Friday, December 18, 2015

NFL Pick 'em: Week 15

Dan's Picks

The Brock Star fell apart last Sunday and cost me the perfect week. Normally I’d be upset at that, but it had quite the silver lining. It allowed the Patriots to jump back into the 1st seed in the AFC. And barring disaster, the road to the Super Bowl goes through Foxboro.

Tom is much happier than last week
 Of course, Miggsy tried to make me look the fool by taking the opposite of my picks. Instead it bit him on the ass. I don’t really understand that guy. Really, no one does. I mean, what the hell is he doing in the middle of a lake holding this sign? Weird.

He really does too.

Arizona (-3.5) @ Philadelphia – The Pick: ARIZONA -3.5
This fake win streak Philly is on is a pure mirage. Bradford is a stiff. The defense is a joke. And the great fans in Philadelphia once booed Santa Claus (You may have heard about that once or twice). I firmly believe the next game that Chip Kelly wins as head coach will be at USC next year when he’s the head man in CA. I’m also picking Arizona because I was there once around Christmas and the weather was quite lovely.

Cleveland (+15) @ Seattle- The Pick: SEATTLE 
Look, I know that’s a ridiculous amount of points. And I know Johnny Football has been playing well lately. But come on. I firmly expect the Browns to head into CenturyLink Field and get their Dogpound dicks stomped on. I mean, you got the Hawks head coach giving speeches on top of the lockers. You can’t bet against a happy, and clearly psychotic Pete Carroll.

Carolina (-4 ½) @ New York Giants THE PICK: CAROLINA 
Of course I’m on the Cam Newton & the Panthers bandwagon. The guy is all about dabbing. I’ve been into it for years. Who knew that this old guy was hip again, what with all the kids dabbing nowadays!

I hope I’m still doing it right. 

B-Cuddy’s Picks

The end of our little contest is on the horizon, and it seems that ending will strongly resemble a night in the sheets with Danny...Anticlimactic. Danny is still participating, bless his heart, but he’s miles behind the pack. If he were a horse, we’d have to shoot him. We still might. Meanwhile, my lead over that other pasty ball of goo, Miggsy, is starting to increase. Guy looks like a snowman with facial hair. Hideous.

Last week he went with the bold strategy to pick opposite of Melon-Head, and it backfired, much to my amusement. Now he’s desperately clinging on like he does with his last scraps of follicles. Oh, I’m sorry, not scraps. Historical remains of what was once a great society of hair. I know, I’re on the swim team. I support you. #GoTeamManatees!! On to the picks.

Kansas City (-7) @ Baltimore – The Pick: CHIEFS -7
The mustachioed Kool-Aid man & the Chiefs didn’t do me any favors last week as my lock. Only scoring 10 points against the horrible Chargers should count as a loss at this point. But the weather was shit and it was a divisional opponent. I guess I’ll let it slide. This pick is more about how bad Baltimore is anyways. Who’s going to be their QB this week? Schaub? Clausen? MALLET?! That’s a murderers row of hot garbage. The Ravens season is obviously over, and their best course would be to get as high a pick as they can. The Chiefs are currently in the playoffs, and need to keep winning to stay in. This is the most obvious pick on the schedule for week 15. And all the money will be coming in on KC. So when Baltimore eventually gets the backdoor cover, many a gambler are going to lose their minds. I’ll be one of them.

Arizona (-3.5) @ Philadelphia – The Pick: ZONA -3.5
Another road favorite. Really rolling the dice this week. But that’s the luxury of having the cushion of a lead I have. The logic here is simple. Arizona is really good. And despite two wins in a row, I firmly believe Philly stinks. Sam Bradford has a constant deer-in-the-headlights look going. And their pass defense is actually uglier than the citizens of Philadelphia. Not easy to do. The Cardinals have too many weapons for Philly to handle. The line only being 3.5 is a steal. Arizona blows them out.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-3) – The Pick: JAGS
That’s right. I’m taking the Jackson-fucking-ville Jaguars with my BOOM pick. These aren’t your grandfather's Jaguars. I realize the franchise is only 20 years old. Babies having babies, what can I say? The kids today are a mess. Moving on...The Jags actually boast one of the league's better offenses. Blake Bortles might actually be a decent QB. And their receivers are legit. Allen Robinson and Allen Hurns are both talented. Two Allen’s?  I know Kruger ain’t running this team. He’d never stand for that. On the other side, you have Atlanta. What a hunk of shit this squad is. I think Dan and Miggs could play in their secondary, and the only thing they can cover is a buffet table. On offense, Matty Puddles seems to do the wrong thing on every important play. He has no poise. Now, if I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, POISE COUNTS! Picking against the Falcons is the smartest gambling move going. No reason to do anything else with the lock. Jags win 38-27.

YTD Record: 25-18 (34 Points)

Miggsy's Picks

I know what you’re saying to yourself. That my strategy last week backfired and I was the big loser, but did it? I basically drank a bottle of scotch and a million beers at my company’s Christmas party, on their dime mind you, and was too hungover to focus on lines the next day. Wouldn’t that make me the big winner last week? So the way I see it, I got one win without even lifting a finger. I’LL TAKE IT!

I find myself 3 points behind that horse-faced WorldStar lover with 3 weeks to play. It’s going to be a challenge because we both are typically drawn towards the same games. I’m gonna have to get creative with my selections. I would insult Danny but I think his record speaks for itself. The guy has a losing record for Christ sake! Why is he even in this contest? Oh it was his idea. Carry on...

Arizona Cardinals @ Philadelphia Eagles +3.5. PICK: CARDINALS -3.5
The Eagles are coming off back to back wins against the Pats and Bills. You might think they are on a bit of a roll, well don’t be confused. The Eagles aren’t good. The Cardinals come into this game as one of the relatively healthiest teams in the NFL which is rare at this point in the season. I see them running up the score on old fat-face Chip Kelly’s eagles. He’ll have his puffy hands buried in a bag of his salty master by halftime. I assume that’s why they call him Chip.

Carolina Panthers @ New York Giants +5. PICK: GIANTS +5
This one goes against my better judgment. This is a pure value bet. I’ll take the points in what I think will be a high scoring game. If the Panthers are going to lose a game at all this year, it’s this one. They are on the road without Jonathan Stewart. That gives me the slightest bit of confidence plus I’m starting Eli this week. I figure I might as well double down.

Miggsy’s Monster Lock of the week: Kansas City Chiefs @ Baltimore Ravens +7. PICK: CHIEFS -7
The Chiefs continue to rip off wins after their horrific 1-5 start. They’ve got 7 wins in a row coming into this week. The Ravens are almost, almost as bad as the city itself. You go there, you take your life into your hands. Derelicts everywhere and I’m not talking about the Mugatu version. I don’t care if its Shaub or Clausen under center, either way they are a shit sandwich.

Brandon (25-18, 34pts)
Miggsy (24-19, 31pts)
DNM III (21-22, 28pts)

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