Friday, September 25, 2015

NFL Pick 'em: Week 3

Points Standings

We're back after a dreadful and weird week two in the NFL. This week's slate of games are UGLY so hopefully we pretty em up, like meeting a beautiful woman in a bar at 7pm and not like picking up a giant pig monster in an alley at midnight.

Dan's Picks:

Atlanta (-2) @ Dallas THE PICK= ATLANTA
With Dallas losing their two biggest playmakers in Romo and Bryant, I have very little faith in their ability to move the chains. Their running game without Demarco Murray this year has been atrocious. I have zero confidence in Brandon Weeden as their new QB. That has nothing to do with his athletic ability. He's just so stupid looking. He's got a very punchable face. That ginger fuck should be a 3rd shift bus driver, not the starting quarterback for the most expensive team in the most expensive league in the world.

He always looks like he just ate bad mayonnaise.

Meanwhile, Matty Ice is a GORGEOUS specimen & he and Julio Jones continue to tear things up on the offensive side of the ball for the Falcons. I don't see that stopping in Dallas this week.

New Orleans @ Carolina (-3) THE PICK= CAROLINA
There are some out there that still believe the Saints to be that much ballyhooed offensive juggernaut they've been since Drew Brees arrived. There are also some out there that think sleeping in a bed adrift in a sea of stranger's urine is a good time (B-Cuddy, I'm looking in your direction). On both counts, those people are wrong. Dead wrong. Brees' arm evidently resembles a frayed rope at this point, and his surrounding players have been anything but dynamic. I don't have much hope that they can turn things around against a defense giving up an average of 13 points a game (sure, it's been against the not too good Jags & Texans, but it's the only samples I have). With the way the Saints offense has been sputtering, I'm shocked that the spread isn't bigger.

Coming off two straight Pats wins in this spot, I'm mixing it up this week. Colin Kaepernick was supposed to be the golden boy out on the golden coast. He has been anything but that. More like golden SHOWER boy, AMIRIGHT!?!?! LOLZ!!!1!! Much like the wild cat offense, Colin's running style has been basically thwarted after defenses have seen it for more than a week. That doesn't bode well for the Niners. AZ's defense has been stellar for this past year and a half. And Carson Palmer has been great whenever he's healthy. Sure, he's due for a an injury at the end of the season per usual, but this is week three, baby. Throw those bombs to Fitzy all day, Car-Car. Keep up the good work, big boy.

Miggsy's Picks

I gotta admit that I’m off to a poor start this year but the season has been a bit of a head scratcher. The Browns, Jaguars, Bucs, Raiders and Redskins all won last week. That’s the first time that has happened EVER!! (Double Exclamation Point) That’s like Dave Moore asking two different white girls on a date and getting yeses. It’s Bananaland. The odds of it happening are so infinitesimal that you just have to tip your cap and move on. (BTW: How were those dates buddy? Not that I’m hoping they did or anything, but if they crashed and burned then I could believe the world is back to normal. Then and only then could I ever be comfortable with my picks this week.)

New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers -3 Pick: PANTHERS
The Saints aren’t very good. They could potentially be without starting QB Drew Brees (rotator cuff). I’m hoping he doesn’t play so we have a pleasure of seeing Lucas of the family McCown. You know the McCowns, right? Oldest brother Joshplays for the Browns (I can’t believe he’s still on a roster). He’s the Troy McClure of the NFL. You might recall him from such teams as the Cardinals, the Lions, the Raiders, the Dolphins, the Panthers, the 49ers, the Bears and the Buccaneers. He even played a year in the now defunct UFL for the Hartford Colonials.

True story: Miggsy and I definitely caught UFL fever when it existed and watched those dreadful games while getting blind drunk on Thursday nights. Yes, we were single.

Then there is middle brother Luke. He’s a bit of an underperformer. He’s only played for five NFL clubs. He’s on his second stint with the Saints and has only completed one pass since 2012. ONE! He’s probably more famous for his stupid Verizon commercial that’s filmed entirely on its side because “the tower wouldn’t fit in the shot” Awful, just awful. Luckily for us, the NFL has wised up to the ineptitude of the McCownboys and has spared us from having to watch the youngest brother, Randy, run for his life. Even if Brees is under center I don’t see New Orleans winning this game. They have fallen off the map since their Super bowl run.

Chicago Bears @ Seattle Seahawks -14.5 Pick: SEAHAWKS
You’re probably asking yourself, -14.5?!?!?! That’s a lot. Yes, -14.5. The bears are a disaster. I wonder who they’ll pick first in next year’s draft? With Cutler and Jeffery most likely sidelined this week and Forte all banged up, that paves the way for James “Jimmy” Clausen (His mamma call him James, Imma call him James) to lead the Bears into a very hostile environment. Clausen has an unbelievable record as a starter, one win and TEN losses. How does he even have a job? Those a Carlo-esquenumbers at Granite (why am I ripping into a friend on the internet that doesn’t even own a computer?). Rotowire has Clausen ranked as the 32nd best QB this week out of 32 teams. There are guys with injuries and backups ranked higher than him. Seattle is hosting his first game at home of the year. Home of the 12s or whatever other pathetic name those fans are calling themselves these days. After a lack luster start, 0-2, you better believe Seattle fans will be amped up for this game. A game they need to win in order to get back on track as a contender in the NFC. Their chances are bolstered this week with the return of strong safety, Kam Chancellor. Seattle claims his absence was caused by a contract dispute but they aren’t fooling me. I believe he was unable to leave the state due to legal troubles, most likely gang or drug related (EDITOR'S NOTE: Yea Miggsy, good work with your completely unsubstantiated and LIBELOUS statements). Hopefully he gets is all cleared up by week 5 when they are on the road again in Cincy. We will have to wait and see if my suspicions are justified.   

