WWE Backlash France Preview & Predictions

This Saturday WWE brings their annual PPV Backlash to France.  And apparently they don't think all that much of France, because this is kind of a nothing PPV, truth be told.

Thus far only five matches have been announced and while they should all be decent from an in-ring standpoint, there's precious little going on story-wise.  Yet oddly no "Where's the story??" complaints from the WWE faithful.  Weird.  WWE is not surprisingly in a place where they blew their load with WrestleMania and clearly didn't have much planned after that in the short-term.  Without Dwayne and Roman around they don't seem to know what to do with themselves, case in point the mostly, well, *pointless* WWE Draft, wherein 90% or so of those drafted are on the same show they started on, and no one of any real consequence jumped brands.  They're just punting until they can start building for Cody vs. Rock.  It's quite an indictment of their creative vacuum that a 51-year-old whose career peaked during the Clinton administration is the guy their long-term booking is built around.

Anyway let's take a look at this card....

Randy Orton & Kevin Owens vs. Solo Sikoa & Tama Tonga

Sweet Jesus, this Bloodline bullshit won't ever go away, will it?  Now it's down to the C-team for the time being.  No Roman, no Rock, no Jimmy, Jey's doing his own thing, so now we're left with Solo who loses all the time, and the 41-year-old Tama Tonga, whom Eric Bischoff referred to as a "great YOUNG talent," proving that Eric had never heard of the guy before he debuted on Smackdown.  And yet he expects to be taken seriously when he offers AEW booking advice.  Anyway, nothing about this match interests me; Tonga was a solid but usually pretty unremarkable part of NJPW's roster and I can't imagine he'll light this place on fire given WWE's creative limitations.  But if they want The Bloodline to stay relevant till Roman gets back I have to think they win here.  Oh, and Owens is gonna end up eating the pin.

Pick: Solo & Tama

Movie Review: War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

In case you missed them, click HERE for Rise and HERE for Dawn

War for the Planet of the Apes

So, ya know how the third movie in a trilogy is always the weakest one, almost without fail?  That's out the window now.  War for the Planet of the Apes is the best, most poignant, most emotionally engaging film in the series, one that moved me almost to tears several times.  It pays homage to such classics as Apocalypse Now and Bridge on the River Kwai, while spectacularly concluding the trilogy and also providing some of the most breathtaking visuals in the entire series.

Director Matt Reeves and screenwriter Mark Bomback returned for the third installment in which Caesar and his apes must prepare for the inevitable war against a human military force hell-bent on exterminating them.  The human contingent is led by a maniacal Colonel (a fantastic, tortured Woody Harrelson, with a nod to Marlon Brando) who has become so dangerous and bloodthirsty he's begun killing off some of his own men and even using a few traitorous apes to do his bidding.  The Colonel wrongs the ape colony (in ways I won't reveal here), prompting Caesar and three of his lieutenants to seek vengeance while the rest of the apes retreat to a new home across the desert.  The story takes multiple unexpected turns and builds to a spectacular climax, but I'll leave you to discover that for yourself.

Suffice it to say, this film is beautiful, poetic, contemplative, exciting.  Andy Serkis once more delivers a note-perfect, deeply subtle mo-cap performance which transcends the special effects and makes the Caesar character as real as nearly any live-action performance you'll ever see.  Another standout is series newcomer Steve Zahn as Bad Ape, a wonderful character who provides most of the film's laughs but is also heartwrenchingly sad.  Like I said, I found parts of this film deeply moving, and Zahn's performance was one of them.  It's high time the Academy started recognizing motion-capture performances at awards time, even if it's a special category.

The effects team has outdone themselves here; these hyper-intelligent apes look so believable they've somehow dug themselves out of the uncanny valley.  For most of War's running time the analytical part of my brain that notices these things was not on alert.  Caesar and his apes have to be considered the most brilliantly realized CG characters in film history.  I often come down hard on the use of CGI, but Matt Reeves and his creative team have figured out the exact right way to utilize the technology.

War for the Planet of the Apes, like Logan earlier this year, is a film that transcends its genre and provides much more than simple summer popcorn entertainment.  This is a profoundly affecting film that will stick with you long after you leave the theater, and it caps off one of the best trilogies of the past thirty years, amazingly managing to top the first two entries.

I give War for the Planet of the Apes **** out of ****.



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Movie Review: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Note: In case you missed my Rise review, click HERE

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

After his initial spark of genius, Rise director Rupert Wyatt was unable to commit to a sequel on the studio's timetable, and was replaced by Matt Reeves of Cloverfield and Let Me In fame.  While I'd be interested in seeing what Wyatt would've done with a sequel, Reeves proved himself a more sure-footed director, brilliantly handling the larger scope of the second (and third) film.

Set ten years after Rise, Dawn begins by showing us the effects of the super-virus Will Rodman accidentally unleashed.  The human population has been decimated, with only a fraction being naturally immune to the disease.  The apes meanwhile have created their own civilization in the redwood forest.  Caesar, now a full adult with a wife and son, has become the apes' exalted, compassionate leader.  After a run-in with a team of human scouts, a power struggle develops between Caesar and another ape called Koba, who still harbors deep hatred of humans for his mistreatment in their labs.  The humans have set up a colony in the city and need access to a hydroelectric dam within the apes' domain so they can restore power.  A very uneasy truce is formed, and Caesar gradually bonds with a few of the humans - Malcolm, his son Alexander, and his second wife Ellie.  But Koba can't accept peace and he engineers a coup, shooting Caesar and framing the humans as an excuse to attack their compound.  Koba and the apes take over the city while Malcolm helps nurse Caesar back to health.  Eventually a violent showdown ensues between the two apes, and Caesar comes to realize that a human-ape war is now unavoidable.

