Showing posts with label Game of Thrones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Game of Thrones. Show all posts

Monday, August 28, 2017

Game Of Thrones Season 7, Episode 7: The Dragon And The Wolf

by Dan Moore 


As predicted months ago in this very column, The Wall went bye bye.

Told ya. 

The White walkers started their slow march south by destroying the last line of defense in the north. Now, the Great War is upon us because of an ice dragon, bitches.


So much happened in this episode, but this was the big one. Now the walkers have a clear path to the south. They can destroy all the living & add them to their ever expanding army. They're quite efficient. The fact that the dragon could take down the wall so quickly was a bit of a stretch but the writers needed a way for the whites to get going down south, so there it is. As it is, I thought the sequence was awesome looking & the music really amped up the spectacle. 

The happenings in King's Landing mashed together just about every surviving major character left. We had the Dragonstone crew trying to convince the Incest OG's to band together and fight the cold dead people. And Cersei agrees (because they throw a zombie right in her fucking eyeholes), but not before we get a very tense scene between her & Tyrion. It was great seeing her viciousness come out on the brother she truly hates. It's been so long since these two characters have interacted I forgot how good they are together. Cersei even threatens Tyrion with her mutant Mountain man, but it turns out to be a bluff. 

Have you met Cersei's bodyguard, Super Shredder? 

Monday, August 7, 2017

Game Of Thrones Season 7, Episode 4: The Spoils Of War

By Dan Moore

FIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!! There’s nothing like a nice, pleasant Sunday ending with a goddamn dragon torching a Lannister army. It’s a beautiful sight. 

I hope you like your foot soldiers well done. 

I'm getting ahead of myself here, though. That was the end of the episode & the real meat of this week's installment. I'm reversing course here, so let's start with...


---Arya finally made it back to Winterfell and had a lovely reunion scene with her sister, Sansa. You could tell these two really missed each other as they talked for the first time in years in the catacombs of their childhood home next to the statue of their departed father. And then she met up with Bran. That kid is a fucking DRAG, man. I know he's gonna have a bigger part to play as the show wraps up, but Christ he sucks right now (same with Littlefinger. That manipulative fuck is up to something, but I cannot pinpoint it all). 

---We also got to see how awesome Arya is with her sword skills as she sparred with Brienne. A fun scene that really shows that a girl is not to be messed with. 

My money was on Brienne. I'M RUINED!!!

---At Dragonstone, Jon shows Dany all the dragonglass in the caves under her castle. And it's an epic looking scene filled with a dramatic new piece of music. Jon discovered in the cave that the Children of the Forest left some paintings behind that showed they eventually teamed up with men to fight the common enemy, the White Walkers. This convinces Ms. Stormborn that she should help Jon battle the undead...but only if he bends the knee. These two are letting pride get in their way. I thought Dany was smarter than Jon, who, we realize, knows nothing, but she's just being petty at this point. 

So about that dragon battle. AWESOME. Jaime and his hetero life mate Bronn are just hanging around, heading back to King's Landing when Bronn hears some folk a-creeping and BOOM Dothraki army backed up by a motherfucking dragon. It was an awesome spectacle to watch on the tube. 

Money shot. 

The battle was awesome to watch, but there were defintley some pros & cons. 

PRO: The CGI dragon torching a buncha poor saps looked awesome. The guys getting cooked so fast they instantly became ash was cool as shit. 

CON: I don't care about courage or a soldier's oath, I see a prehistoric murder machine spewing lava breath, I turn tail and get the hell outta there. The fact that none of the Lannister army ran for the hills seemed unlikely. 

PRO: The scenes were shot well. None of that confusing editing where you have no idea what's going on. 

CON: Ok, so Bronn shoots Drogon with his giant crossbow, who gets mighty pissed off and shoots flames at the crossbow. Bronn...ducks outta the way? And lives? COME ON WITH THIS SHIT. The size of that dragon fire blast woulda toasted him up faster than a marshmallow on a campfire. 

CON: And along with that...Jaime sees Dany on the ground so he heads over there to try and kill her. Drogon does what Drogon does and spits hot fire all over him...and he's knocked off his horse by Bronn and into a conveniently placed lake? COME ON WITH THIS SHIT PART 2! Disregarding the fact that the little lake is like 100 feet deep, they both woulda been burned up faster than Michael Jackson's hair. I get not wanting to kill both these dudes like that, but I like some form of reality in my shows with fire breathing dragons & where people come back from the dead. 

