVID to a run of dismal title defenses, John Cena is limping across the finish line of his storied career. The Street Fight format will at least help hide his deficiencies, but imagine trying to upstage the picture perfect Moxley-Hangman Death Match with a sanitized WWE version of it. They really gotta stop doing that. Cody will win back the title and hopefully he hasn't alienated so much of the audience that they're booing him by the end, but you never know. Cena's on his way out so he'll turn babyface again, maybe by the end of this match, and ride off into the sunset in a few months as a beloved icon. Meanwhile the company whose ticket sales in 2025 have been riding on Cena nostalgia won't have anything compelling in the creative tank to maintain that level of interest in 2026. It's gonna be interesting to see.
Pick: Cody
Night 2 actually looks pretty good on paper, the main event will probably end up the worst thing on the show. conversely the Night 1 main event might be the only GOOD match on the show. This two-night format is getting really tiresome and I fear we're just getting started....
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