That this synopsis creates so many potential pitfalls but manages to avoid every one of them is nothing short of miraculous.  Dawn could have easily devolved into a trite, manipulative "apes good, humans bad" story, but the script is so deftly written we are able to understand and empathize with the point of view of every major character.  More than that, it establishes parallels between the apes and the humans, illustrating the similarities of the two species.  Caesar is delicately trying to balance his own desire for a peaceful coexistence with his need to protect his race, and Malcolm feels the same way, understanding that the apes are intelligent, reasonable creatures.  On the other side of each coin, Koba is a severely damaged character who is now defined by his hatred of humanity, while the human leader Dreyfus (an always compelling Gary Oldman) is prepared for a violent showdown and will preserve the human race at all costs.  This creates a fascinating parable of sociopolitics and once again the characters and their motivations are front-and-center, while the action sequences are a byproduct.  I also love that the first act of the film contains very little dialogue; the apes communicate primarily through sign language.  As summer blockbusters go, Dawn is a stunningly quiet film.

Dawn takes the incredible dramatic foundation of the Caesar character and expands on it, showing us his maturity and courage as a leader and father but also the violence of which he is capable when wronged.  Koba has also become an amazingly realized, three-dimensional villain, who deeply respects Caesar but whose anger has swallowed him whole and turned him into a monster.  This installment also improves on the original in terms of the human characters; Jason Clarke as Malcolm delivers a heartfelt, relatable performance as a man clinging desperately to the last vestiges of human compassion, wanting above all to reach a peaceful understanding with Caesar.  Gary Oldman plays Dreyfus as an uncertain military leader, a broken man who has lost everything and refuses to let humanity perish on his watch.  These are all well fleshed-out, fascinating personae with believable and understandable motivations, and the film resists the urge to become a sweeping action epic, preferring instead to stay close and intimate with its central characters.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is a significant improvement over its impressive predecessor that further fleshes out the Caesar character and his place in this society, while also providing more substantial human characters for him and the other apes to play against.  Matt Reeves' direction is confident and thoughtful, while the pensive, thematic script by Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver defies expectations, grounding the events in complex social and political commentary.  This is how you do a summer sci-fi film.

I give Dawn of the Planet of the Apes **** out of ****.


Click here for the War review

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Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Well color me shocked.  When I first learned Hollywood was rebooting the Planet of the Apes franchise I groaned, loudly.  Tim Burton's 2001 PotA remake, while boasting incredible makeup effects and a couple decent performances, was largely a disappointing, drivelous mess with a nonsencial reimagining of the original's famous twist ending.  I thought, "Why in the name of all things holy, THE FUCK, do we need more of these movies??"  So I skipped Rise of the Planet of the Apes when it was released.  Then surprisingly I began to hear some pretty great buzz about it, particularly centered on Andy Serkis's motion-capture performance as the main character Caesar.  But I never got around to watching it, and when the sequel Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was released in 2014 I read similarly complimentary things about that film and said to myself, "Justin" I said, "You should get your ass to a TV and watch these movies."  But I still never got around to it.  Finally with the announcement of the third movie War for the Planet of the Apes I said, "Goddammit, just fuckin' DO IT!"

So I did.  And here's what I thought of them, starting with Rise.  Stay tuned for the Dawn and War reviews coming soon....

**Note: I've included SPOILERS for the first two films but not the third**

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes drew me in almost immediately with the Frankenstein-esque theme of tampering with nature, as well as family loyalty and the exploitation of animals.  Here was a summer "action" film with hardly any action, but a thoughtful focus on the aforementioned concepts and a deeply explored character arc.  Director Rupert Wyatt took the original premise and asked the question "How might we have gotten there?"  Rise presents a practical, real-world explanation of how the Earth could believably be taken over by hyper-intelligent simians, in the same way Batman Begins explored how a man might take to dressing like a giant bat to fight crime (Wyatt himself made that connection in interviews and I happen to agree with him).

This refreshingly small-scope narrative introduces Will Rodman, a promising scientist (James Franco in a solid if unspectacular performance), who experiments on chimps with a powerful Alzheimer's drug, driven by a very personal motivation (His father suffers from the disease).  Rodman secretly adopts a baby chimp whose mother passed onto him the effects of the drug, naming him Caesar.  Caesar shows incredible intelligence at an early age, but as with all domesticated simians, becomes increasingly difficult to control as he matures.  A violent incident with a neighbor leads to Caesar being sent to an ape sanctuary run by a cruel father-son team, and Caesar becomes a hardened alpha-male, taking over the shelter, learning how to escape, and exposing the other apes to the intelligence-augmenting drug.  This builds to a sensational battle between the super-apes and the authorities, leading to Caesar's army setting up a new civilization in the redwood forest.  Meanwhile the Alzheimer's drug has created a deadly super virus in humans that begins to spread worldwide.

While the human performances in Rise are passably effective, the driving force in the film is Andy Serkis's groundbreaking work as Caesar.  As with his turn as Gollum in Lord of the Rings, Serkis is a revelation here, conveying entirely through facial/body language (and what he calls "digital makeup)" amazingly subtle, tangibly real emotional nuances.  Here is an Oscar-worthy performance with almost no dialogue; we feel every moment of Caesar's growth, suffering, loneliness, and finally triumph.  Had this aspect of the film not delivered, Rise would have fallen apart in a heartbeat.  But both Serkis's acting and the amazingly realistic CG rendering are so effective you forget you're watching an animated character (a phenomenon even more prevalent in the sequels).  And Serkis was just getting warmed up...

