When I was a kid, I was a big wrestling fan. I’d watch every Monday night, and hoped a friend’s parents would buy the PPV when the time came. I had fake championship belts, shirts, video games, and I’m sure some other nonsense. (Stone Cold was the G.O.A.T.) But here’s the thing…I was fucking 12. As a child, guys wearing speedos and beating the piss out of each other with chairs didn’t raise any red flags. But now?...It alarms me that any adult watches this shit. All I know of wrestling now is that it seems to upset the handful of my friends who still watch it. From time to time I catch a rant about how shitty the storylines are now or whatever. I don’t mean to cast judgment (yes I do), but quite frankly, I get embarrassed when I see these complaints. Grown men whining about a fake predetermined outcome is the same thing as some old broads yapping about a character getting killed off of their favorite “soaps.” And the worst thing? You can’t gamble on it. NO FUCKING THANKS. But I digress. For these predictions, I literally know nothing. I was only provided the names of the wrestlers and a picture of them. So without further ado…
Keith Owens vs Dean Ambrose – Intercontinental Championship
The Pick: Ambrose grabs his lunch pail, smashes Owens in the face with it, and wins the belt.
New Day vs Luchador Dragons vs The Usos – Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match
The Pick: Can’t go against a name like Luchador Dragons. They’ll be flying off ropes and ladders and shit. And being dragons, I’m sure fire makes an appearance?
Charlotte vs Paige – Divas Championship (ya ya ya cat fight)
The Pick: I’m going with Paige. She’s got this dark hair, dangerous look thing going. I’d back her in a real fight. And the blonde does nothing for me. Hopefully I treaded lightly enough through this analysis to not sleep on the couch tonight.
Alberto Del Rio vs Jack Swagger – United States Champion
“Ok, what’s your name?”
The Pick: I’ll go with Del Rio I guess. Can’t take that other guy seriously.
Dudley Boyz, Rhyno & Tommy Dreamer vs Wyatt Family – 8 man Tag Match
The Pick: The Wyatts. Too fucking scary-looking not to win. The other mongoloids are all gonna get moonshined through tables.
Sheamus vs Roman Reigns – WWE Championship
The Pick: Sheamus by a mile. My pick is based on a solid foundation. I drink Guinness. And Jameson. And last week, a guy named Sheamus painted my Uncle's place. Did a phenomenal job. Can’t ignore cosmic signs like that. Reigns taps out when Sheamus puts him in the Bangers & Mash.
In conclusion, wrestling is really fucking stupid. (Sorry Justin).