Thursday, February 23, 2017

Do’s & Don’ts for the Daytona 500

Last year, The People I Call My Friends and I headed to Daytona for the most storied of NASCAR events, the Daytona 500. I’m not a huge NASCAR aficionado, but it was a bachelor party and our bachelor is a big supporter of going around in circles. I’m a casual fan, in that I’ll watch if nothing’s on and I’ve been to a few events, though moreso for the accepted binge drinking in the stands. Having just NOW recovered from that weekend, here is a list of what you should and shouldn’t do during the grand-daddy of them all in the racing world.
These guys look prepared.....they weren't.

DO: Bring extra underpants…you’re gonna need them.

DON’T: Eat pizza down there. Seriously, they’re clueless on how to make it. It takes them forever to make one pie. And they taste TERRIBLE.  I think ours was Wonder Bread with V8 on it.

DO: Enjoy all the Happy Hour libations. We were drinking pitchers of beer for $5 and Mai Tai’s for $4. Sure, the Mai Tai’s were essentially sour mix and ice, but goddammit WHAT A BARGAIN.

DO: Hang out with Danny Daytona. The man is a pure party animal and everyone wants to be around him. He’s electric. Fun follows that guy around like herpes at the free clinic.

Holy shit, that guy in the middle is cool!

DON’T: Go to the strip clubs. 'Cause they’re not strip clubs at all. The ladies of the night in these venues are quite modest and must, by law, keep their tops on. So if your idea of sexiness is checking out a live episode of Baywatch, have at it.

This was the closest we got to boobies....
and this was a family restaurant.

DO: Go to the race early and check out the sea of humanity that goes to this event. They’re AWESOME.

DON’T: Sell your extra ticket to the first guy you see for waaaaay under face value for no reason. Verbatim, here’s Miggsy’s "negotiations" to sell his extra:

“I paid $170 for this…it’s yours for $100”

The place was a seller’s market but nope, here ya go, sir, enjoy! Dummy.

DO: Bring a bottle of Fireball so you can take a pull whenever there’s a caution flag out.

DON’T: Get so drunk that you get lost and can’t find your way back to your seat…like my brother did. He was gone for probably 80 laps. Watching him go up and down flights of stairs, section by section, looking for us repeatedly is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. We call him the Professor because of his spectacles, so we made sure when he finally did find us he wouldn’t get lost again.

This guy.....he's not my kind of guy.

DO: Bring as many beers as you can to the track, as this is the only sporting event in the world (I’m pretty sure) that you can carry in your own booze. It’s UNREAL.

DON’T: Go home the day AFTER the race. That’s a huuuuuuuuuge mistake. If you do that, you fall victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia".

B-Cuddy spent more time in the toilet the day after the race than he did in the stands at the Speedway. It was…not good.

IN FACT, DON’T: Go to Daytona at all. It’s a putrid, miserable city. It’s poor, the food sucks, the people are rude and there’s nothing to do there. Go to the race, and then run away.  Far far away.

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