I give Rise of the Planet of the Apes ***1/2 out of ****.


Click here for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (posted 7/26/17)

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Top Ten Things: Opening PPV Matches

Welcome to yet another Top Ten Things, here at Enuffa.com!

With AEW Dynasty in the books and the fantastic match that kicked off that show, I got to thinking about my favorite PPV opening matches over the last 35 years or so.  I eventually narrowed it down to 25, and in a fairly agonizing process, managed to pick my favorites.  Like a killer opening song on an album, a great opening match can instantly grab your attention and set the tone for the rest of the evening.  It gets the live crowd excited, which in turn lends more energy to the rest of the PPV.  The quality of the opening bout can leave almost as big an impression as that of the main event; if a show starts well and ends well you tend to remember it as a damn fine show (I do anyway), even if the stuff in the middle isn't so hot.  At the very least a great opening match makes me want to watch the show a second time.  Most PPVs tend to feature shorter bouts to kick things off, but every so often the first match either steals the show outright or comes pretty damn close.  Here are ten such examples.....

HM: AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon - WrestleMania 33

The main card of the 2017 edition of WrestleMania kicked off with a match I wasn't at all happy about.  AJ Styles, by far the most accomplished star in the company over the previous 14 months, was saddled fighting Vince's son instead of tearing it up with someone of his caliber.  But I'll be damned if it wasn't incredibly entertaining.  AJ was amazing as usual, and Shane had his working shoes on just trying to keep up.  Many of the spots were over-the-top, including Shane countering AJ's 450 splash into a triangle choke, Shane missing a Shooting Star Press, AJ trying the Van Terminator but running into a trash can, and Shane doing his own Van Terminator.  AJ finally took the win after hitting the Phenomenal Forearm, capping off what was shockingly the best match of the night.  This match proved that AJ Styles could have a good match with anyone, and also earned AJ the company's permanent stamp of approval.

HM: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler - Bragging Rights 2010

Probably D-Bryan's first true standout match in WWE was this sleeper hit to kick off the second and final Bragging Rights PPV.  By far the best match on the show, this US Champ vs. IC Champ bout allowed Bryan to show off his technical prowess against an opponent who could hang with him move-for-move.  This see-saw match went a thrilling 16 minutes, including a false finish where Ziggler seemed to have won the match but Bryan's foot was on the rope, before Bryan tapped Ziggler out with the LeBell Lock.  The pair followed it up with an equally good rematch the next night on RAW.  At year's end, WWE cited this as one of the best matches of 2010, ranking it second (I believe) only to Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker.  This was the first instance of the company openly showing appreciation for Bryan's abilities.

10. Brian Pillman vs. Jushin Thunder Liger - SuperBrawl II

The second SuperBrawl PPV, the best in the series, had the show stolen by this groundbreaking opening contest for the newly minted WCW Light Heavyweight Title.  This 17-minute bout was full of great false finishes and big high spots, demonstrating this wonderful alternative to the norm known as cruiserweight wrestling and showcasing a style of wrestling North American fans weren't yet accustomed to.  Pillman won with a bridging leg cradle after Liger missed a top-rope splash, regaining the short-lived championship.  While Jr.-style wrestling wouldn't catch on for a few more years, this match served as one of the templates.

Top Ten Things: He-Man Action Figures

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Things, here at Enuffa.com!  I hope you're ready for some serious nerd nostalgia, because thanks to the fantastic new Netflix series The Toys That Made Us, I have 1980s action figures on the brain.

One episode of said TV series focused on the wonderful 80s toy line known as He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.  Anyone who grew up in that era remembers these larger-than-life figures with impossible musculatures, colorful appearances, pun-driven names, and bizarre quirks/powers.  The first time I saw the original He-Man commercial my brain almost exploded.  These figures looked nothing like any other action figures available at the time.  The characters were so vibrant and otherworldly you couldn't take your eyes off them.  Mattel hit one out of the park with this toy line, scoring record-breaking numbers four or five years in a row, and consistently introducing new series of memorable characters year after year.  A side note: this toy line introduced me to the concept of recycled molds.  Pretty much every figure had the exact same torso mold and initially there were only three sets of arms and legs.  Even as a seven-year-old I noticed this.  But it didn't matter, these toys fucking rocked my nuts off.  A syndicated tie-in cartoon show proved invaluable for selling MOTU figures and for a little while He-Man ruled the action figure market, spawning numerous ripoff lines, my favorite of which were the Remco figures based on obscure DC Comics characters like Warlord and Arak (They even had a disclaimer on the package: For Use with Masters of the Universe action figures).  I was so goddamn excited a few years ago when they re-released essentially the original MOTU figures, and I scooped a bunch of 'em up again.  For my son to play with.  Yeah, that's it.....

Note: Once I got really into wrestling, the He-Man line doubled as my wrestling toys, since they were the perfect size for the WWF toy ring.  Shut up, you did it too....

But which characters were my favorites?  Which of these silly fantasy barbarian toys have stuck with me three-plus decades later?  Let's take a look.....

