It's time once again for WWE to throw together another lackluster PPV and call it a classic. Unlike most Crown Jewel shows though, this one is in Perth, Australia (a country that ISN'T run by an oppressive, murderous regime desperate to sports-wash away its abysmal reputation), so I can in good conscience provide my thoughts and predictions rather than just ignoring it entirely.
They brought back the champion vs. champion gimmick they used to do at Survivor Series, but now the winner gets a meaningless Crown Jewel Championship instead of just bragging rights. One of those belts and some bragging rights'll get you.....well, bragging rights. Elsewhere on the card we continue the John Cena's Greatest Hits Tour, where he half-assedly repeats much better matches he had a decade ago instead of using his final run to help make some new stars. Because planning ahead is for pussies.
Let's take a look at the lineup (the second in a row with no black wrestlers).....
Australian Street Fight: Roman Reigns vs. Bronson Reed
It's another Roman Reigns Bells & Whistles special. They'll have chairs, at least one table spot, probably some kendo sticks, and for sure a spear through the barricade. Rinse, repeat. Roman wins, they set up a WarGames match, Roman disappears from TV until Rumble time.
Pick: Roman
Rhea Ripley & IYO Sky vs. Asuka & Kairi Sane
Ok this should actually be good, loads of in-ring talent here. Only problem with the Kabuki Warriors is I never really bought Kairi as a heel, though I guess she's the one who's conflicted about all this. But the match should be very good. It seems too early to have IYO and her friend just beat the heels so I think Asuka and Kairi get the first win, while Kairi looks strongly concerned.
Pick: Kabuki Warriors
John Cena vs. AJ Styles
These two had a fantastic trilogy of matches nine years ago. Why do we need to cheapen that by having them do an inferior follow-up? Also way to go Hunter on having to build this match entirely over social media because Cena didn't have enough dates left on his deal to do it in person. "Booker of the Year." Where Cena-AJ 2016 was arguably the best WWE match of that year, this won't be anywhere close to it.
Pick: Cena
Women's Crown Jewel Championship: Stephanie Vaquer vs. Tiffany Stratton
I'm glad they're actually pushing Stephanie, she's great. She'd be even better without WWE's creative shackles, but that's another conversation. Tiffany however hasn't been living up to her in-ring potential, with some pretty poor showings even against accomplished workers like Charlotte. Stephanie is definitely the way to go here. Tiffany may have the look WWE loves, but Steph is the real future star.
Pick: Stephanie
Men's Crown Jewel Championship: Cody Rhodes vs. Seth Rollins
Speaking of an old trilogy rehashed, we have a repeat of 2022 in the main event. This should be very good but it's pretty obvious Seth is winning since Cody is 3-0 against him and Seth is the company's top heel now. At a time when Cody feels less important than at any time since he came back, I'm not sure beating him is the right move either. This guy desperately needs a personal feud so his title defenses don't just feel obligatory; as champion he's been defending exclusively against damaged goods (plus an almost-retired John Cena).
Pick: Seth
Is this show gonna have another "shock" ending so WWE's audience can get their monthly dopamine hit, or will this be received like Wrestlepalooza was, as just an average show? Again, I won't be paying the $30 to watch it, so I'll just have to imagine the mediocrity.....
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