Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Dan's Top 9 - R-Rated Movies That Don't Work When Censored

Welcome to another edition of Dan's Top 9, where my associate Dan Moore counts down the nine best or worst......something or other.


We've all been there. A lazy, hungover Saturday. Laying in your underpants on the couch, flipping channels. And on TBS, a classic movie you love comes on. Then it's ruined by Eddie Murphy calling someone 'a stinking jerk face'. You need swears and blood in your R-rated flicks, and these flicks are the biggest Debbie Downers without those beautiful curse words.

9. Any Horror Movie - I gotta have a broad scope for this first entry. Whenever you throw on TNT and Friday the 13th comes on, you must change it immediately. There is ZERO point in watching, say, a Michael Myers film without the blood and guts. You may as well go to the Louvre during a power outage.

8. Total Recall - Quick, what's the first thing you think of when remembering this classic Arnold Schwarzenegger schlock action movie? Three fuckin' tits, that's what (followed closely by "Get your ass to Mars"). Without that very crucial moment in the movie and dare I say AMERICAN HISTORY, what's the point?

7. Requiem For A Dream - One of the most depressing films ever. Seriously, I've seen it once and wanted to swan dive out a window. Without all the depravity the R rating afforded this, it seems to be about friends on a road trip and a nice old lady winning big on a game show...wait a minute, I'd watch that over and over again! That sounds lovely!

 6. Clerks - This whole movie is a walking fuck/shit/tranny joke. Without the cursing, this movie is a sad, black & white documentary about two losers slinging cigs in a filthy convenience store. Can't see box office lines for that one.

5.  Goodfellas - Robert DeNiro, Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci are in the Swearing Hall of Fame for this flick. No two ways about it. If I can't hear Tommy Devito ask about being a fucking clown or telling Spider to get him a fucking drink, what's the fucking point, I ask ya? Now go get your fuckin' shine box.

4. Robocop - One of the most beautifully over-the-top violent, bloody action movies ever made. Gorgeous vulgarity and hyper violence make this a great R-rated movie. Its balls are completely clipped when you watch it on The WB. Hearing Clarence Boddicker ask the ladies to please get out instead of "Bitches, leave" really hurts the integrity of the bloodbath.

3.  Scarface - This movie would be 8 minutes long without the swears. Maybe there'd be 14 lines of dialogue. Tops. All it would be is majestic shots of the Miami coastline and interiors of drug mansions. So it's an episode of Cribs.

2.  Big Lebowski - THE quintessential vulgarity movie. There's swears in this movie for no reason, no FUCKING reason at all times. I never want to view this without a healthy dose of every swear word known to man. Though the basic cable version does have a glorious dubbing of Walter Sobcheck screaming about a stranger in the Alps. Perhaps it's alluding to some deleted side mission about finding a lost pal in the mountains?!?!


1. Showgirls - Duh. What're ya gonna do, crack stick to the dialogue??  Hold on, that could work...wait a minute.................................yea all right that wasn't bad.

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