10. King Hiss

This absurdly over-the-top figure was like He-Man meets Transformers, and the leader of The Snake Men or whatever they were called (an older character named Kobra Khan joined up with this villainous stable as well, like in a pro wrestling angle).  King Hiss looked like a human wearing snake-like armor, but pop off his arm and torso coverings, and GAAAAH, HE'S LITERALLY A GODDAMN SNAKE-MAN!!!  His actual upper body was comprised entirely of snakes (oddly his legs were still humanoid though), creepy enough to unnerve even his fellow bad guys.  I spent so much time transforming this guy from man to snake-man and it was a fairly ingenious gimmick.

9. Faker

On paper this has to be the stupidest toy ever.  An evil robot that's supposed to be a dead ringer for He-Man, except he has blue skin, Skeletor-style armor, and a visible tape recorder in his chest (courtesy of a sticker).  The idea is that Skeletor built this droid to infiltrate the good guy lair and pimp He-Man's friends for information.  Skeletor must think Team He-Man are either legally blind or just absolute fucking morons.  Who would fall for this trap??  "Whoa, He-Man, you're looking a little pekid, maybe have a nice lie down and some soup?  By the way, here are those Grayskull blueprints you asked for...."  Added to that, Faker was an appallingly flagrant cannibalization of an existing toy, just to sell more toys.  You gotta marvel at Mattel's balls, man.  Regardless of how illogical this character was, the toy looked awesome.

8. Mer-Man/Stinkor

Speaking of blatant mold recycling, in 1984 Mattel took one of the original characters, Mer-Man, painted him black & white, doused him in some kinda putrid-smelling chemical, and repackaged him as a skunk-like character named Stinkor.  Nevermind that a skunk-man wouldn't have webbed feet or fin-like ears, this guy looked boss.  And his armor covered his nose and mouth, implying he smelled so bad even HE couldn't stand it!  I loved the black, white, red and orange color scheme, and the stinky gimmick was brilliant.  Think about it - Mattel got us to buy an action figure that smelled like a goddamn skunk.  Either we're all suckers or Mattel are a buncha Jedi Masters who can bend everyone to their will.  The smell eventually wore off, but Stinkor remained one of my all-time favorite characters.

As for Mer-Man, this mold was much more appropriate for an undersea creature, and his scaly armor looked killer.  It did always bug me that his face looked nothing like the cartoon, comics or even the picture on the back of the packaging!  Also they originally were going to call him Sea Man, but changed it for obvious reasons.  Can you imagine one of the heroes saying "Oh no!  Sea Man is all over our base!  Why is Sea Man so hard to get our hands on?   I feel all slimy now that I've touched Sea Man!"

AEW Dynasty 2024 Review: Swerve is the Champ, Ospreay is Superman, Danielson is the GOAT

Jesus, what a show.  AEW hit yet another PPV homerun with their lastest offering Dynasty, which featured a big title change in the main event that should take the company in a fresh new direction, an absolutely chaotic tag team ladder match with a perfectly booked surprise return, and the match most folks are buzzing about, a dream match that turned out to be one of the best bouts you'll ever see on American soil.

The big long-term news is of course the long-awaited coronation of Swerve Strickland as AEW's first African-American World Champion.  Swerve and Samoa Joe were put in an unenviable position following the two best matches of the night, but worked hard to deliver a worthy main event that should serve as one of the company's most historic moments.  Joe played the role of 90s Vader, dominating Swerve for much of the match.  Early in the match Swerve went to the turnbuckles and faked a dive, having Joe's casual dodge move scouted, and the two wound up outside, where Joe slammed Swerve into the announce table, removed some ringside padding and powerslammed him onto the exposed floor.  Joe tried to clothesline Swerve against the ring post but Swerve moved and Joe wrapped his arm around it.  Swerve then targeted the arm, at one point doing his signature arm snap, and later wrenching Joe's weakened arm from around his neck to escape the Coquina Clutch.  Joe hit a Muscle Buster for a close two-count, and Swerve hit the House Call and Swerve Stomp for a nearfall of his own.  They ended up on the top rope where Swerve seemed to go for a Swerve Stomp from there, but missed and had to adjust midair, quickly powerbombed Joe to the mat, and hit another Swerve Stomp to win the title.  It's a pity the intended high spot didn't work, as the finish felt a bit flatter than it should have.  But this was a very good, if slightly underwhelming, main event and the crowning of a major new main event star.  ***3/4

AEW Dynasty 2024 Preview & Predictions

Hey remember a month ago how I said I'd be shocked if any PPV topped AEW Revolution this year?  Apparently AEW's response to that was "Hold my fuckin' beer."  Jeezus, what a lineup this is.

The inaugural AEW Dynasty PPV is upon us, and on paper it's a card for the ages.  A potential all-time dream match, a probable historic coronation of the company's hottest babyface, a monster title defense for Okada, a blowaway ladder match, and a slew of strong undercard bouts.  And there are still a ton of key people not even on the show.  This oughta be sick.

Zero Hour AEW/ROH Trios Championship: The Acclaimed & Billy Gunn vs. Bullet Club Gold

I will say, thank Christ this feud is coming to an end; it's been going on in some form for at least four months and it was never all that exciting.  I really hope the plan is to unify these two sets of titles because having two sets of trios belts is just silly.  Yes they're technically for different promotions, but BCG has been on AEW television way more than they've been on the brand they're supposed to be representing.  Let's pare down these championships huh (That goes for you too, WWE)?  Anyway, it's time for The Acclaimed to drop their titles, as they've barely defended these damn things since winning them at All In(!?).  Jay White and friends get the duke here and hopefully move on to another trio they can have a more heated feud with.