Miggy’s Monster Lock of the Week: San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals -6.5 Pick: CARDINALS
The 49ers have announced that they are scaling back the playbook this week. Meaning that dolt, Colin Kaepernick, couldn’t understand the complex plays. You’re kidding me? He looks like the type of lad that would have exceled in school. Their new coach is still feeling things out and history shows that a scrambling quarterback is only effective in the NFL for a short time. Defenses are too fast and can quickly adapt. Arizona’s D is big and fast, a bad combo for Kaepernick. San Fran’s Carlos Hyde is a big bruising back and a good replacement for Frank Gore but they need more production out of him. The Cardinal’s offensive depth has been impressive. I wish we didn’t have to wait until week 15 to see them play Green Bay, the other powerhouse in the NFC. This game has a 24-14 feel to me.

B-Cuddy’s Picks

The Rams laid an egg Sunday. I had another perfect week in the bag. What on earth was I thinking picking a dome team laying points on the road? And as my BOOM pick on top of that?!! SO STUPID! I want to go dig a hole in the woods. My synopsis of that game now looks embarrassing. Plus I wasted a bunch of great Jaws references. NEVER AGAIN! All is not bad though. I’m 5 for 6 so far. And I managed to increase my lead on the other stiffs. I expected more from them. (No I didn’t). Danny only knows 2 things; Drew Bledsoe & Bud Lights. So his handicapping prospects were slim to begin with. However, I thought he’d compete better than this. You see, while he has the motor skills of a turtle on its shell, his interweb searching fingers are lightning fast. He should be wrist deep in football information. I think he’ll shape up as the season progresses. (That shape is round of course).  Miggsy shouldbe a worthy adversary. But right now he couldn’t pick his nose. I don’t know what’s going on in his bald, bulbous, neck-hole stretching head. He better figure it out before he gets left in the dust. On paper, my 3 picks this week look like gimmies. Always dangerous. There’s 0 point potential looming. I’d probably still be in the lead though. On to the picks.

New Orleans @ Carolina (-3.5) – The Pick = CAROLINA
The Saints are in trouble. They are 7-11 since the beginning of last season. Now Brees is banged up. He’ll play, but one hit to that shoulder and he’s done. The offense is sputtering. Their defense always sucks. They just got their asses kicked at home by Tampa Fucking Bay. Their city still smells like a decomposing body. It’s all bad news. For Carolina, they play ugly games. But they win them. It’s always a grind since their offense is so one dimensional. But the defense is always tough. And they always play well against Nawlins. This line would be 3 points higher if Cam-Cam had a legit wide receiver on the team. JPP has better hands than the Panthers receivers. But they’ll lean on Greg Olson and the run game. Panthers win by 10.

Philly @ NY Jets (-2.5) – The Pick = JETS
Puke city right here. Picking the Jets consecutive weeks is gross. They are the week 2 version of the Bills right now. Everyone’s blowing them because they beat up a seriously flawed Colts team. They have a good defense, and that will keep them competitive most games. But the QB is still Ryan Fitzpatrick. So people should calm down. The sample size on Fitzy proves he’s not good. Hey, did you know he went to fuckin Havahd dude? It only gets mentioned always. None of this is a ringing endorsement for the pick, but how do you not take a team against Philly right now? They are TERRIBLE. Sam Bradford has perfected the “deer in the headlights” look in 2 short weeks (EDITOR'S NOTE: And yet Miggsy still has him line up as his starting QB in our fantasy league. Bizarre). Every time he drops back for a pass he shits his pants. DeMarco Murray is already disgruntled and now has a hamstring injury. The up-tempo, run a bunch of plays offense only works when you occasionally get a 1st down. Only giving up 2.5 points makes it too tempting to pass up. Easy money. (Famous last words)

Atlanta (-2) @ Dallas – The Pick = ATLANTA

I’m taking another dome team as a road favorite. DOUBLIN’ DOWN BITCHES! Screw my own warnings. Sometimes you have to just go with your gut. The logic here is simple. Dallas is decimated with injuries. Brandon Weedon will be at QB. Guy was like 37 when he played in college. I’m not the biggest Romo advocate, but he’s leagues better than that fat face backup. No Dez. Maybe no Witten. Just seems like too much to overcome. Looking deeper, Dallas doesn’t have the strongest home field advantage. They are 29-22 in their new stadium. Not great. The spread is low because nobody trusts Atlanta yet. Which is understandable. They have some glaring weaknesses. Their offense is very dependent on Julio Jones. Their run game & defense are both shaky. The Cowboys defense on the other hand appears good. But it’s misleading. They were gifted a victory against the Giants, and then played that shit pile in Philly. Falcons are better than Eagles. Don’t ask me why, bird law isn’t governed by reason in this country. And the Dirty Birds prevail in this one. Atlanta 26, Dallas 17.

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