Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Game of Thrones: Season Six, Episode 5 ("The Door")

by Dan Moore

Hold the door? HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR? That’s what Hodor actually meant? Jesus that was silly. The reveal that Hodor was actually mushing up the words hold the door is just a little dumb if you ask me. I’m also not one of the fanboys that was in love with the Hodor character anyway. He was a big, mute galoot that dragged a crippled boy from place to place. He had no defining characteristics except his cowardice. So now he’s dead. RIP HODOR


So now we’re moving on from the Three-Eyed Raven plot. So I must ask: Why the FUCK would you get an actor of Max von Sydow’s caliber and do NOTHING with him? He was a poor man’s Obi Wan Kenobi. He legitimately did less than Gilly, and that bitch is WORTHLESS.  What’d he have, five scenes? Three lines? Absolutely pointless.

The big reveal was that Bran’s warging powers seem to have some sort of influence on both the past and the future. Does this mean Bran can go back and change things that have gone badly in the past? I’m not too keen on this idea so I hope that’s not the case. The last thing this show needs is another deus ex machina (We have the dragons for that).

We had Sansa absolutely destroy Lord Baelish. Essentially telling him he’s a fucking idiot. Sansa’s character is so much better than it’s ever been at this point in the show. She’s confident, she’s making good decisions and she’s not taking any bullshit anymore. Looking forward to more of this from her. She’s even got Brienne in check, which is something I didn’t think was possible.

Speaking of Brienne, what the hell is going on with her and Tormund? Methinks Mr. Giantsbane is trying to get in her knickers, but she doesn’t look like she’s all that interested. Maybe she’s just a little weirded out to actually be the object of someone’s affection. And, apropos of nothing, what do Tormund Giantsbane’s friend’s call him? Torry? Mundy? Banesy? This guy needs a nickname that doesn’t sound like a chick.

“Hey Torry!”
“I’ll eat your fucking heart...”

Back in Pike, we have a new king, and it’s Euron Greyjoy. He legit showed up on a beach, made some Trump-like insults about his niece Yara and nephew Theon, the crowd applauded, BOOM new king. Democracy is a great thing. So he wins the kingsmoot and you know how they celebrate this? They fucking DROWN the guy. Evidently, the only way to be king is to drink gallons of sea water while your head is forcibly held in the sea and then hope to the Gods (the new and the old) that you cough that shit back up so your reign can begin. Yara and Theon get the hell outta dodge before Euron wakes up and goes to kill them. They took all the boats too, and they’re off to God knows where.

The rest of Westeros (or Resteros as this will be called from now on. I’m clever):

---Mereen---Tyrion has a red priestess come in to do essentially PR work for him. He needs her to make Dany’s reign look all good and cuddly, but I have no clue why he thinks bringing her in will possibly end well.

---Braavos--- Arya is told that she needs to go off some actress. She checks out this play and its re-telling of her father’s death in a very comedic (and unbecoming) portrayal of Eddard Stark. She’s none too pleased about that. I thought these Faceless Men were some kind of high falootin’ religious type cult, but it turns out if you got enough money, FUCK IT we’ll kill whoever you ask us to. Very strange.

---Vaes Dothrak---And finally, Dany ends up talking to her two saviors, Daario and Jorah. She’s about to get all huggy with Jorah before he keeps her away like “Nope, sorry honey, I got magic shingles here” and shows her his grayscale. She’s visibly upset and tells him, no, ORDERS him to go find a cure cause she needs him by his side when she’s ruling. Yeah, that’s great - “Oh you love me and you have a disease that slowly makes you go insane while your body parts fall over the place like fleshy Tetris pieces? Ok, beat it, but come back 'cause I totes need you. K, bye”. What a bitch.

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