Pick: Bullet Club Gold

Adam Copeland, Eddie Kingston & Mark Briscoe vs. House of Black

Speaking of trios, this one should be a lot of fun.  Cope and his allies have been stymied by HOB for several weeks and it's time for them to come together and vanquish their common enemies.  Team Cope has two current champions in Adam and Mark, so I think they're winning this.

Pick: Cope, Eddie and Mark

Top Ten Things: Obscure 1980s Toys

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Things, here at Enuffa.com!  Today I'm thinkin' about old toys I wish I still had.  Because apparently I'm eleven.

The 1980s was an amazing era to be a kid.  We children of the 80s were treated to some of the most badassistic (Yeah I made up a word) action figure lines ever offered up.  Think about it, in the same decade we had Star Wars toys, He-Man, Transformers, and GI Joe (plus the short-lived DC Super Powers and Marvel Secret Wars), and those are just a handful of the toy lines that were hits!  We also had a fuckton of action figure series that were either short-lived or outright flopped, and those are the ones I'm here to talk about today.  I got to thinking about some of the more obscure toys I had as a kid and the list just kept growing on me.  Some of them I had trouble finding on Google because the name escaped me, but eventually I found 'em all.  Not only does this piece feature a top ten but I've included three Honorable Mentions.  So, strap on your nerd hats and join me for a look back at some of the best obscure toys of the 80s!

HM: Karate Kid (Remco)

Yeah this set came with giant chopsticks to catch a giant rubber fly.

From the hit 1984 film Rocky But With Karate, these stupid, one-note toys had some inexplicable charm to them.  Literally the only two characters I ever found were Daniel-san and Mr. Miyagi (apparently Johnny, Kreese and others were available later on), but each figure had one arm and one leg that were spring-loaded, so when you pushed a button they would either chop or kick.  This one set I got came with both characters and a litany of structures for them to chop through or break.  Wooden boards, ice, brick walls, this coat rack-lookin' thing, you name it.  Destroying fake wood with these figures was stupid fun.

HM: Clash of the Titans (Mattel)

They released the first wave and then they RELEASED THE KRRRAKEN!

What a promising line this was, until it wasn't.  The wonderful 1981 fantasy film Clash of the Titans had so many colorful characters and creatures that lent themselves to toy designs, in the same way the Star Wars trilogy did.  The first (and thanks to poor sales, only) series included Perseus (a fantastic Harry Hamlin likeness), his buddy Thallo, Calibos, and for some reason Charon the ferryman (who only appears in the film for like four seconds), plus a Pegasus toy (with zero points of articulation) and a huge Kraken (who looked boss).  Insanely the coolest looking character in the movie, Medusa, never got a toy, but maybe she, Andromeda and some of the Greek gods would've been included in series 2.  Regardless, these were solid toys that deserved a better run.

HM: Raiders of the Lost Ark (Kenner)/Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (LJN)

This is one of my favorite films, but what are you supposed to do with these?

Two different toy companies tried to make "fetch" happen in the 80s with Indiana Jones.  When Raiders of the Lost Ark came out it was a no-brainer that Kenner, fresh off its colossal success with the Star Wars line, would introduce a similar-in-scale line of Indy toys.  Only problem was, beyond the main character no one else in that movie does a whole lot that lends itself to action figure play.  Indy does all the heavy lifting.  What are you supposed to do with Marion in a removable evening gown, or the black-clad swordsman whom Indy shoots like a dog in the street?  Or Belloq or Toht or Col. Dietrich, who are all excellent baddies in the film but have no action sequences to speak of?  The one character Indy has a fistfight with is the nameless bald German mechanic, but that'd keep you busy for what, five minutes?  It's a shame, these were good looking toys for the time, but aside from Indy himself there wasn't much you could do with 'em.  Even the few playsets they had were pointless (more on that HERE).

Damn good detail on these but again, what do I do with 'em?

Then in 1984 LJN tried their hand with 5-inch figures for Temple of Doom, releasing five characters but running into the same problem.  Playing with these toys was all about Indy performing daring stunts and escapes.  Beyond that you're stuck.  Thus when The Last Crusade came out, no one even bothered with a toy line.  'Twas a pity. 


Okay now for the meat of the list....

Top Ten Things: WORST WWF Wrestling Superstars LJN Toys

Welcome back!  Alright, now that we've counted down the ten best LJN Wrestling Superstars toys, let's look at some that didn't make the grade.  Ones that either looked like absolute shite or that served zero purpose when you were trying to put together a pretend wrestling match (a phrase I know is technically redundant).  Some of these damn toys just hurt my brain and I don't know what LJN was thinking when they created the molds.  Here we go.... 

10. Warlord

Alright, you might be asking why Warlord is on this list when a) the toy looks quite a lot like him and b) he's got a decent pose for doing wrestling moves.  This toy pissed me off to no end for one reason: WHERE THE FUCK ARE HIS PANTS???  The Warlord as of 1989 wore long tights, ALWAYS.  So why the goddamn hell is he wearing little Speedo trunks on this toy?  Did no one at LJN bother to look at even a single a picture of this guy that extended below his waist?  Not only that, he's missing kneepads.  Do just a cursory bit of homework and this toy becomes one of the best in the line.  But because of pure fucking laziness, he's relegated to the bottom of the pile.  Also, where the hell was Barbarian??