Those distractions aside, this was one of the best battle scenes GoT has put to film. It was a great way to end the episode. Even though it looks like Jaime was floating down into a watery grave to meet Jack Dawson, you know he ain't going out like that. Might this lead to a reunion with Tyrion? I assume he gets captured after being brought out of the lake with no bottom. Should make for some interesting (non dragon) fireworks for next week's show. 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 3: The Queen's Justice

By Dan Moore

After decades for book readers & a little over 6 years for TV viewers, we finally get the meeting promised in the title of the original book. Ice & Fire have met, as Jon Snow trekked all the way to Dragonstone (in about 8 minutes, it seems) to meet up with the Queen of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen. And it...could've gone better. Neither one of them wanted to give up any power as they both refused to recognize each other as a king or queen. Dany was especially skeptical when Jonny boy kept bringing up the White Walkers. She definitely didn't believe him. I think Dany was mostly pissed that Jon didn't come to the meeting with any gifts. He brought nothing. Motherfucker could've at least sprung for some Ring Dings & Pepsi.

She also made a hugely inaccurate claim about her bloodline...

"I am the last Targaryen"


As we all know at this point, Jon isn’t Ned Stark's bastard. Nope, he’s the son of Ned's sister Lyanna & Dany's brother Rhaegar. This makes him a Targaryen and make’s Dany’s claim of being the last Targaryen irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca-doody poo-poo. 

Dany essentially takes Jon & his crew prisoner on Dragonstone, but after discussing things with Tyrion, she decides to let him mine the vast dragon glass on her island so he may forge them into weapons to fight the army of the undead. 

These scenes were a lot of fun to watch, as us fans finally get to placate our nerd boners by watching these characters get together. These negotiations seem to be delaying the inevitable, as we all know Jon & Dany eventually have to get along to destroy both the Whites & Cersei, but I'm all aboard for this ride. 

Speaking of being on board (nailed that transition), Euron's fleet of ships caught up to the Unsullied at Casterly Rock after Greyworm & the rest took it down. The Unsullied knew something was up though, as the Rock was guarded by waaaaaaay fewer men than was expected. When Euron's fleet showed up & started firebombing Dany's fleet, Greyworm's sullen expression said it all. I have no clue what happens to the Unsullied now. Do they dig in and fire away at Euron's fleet? Or are they all doomed? I'm hoping we get some dragon fire to help out our no-dick having friends. 


---Back at King's Landing, Euron, who can seemingly TELEPORT, shows up with Ellaria Sand & her daughter as his special gift to Cersei. And she LOVED it. She immediately dumped them into a dungeon and poisoned the SHIT out of the last Sand Snake. A truly brutal from of torture. Cersei is going full bat shit crazy. 

---Even more crazy than that is her letting everyone know that, yea, what the fuck, I bang my twin brother. The secret everyone knew is now just going to be straight up knowledge for the whole kingdom as Cersei just doesn't seem to care anymore. She's got MOXIE!

---Back at Winterfell, Sansa was greeted by a long lost sibling. No, not Arya, but Bran. And she was happy to see him...initially. Then she started talking to him & realized he went all Emo, what with being the Three Eyed Raven and all. She was not interested and got the hell away from him. 

"My poetry is so dark"

---Sam cured Ser Jorah's greyscale by just cutting that shit right off. Then he rubbed some aloe on it. How the FUCK did no one in the Seven Kingdoms think of this before??!?!?

---Finally, over in Highgarden, Jaime led his troops to take over the Tyrells homelands. He had a final meeting with Lady Olenna Tyrell. He let her know that Cersei wanted to fuck her up BAD, but Jaime decided to let her go out peacefully with a poison cup of wine. And once she drank it, she let Jaime know that, yes, she was the one that poisoned & killed his first born son, Joffrey. 

"Oh, why'd you hafta tell me that AFTER you drank it?!?!?"

A fitting end for a great character. Diana Rigg was amazing in this role & I will truly miss her bitchiness & charm that she brought to every scene she was in. Take a bow, Dame Rigg. You deserve it. 

"Bye, Haterz"

Monday, July 24, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 2: Stormborn

To properly review this episode, I need to start at the ending. Because that's where the meat of the show took place. And this happened.


Somehow, some way, as Yara & her fleet were attacked on their way to King's Landing COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE by another armada of ships. How, you may ask? I have no fucking clue. No idea how a vast plethora of oncoming warships could be completely missed by EVERYONE in Yara's charge. Just defies logic. 

All bellyaching aside, this battle scene was ok. It killed a lotta people, and wiped out a good portion of the annoying Sand Snakes. But the way it was edited & the darkness of the night battle made it really hard to understand what the hell was going on at times. Everyone was dressed in black too. How do you know if you're killing the enemy or your friends? If I was in this battle, I woulda wiped out a minimum of 5 of my buddies. Easy. 

