Another season in the books (or more accurately, past the books. Take that you reading snobs “Oh I can read, have you heard about this thing called Red Wedding?” Go screw, I saw King’s Landing EXPLODE). Now for us viewers, winter is here, as we have to wait next April for new episodes to drop. I feel like the Hound now, wandering aimlessly, looking for someone, anyone, to give my life purpose.
Last night’s finale was everything GoT fans have been waiting for. There was intrigue. Betrayals. Twists and SPLOSIONS!! Let’s start there. After SCREWING us out of the Cleganes fighting each other, Cersei has to head to the Sept of Baelor to face her charges with the High Sparrow. After Loras bent over (heh) and accepted all his punishments and denounced the Tyrell name, it was time for the Queen Mother to show up and stand trial. But the bitch never did. She had the Zombie Mountain grab her son, had Qyburn get the kids from Hostel to off Pycelle, and then they ran to the hills because they done gonna blow everything up, son.
|And there was Predator blood EVERYWHERE|
I found it strange that everyone all of a sudden had this panic looked on their face, as if something eminently awful was about to occur. Why would all the folk in the Sept think something terrible like that would happen? They all had looks of fear but it's not as if explosions are a commonplace occurrence there.
Having destroyed all her enemies in one fell swoop (The Tyrells are all mostly dead, the Sparrow, the Faith militant, lotta corpses this week) with the Mad King’s hidden cache of wildfire, Cersei was looking good to start ruling behind the scenes with her son King Tommen as the figurehead. But Tommen had other thoughts, as all those dead folk really messed up his head and he took a swan dive off the Red Keep and went ker-splat.
|This kid's about to have a real king's landing|
Now, Cersei is the Queen of Westeros. She’s playing the Game of Thrones all right. Where does this leave her? Well, she can’t be having anymore of Jamie’s kids, I’d say. They’re 0-3 there. It seems she needs a proper husband again, and there’s a certain King in the Iron Islands that’d be prime material.
Of course, the giant reveal in this episode was Jon Snow’s true parentage. Rumored about for years by those stuck-up book readers as R+L=J, it is indeed shown through one of Bran’s flashbacks that Jon is not Ned Stark’s bastard, but instead the child of his sister, Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen, Daenerys’s oldest brother. Jon now has a legit claim to the throne and also is being called the new King in the North. Which kinda muddies the waters because…
Dany’s LOADED now. She’s got the Unsullied, Dothraki, some of the Iron Islands, Dorne and Highgarden’s forces now. Do Dany and Jon (ya know, aunt and nephew) get along in an incest-like way a la the Lannisters? Or are they headed for a fight for the Iron Throne? This opens up a whole new narrative for the battle of Westeros.
---Ser Davos confronted that redheaded bitch Melisandre about killing that poor little girl Shireen and told here to get outta town or he’s gonna murder her face off. She said “okaaaay byeeee” and ditched towards the south. I have no clue what’s gonna happen to her now. Does she want revenge for being chucked out? Or will we never see her again?
---Uncle Benji just left Bran and Meera to fend for themselves as he headed back into the wild. So let’s review: first season, Benji runs north of the wall, we don’t see him again until season 6. Then he swoops in outta nowhere and saves his nephew. And now he’s just…gone. Yeah, excellent use of this character. Pointless.
---Sam went to a library. It was fucking AWESOME. Just kidding, I don’t care about this. At all.
---So…where’s the Hound?
---How the hell is Varys jumping all over the place so quickly? From Mereen to Dorne and back and finally on Dany’s warship? Fucking guy warping around like Mario all of a sudden.
|IT’SA ME, BADLY PHOTOSHOPPED VARYS!!!|
---Littlefinger is a total creep. Sansa gave him the ol’ Heisman on his advances. Will this piss him off? I dunno. I think his obsession over the lady Starks is more important to him than anything.
---Lady Mormont. I don’t have much to say about her except that this 12-year-old is the best character on television ever. Love this little chick.
|Lady Bad Ass|
---And finally, a girl gets revenge. Arya shows up outta nowhere (Seriously, I didn’t see this coming) and slices the shit outta Walder Frey’s throat, echoing how her mother got it at the Red Wedding. Now, we can all wonder why the hell Frey was all of a sudden alone in his party room. Seriously, there were about 200 people in there a few scenes ago, but now he’s all Kevin McAllister in there? Methinks that’s bad writing, but whatever. The old coot got what he had coming to him. Arya’s Braavos story actually paid off a bit her as she used her training and her Mission impossible like face mask to trick Frey and off him. Kudos to her for a vicious murder.
There we have it. The season is over. And now my watch has ended. See you all next year.