Likeness - 7
Playability - 7
Total - 14

9. Iron Sheik

This is another one that looks vaguely like the real guy but in a very superficial way.  If you look closely, the facial features don't particularly resemble the Iron Sheik at all.  Again, I feel like they based this sculpt on the cartoon show instead of the actual human.  So this one gets a middling score there.  And his pose kinda sucked.  He's doing the vaudville strongman pose, which was okay for headlocks, clotheslines and maybe a suplex, but it was absolutely impossible to do Sheik's finishing move, the Camel Clutch.  If you can't do the guy's finisher that subtracts significant points.  Pretty lame, LJN.

Likeness - 5
Playability - 5
Total - 10

8. Paul Orndorff

What the hell were the sculpting team smoking when they made the Orndorff figure?  He's got a gigantic, malformed head, he's impossibly jacked, and he's missing kneepads.  Clearly this mold was done by the same guy that did Greg Valentine's, because this is one of the most unpleasant-looking action figures ever made.  This is what Paul Ordorff would look like if someone parked a bus on his face.  Not to mention, the physique they gave him is more Arnold than Orndorff, who was quite buff but not bodybuilder huge.  As far as playability though, he scores fairly high since his arm flexing was conducive to clotheslines and elbows, plus you could do a press slam or a Torture Rack.  But Christ, what an awful-looking toy.

Likeness - 3
Playability - 7
Total - 10

Top Ten Things: WWF Wrestling Superstars LJN Toys

Welcome to a special two-part edition of Top Ten Things, here at Enuffa.com!

Today I have not one but TWO lists for you, and they're opposite sides of the same coin.  Back in the 80s we wrestling fans had very limited options as far as the available toys with which to recreate our favorite in-ring matches and rivalries.  In 1985 Remco (makers of the fabulous He-Man knockoff toys based on obscure DC Comics characters like Warlord and Arak) unveiled a modest series of AWA action figures (plus Ric Flair) and a cardboard ring for the action to take place in.  These toys were quite functional but sadly also very generic, being made from essentially the same body mold.  As I got older I came to value poseability over visual aesthetics, and along with my vast collection of He-Man guys the Remco figures became my primary wrestling toys.  Man did I run a helluva Federation.  But I'm getting ahead of myself....

Also in 1985 the WWF got into the action figure game, releasing a colorful, oversized line of LJN toys called Wrestling Superstars.  These massive hunks of rubber had zero points of articulation, paint that would rub off in literally minutes, in some cases questionable-at-best resemblance to their real-life counterparts, and were easily capable of inflicting blunt force trauma to a person's skull.  They were so heavy and dense the accompanying toy ring couldn't handle the stress of play and would routinely crack; my ring had to be replaced less than a year after I got it.  But if you were an eleven-year-old, new pro wrestling fan like me, goddamn these toys ruled.  They were unlike any action figures out there; at eight inches tall they dwarfed all other figures on the market besides the unwieldy 12-inch dolls that had long since become obsolete.  With a roster of memorable, larger-than-life characters to model the toys after, LJN had no shortage of eye-catching products to offer.  The sucky thing about these toys was their rather hefty price tag for the time.  These fuckers cost a good 8 bucks a pop, which for my age was way too much to easily collect them.  Thus my early matchmaking abilities were limited; when I first began accumulating these toys at the end of 1986 I only had three figures, all babyface characters.  The hell am I supposed to do with that?

Anyway, while some of these toys were very playable thanks to well-chosen poses and slight flexibility in the rubber, others were not so much.  Likewise, while some figures carried quite serviceable likenesses to the actual people they represented, others looked like barely-formed humanoid blobs.  I noticed a trend at the time - certain character molds seemed to be done by the same person, and that guy was terrible at capturing realistic facial features, plus all the toys this guy worked on had gigantic nipples for some reason.  Go back and look at the figures for Greg Valentine, Paul Orndorff, Brutus Beefcake and a few others.  The faces look awful and the nips are like the Capitol building dome.

So here's where these lists come in.  I've compiled the ten best and worst LJN figures, based on a combination of likeness accuracy and playability.  I'm trying to keep it as fair as possible, since some figures looked great but were useless to play with, and some had perfect wrestler poses but looked like Sloth from The Goonies.  This being an era long before computer-scanned faces I'll go fairly easy on the likeness ratings, and the playability will be somewhat determined by each wrestler's moveset.  I'll give you the ten best ones today and the ten worst in Part 2.  Let's get to it.....

10. Ricky Steamboat

The Steamboat figure had a pretty detailed face/hair sculpt and a lean, defined body type that more or less matched the real guy.  The resemblance wasn't exactly uncanny but it vaguely looked like Steamboat.  The arms were posed in a way that body slams and suplexes were possible, and his hands were open which lent itself to Steamboat's chops.  This toy was a solid bit of work from LJN.

Likeness - 7
Playability - 7
Total - 14

9. Greg Valentine

Valentine's toy was one of the uglier in the series, with a face like a mean old lady and bright yellow hair like banana ice cream.  Then again, Greg Valentine was always rather homely, so the rough sculpt kinda fit.  This was one of the toys in the series that looked like the sculptor either worked solely from memory or forgot to put on his glasses.  It's a vague representation of Greg Valentine that kinda sorta captures his essence, but by no means is it true to life.  Like at all.  But what this figure lacked in realism it made up for in utility.  Valentine was posed perfectly for slams, suplexes, and most of all, that signature Valentine elbow drop.  You couldn't do the Figure Four, but then again I've never seen a wrestling figure that could.  This one scores quite well on playability.

