This column features some of the greatest and grossest dive bars in the U.S. of A. I’ll be using a rating system between 1 and 4 handlebar mustaches, which is the preferred mustache by 9 out of 10 old timers in dive bars.
The Cellar Tavern
221 North Avenue
Abington, MA 02351
|Thar she blows. It's an actual cellar. Under someone's home. With an old timey truck thereabouts.|
I recently moved even more south than the south shore, and have been looking for a dark place to wet my whistle. And lo and behold, this beautiful basement arrived on the horizon. The Cellar has a long bar that’s also combined with a horseshoe shaped part. It’s got a buncha tables for your eating and boozing pleasures too.
Fun Factor: This place is a drunkard’s heaven. They do all kinds of specials during the week. Like a ladies night on Thursdays with raffles and half-priced food. It’s got the requisite Keno, dart boards abound, a killer juke box and Yahtzee for grownups. Throw a few bucks around and who knows, maybe you’ll walk outta here with enough cash to buy some Advil for your next hangover because…
Booze Choices: ARE DIRT CHEAP. My dear lord. You saddle up to this stick with 20 bucks, and you are going home in a body bag. Ice cold Bud Light drafts are 2 bucks and they have a myriad of cheap mixed drinks all over the place. If you had a bad day at your shitty job (and all jobs are shitty unless you’re a porn star or 3rd string NFL quarterback), this is the place to drown your sorrows.
Delicious & cheap. Just like me.
Cast of Regulars: I love the regulars here, because I already am one. I’ve been here like five times and the bartenders make me feel like I’m home. There’s Camille & Kayla and the rest of the gang and they somehow remember your name like the day after they meet you. I barely know my boss’s name and I’ve been here 9 years.
|That's me, the future Mrs. Dive Bar, and our pal Scotty Pickes being regulars on St. Paddy's Day.|
Stench: The only smell coming outta this joint is the food, and I swear to God it’s good. Like actually real good. They got $2 dollar pizzas on Sundays and those fucking things are KILLER. I’ve sucked down maybe 842 of em in the last month (rough estimate).
OVERALL: This is my kind of place. Where everyone knows your name and also the number for a taxi. I love it here and I’m hoping they start offering me frequent flier miles. With the amount of time I’m spending here, a trip to Mars should be in the offing by August.