And they're really going all in with Euron as the new big bad guy, huh? He comes in on a ship with an iron drawbridge and crushes a dead. That's a hell of an entrance. Though it's gonna take a little more for me to fear a man whose name sounds far too close to urine. It turns out Euron's promise to bring back Cersei a nice gift is bringing back the very woman that killed her daughter, Ellaria Sand. She's in trouble...

It turns out that Theon had a little more Reek in him than he was letting on. After his uncle dispatched the sand snakes & bested Yara in combat, Euron expected Theon to come on over and try to save her. Instead, he did his best Wile E. Coyote impression and took a dive. 

I regret nothing!!!

I do not give a shit about Theon if he's gonna go back to being all Reekly & cowardly again. They got away from that and had him going in a good direction. If they return to that nonsense again, I hope Yara just offs him real quick to be done with it. 


Not much happened here this week. EXCEPT FOR THE BONING!!! what?

Seriously, for this show to spend SO long on a sex scene involving a guy with no dick when they only have like 9 episodes left is such a waste of time. Don't get me wrong. Missandei gets my Valerian Steel all a flutter. But Greyworm has no sword with which to pierce her lady dragon. Pointless. 

Also, Dany ripped on Varys for trying to kill her years ago, but hey, bygones are bygones, right? What's a little murder attempt in this game of thrones, eh? They also setup their battle plans, with the aforementioned fuckup at sea to King's Landing & the Unsullied with the Dothraki heading to Casterly Rock to take down Tyrion's homeland. 

She also sent out a raven to Winterfell to let Jon Snow she'd like to meet him. Which leads to...


...Jon getting said raven and heading off to meet the mother of dragons, against everyone's will. He leaves Sansa in charge while he's gone. And Little Finger is making all kinds of shady looks at her. Something's going down there, sooner rather than later. 

---Arya was running around the woods and ran into her old direwolf in another random coincidence. Nymeria didn't even recognize it seemed. But the fact she didn't eat her leads me to believe this wolf is coming back to the Stark clan. She also learned from her friend Hot Pie that Jon is in charge of Winterfell & she started heading that way. 

---At King's Landing, Qyburn showed Cersei how he planned to kill the dragons. A giant ballista (I had to look that up). So a huge crossbow is gonna take down these dragons flying in the sky at unbelievable speeds, eh? I mean, logically, this would be nearly impossible to happen. But Chekov's gun and all. One of those dragons is going down. 

---At the Citadel, Sam cut Jorah up like a thanksgiving turkey trying to cure his greyscale. It was pretty gruesome looking. Like when I'm peeling after a sunburn. The transition of the scene from stabbing at Jorah's gross, puss filled skin to a spoon into a hot, pot pie almost made the lady of the house barf. Which filled me with glee. 

---Finally, I'm so glad they essentially wrapped up the Dorne story line with Euron killing just about all of them. I didn't care about them, I didn't know their names, hell, I don't think I can tell any of them apart. They screwed up what could've been a good plot. They seemed utterly unnecessary to the show at all times. Good riddance. 

We're annoying. And then we were naked. Now, we're dead. Toodles! 

Monday, July 17, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1: Dragonstone

by Dan Moore

I'm going back to Westeros, Westeros, here we are. The first of the final 13 episodes (spread over 2 seasons because OF COURSE) of GoT premiered last night. There were a few good scenes, one great scene and a buncha puzzle pieces moving into place. Let's dive in, shall we?

Arya: The Professional

A girl had no name...but she has poison...plenty of poison.

Well, our little Stark girl is all growns up, huh? After slicing the shit out of Walder Frey's neck last season, Arya decides to use her new face swapping powers to decimate the entirety of the Frey clan. And she does this beautifully, getting all those drunks to make a toast with goblets full of poison wine. It's a lovely  scene filled with vengeance and corpses. Arya's revenge tour looks to be her focus this season, and, I for one am delighted. Though I do have a question: so her face swapping also makes her the same size as the person whose face she stole? Cause methinks a teenage girl is a tad shorter than a full grown man...but you, Arya. She also ran into Ed Sheeran and didn't kill him, which shows she still has some restraint.

The Whites


Finally, after being teased for about 88 years, the White Walkers are acutally, really, truly on the prowl. Teased from the first scene of the first episode, the threat of these ice zombies has really been on the back burner, what with all the warring & incest. But now the real threat in Westeros is here. And they have giants. MOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE GIANTS. This is awesome. An aside: if this show ends up being a prequel to the Walking Dead, I'm gonna off myself. I already stopped watching a show with zombies walking seemingly to nowhere, I don't need another one. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT, HBO!