Likeness - 6
Playability - 8
Total - 14

8. Hart Foundation

Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart were more often than not sold as a team, so I'm including them as one entry.  These guys looked quite a bit like the real people and the sculpts captured their body types pretty realistically.  The ring attire looked pretty much just like the Harts' actual gear.  My only issue aesthetically, and this was true for a lot of these toys, is that Bret is wearing his sunglasses, which of course he never wore while wrestling.  As far as their respective poses, they were vaguely configured to do wrestling moves.  Bret's arms were partly outstretched to do clotheslines and slams, while Neidhart could easily do a powerslam (though I'm not sure why the fingers of his right hand are spread out).  These two toys looked good and could get you through a match.

Likeness - 8
Playability - 6
Total - 14

Top Ten Things: WrestleMania Main Events, Part 5 (#10-1)

Alright, now it's time for the really good shit.  The all-time great shit.  Such good shit.  

Click here for Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4

10. Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns (vs. Seth Rollins) - WrestleMania 31

Maybe the most unexpectedly great WrestleMania main event took place at the 2015 edition, as the reviled babyface Roman Reigns challenged the unstoppable Mayor of Suplex City (a phrase he coined during this match), Brock Lesnar.  Brock had decimated John Cena for the WWE Championship at the previous SummerSlam, allowing almost no offense during their 16-minute squash, and then all but disappeared with the title for most of the next six months.  At the 2015 Royal Rumble Brock, Cena and Seth Rollins had a spectacular Triple Threat match, where Brock turned back both challengers in dominant fashion.  Enter Reigns, the company's handpicked "it" guy, with whom the fans wanted nothing to do.  Reigns won the Rumble match that night to earn his WrestleMania spot, but was booed unmercifully, and this main event had all the markings of a dud; an absentee heel champion vs. an unliked babyface challenger.  But the match ended up being an exercise in brutality as these two monsters beat the piss out of each other.  Brock took a legit headbutt to the ring post which opened a huge gash on his forehead, while Reigns got suplexed into oblivion and kept getting up.  But the most memorable thing about the match was the unique finish, as Seth Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase mid-match, curb stomping Brock, attempting a second stomp that was countered into an F5 attempt that was thwarted by a Reigns spear, and then curb stomping Reigns to win the match and the WWE Title.  The Santa Clara crowd exploded at the surprise finish and Rollins stood tall, swinging the strap over his head as Michael Cole dubbed the title change "The Heist of the Century."  Thus began Seth Rollins' excellent run as the company's top heel.

9. Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels - WrestleMania XII

The longest match in WrestleMania history, and thus far the only Iron Man match at this event, pitted the company's top two babyfaces against each other in an unprecedented athletic display.  Bret Hart was the veteran technician, while Shawn Michaels was the charismatic upstart.  Planned as the first part of a trilogy of bouts designed as a torch passing, this match played out as an old-school grappling contest for much of the first half.  Shawn stymied the champion with an expected ground game, while Bret grew increasingly frustrated and employed some heelish tactics.  The second half picked up, with much more high-risk offense, but neither man could gain a pinfall.  In the closing moments Shawn went for a dropkick but Bret countered into a Sharpshooter.  Shawn withstood the pain for nearly a full minute as the clock ran down to zero, leaving the match a time limit draw.  But WWF President Gorilla Monsoon ordered the match restarted under sudden death rules, much to Bret's chagrin.  The angry champion attacked Shawn's weakened legs, but Shawn answered with a pair of superkicks to win the title and start off his main event run.  Given its slow pace and frequent lack of crowd heat, this bout hasn't aged as well as one would think, but it does stand as a singular achievement in WWE lore - a mostly pure scientific marathon between two of the company's all-time best.

NJPW Windy City Riot 2024 Preview & Predictions

As if there wasn't enough wrestling last weekend, we have yet ANOTHER PPV this Friday, namely NJPW's Windy City Riot!

Unlke a lot of recent NJPW shows, this one looks pretty stacked from top to bottom, thanks in large part due to some special attraction-type names on the card.  This one is a good mix of the New Japan full-timers and a handful of North American guest stars, and some of what happens here could play into the eventual lineup for Forbidden Door in June.  Let's get after it....

Minoru Suzuki vs. Ren Narita

It's the grizzled old sadist vs. the young upstart rulebreaker.  This could be good if there isn't too much House of Torture nonsense but it could also be yet another annoying clusterfuck of ref bumps and run-ins.  Either way I think Narita probably steals a win.

Pick: Narita

Hiromu Takahashi vs. Mustafa Ali

Here's a pretty exciting NJPW vs. TNA matchup, pitting the top star of the Jr. Heavyweight division facing off against TNA's current X-Division Champion.  This should be a pretty blazing contest and I'm very intrigued to see Mustafa outside of WWE (this will be my first time).  I imagine Mustafa will be protected as the current title holder, while Hiromu can withstand a loss.

Pick: Mustafa

Oscar Film Journal: In Old Arizona (1928)

Back with another entry in the Oscar Film Journal - can't stop, won't stop.  I'm almost at the halfway mark!

Today I'll be reviewing another early talkie, the 1928 Best Picture nominee In Old Arizona, based on one of O. Henry's Cisco Kid stories.  This particular tale involves an Army Sergeant who's been assigned to capture the Cisco Kid dead or alive, after the Kid robs a stagecoach.  The Kid's girlfriend Tonia Maria, who's been seeing numerous other men behind his back, gets involved with the Sergeant, who promises her the reward money if she helps him and runs to New York with him.  And well, that's kinda the plot.

For a Western film this movie plays out much more like a domestic drama, with very few scenes befitting the Western genre.  We witness the coach robbery, and later there's a brief shootout as some local cowboys try to ambush the Kid.  But the rest of the movie consists of drawn-out dialogue scenes, none of which is particularly gripping unfortunately.  The best exchange involves a barber lamenting that the money he'd sent to his mother was stolen in the coach heist.  Unbeknownst to him his customer is the Kid himself, who pledges to tip him the money he lost, from his nearby gold claim.  

WWE WrestleMania XL Review: Cody Finishes The Story

WWE WrestleMania XL (yay for the return of enumerations) is in the books and was overall a pretty unequivocal success.  In many ways it felt like the usual bloated WWE production but they also included indications that the company is actually evolving.  The biggest story coming out of it was of course The Story, Cody Rhodes' seemingly neverending quest for the title.  And while I still feel they should've pulled the trigger on his win last year, Cody was presented as a massive star poised to lead WWE into this new era.  

Amazingly Night 2 was the better night, for the first time since WWE expanded the show.  Night 1 was a solid piece of work, with a pair of ****+ matches and a main event that, while it went about twice as long as it should have, featured memorable moments and storytelling.  Both nights could've been trimmed down time-wise but the time management wasn't as bad as it had been under Vince at least.  Night 2 especially felt pretty concise and I was pleasantly surprised there was only a 25-minute gap between the end of the semi-main and the opening bell of the main event.  That's still way too much time but we're moving in the right direction at least.  

Night 1 kicked off with Rhea Ripley vs. Becky Lynch, which was a very back-and-forth bout and got a lot of time to breathe.  This was action-packed and the two were presented as very evenly matched.  Becky worked over Ripley's arm to weaken her for the armbar submission, but Ripley's power was on full display.  They had a memorable spot where Ripley had Becky up for an electric chair but Becky held on and pulled them both over the ropes.  Ripley landed on her feet though and dropped Becky to the floor.  They traded signature moves for nearfalls and ended up fighting on the turnbuckles, where Becky went for a Manhandle Slam but Ripley countered into a Riptide into the buckle, and then hit one in the ring for the win.  Very good opener.  ****

WWE WrestleMania XL Preview & Predictions

We've arrived at the fortieth edition of WrestleMania, because we're old.

This weekend is WrestleMania XL, and it's nice to see WWE using the roman numerals again after a decade of Vince's fear of aging tricking his brain into thinking no one would remember what number 'Mania it was.  Anyway this will be the first WrestleMania totally free of that scumbag rapist motherfucker's creative input, so maybe it will fully live up to its on-paper potential, unlike night two of last year's show.  One thing remains constant though, WWE has no room for either Ricochet or Shinsuke Nakamura on the biggest show of the year.  Why are those two guys still there again?  I guess if they were hoping for a good paycheck for doing as little as possible, well done?

But this show looks very good, for the second year in a row.  Let's hope both nights fully deliver this time.  

Night 1

Women's World Championship: Rhea Ripley vs. Becky Lynch

We're kicking things off with a big women's title match, as Becky requested, and this should be quite good.  Becky knows how to deliver in big-match situations and Rhea is one year removed from her career-defining performance against Charlotte Flair.  I think Rhea's title run will continue for the time being; she's one of the company's hottest stars so no real reason to change horses at the moment.

Pick: Rhea retains

Intercontinental Championship: Gunther vs. Sami Zayn

This one I just kinda find disappointing, even though it should be an excellent match.  Since Brock was the original opponent for Gunther until it came out that he's a disgusting creep, and Bron Breakker took his exact spot in the men's Rumble, one would've thought they'd put Bron here, have him be the one to finally unseat Gunther, and they'd have a new made man.  But Bron wasn't even figured into the hunt for some reason.  I guess he could still do that later on, I just think it should've been at 'Mania.  Anyway I don't see much point in having Sami go over here; Gunther's historic reign needs to be ended by a younger guy whose career will skyrocket in beating him.

Pick: Gunther retains

NJPW Sakura Genesis 2024 Preview & Predictions

It's a BUSY wrestling weekend, with two nights of WrestleMania, a Ring of Honor Supercard PPV, and of course NJPW's (mostly) annual Sakura Genesis!

This show on paper looks pretty solid, especially considering how depleted the top of the roster is without Okada, Ospreay and White.  Unfortunately one has to take a few of these good-on-paper matches with a big grain of salt thanks to the company's insistence on pushing the rancid House of Torture stable and their overbooked Attitude Era-esque bullshit.  Are the NJPW faithful really into this stable?  Judging from NJPW's numbers these days it sure doesn't seem like it.  So why is House of Torture still a thing?  Jesus this company needs an overhaul.

Anyway, here are the six matches that matter (I shan't bother predicting the three throwaway opening tag bouts)....

IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championship: Drilla Moloney and Clark Connors vs. Intergalactic Jet Setters vs. Catch 2/2

This looks like a lot of fun; all three teams can go and have delivered fine Jr. Tag action in the past.  The Bullet Club tandem and Catch 2/2 have traded these belts a couple times already so I don't see Catch 2/2 regaining them just yet.  Jet Setters briefly held them last year so it's possible they get another run.  But I'll go with the champs to retain for now.

Pick: BC War Dogs retain