Friday, October 14, 2016

NFL Pick 'em 2016: Week 6

by Dan Moore (@SouthieDanimal), Mike Parker (@UncleMiggsy) and Brandon Cuddemi

Welcome to another edition of our terrible picks. I won last week. Miggsy won last week. Brandon lost so he can blow it out his ass. Loser. But the real losers in this are you, the bettors. Because hopefully you’re ignoring these picks and betting on something better, like cockfighting.

That bird's a ringer

And not only do we stink at sports betting, but any casino gambling seems to be an issue too. At Foxwoods last week, Brandon lost so much he tried to get a marker for his little hip hop car there, but they laughed him off and told him to keep making pretend with his friend Drake. The less said about Miggsy’s day, the better.

"I'm ruined...."

Dan's Pick

Indianapolis @ Houston (-3) THE PICK = HOUSTON
I don’t care for either of these teams. Plus their quarterbacks are at polar opposites of the attractiveness scale.
Andrew Luck & Brock Osweiler

Indy’s offense should be good. Strong-armed QB and some dynamite wide receivers. But their offensive line is BRUTAL. Andrew Luck is getting sacked more than Lisa Ann. The Texans defense should DEVOUR Andy all night.

I suspect that at some point Houston’s offense will figure things out, and why not against Indy’s suspect defense? They’re giving up an average of 25.6 points a game. THEY STINK. Houston is also 3-0 at home. This has all the makings of an outright Houston win, so they’ll probably lose by 20. Bastards.

Brandon's Pick

I can’t pick a game to save my life right now. I’m scrambling for winners like a hobo digging in the trash for discarded scratch tickets. Which is how Danny makes his living. I’m somehow losing in this farce to a short, stocky, BALD man. And I’m tied with Danny. TIED WITH DANNY!!??!!! I’d say this is the lowest moment in my gambling life, but I recently got shook at a bingo game. Rough month for ya boy.

All the bingo cards you need to play at once.
Somehow the old broads are all over it. My mind's still in a pretzel. 

Let’s get this shit over with…

Baltimore @ NY Giants (-3) – The Pick: GIANTS -3
Complete coin flip game. I’m taking the home team with a better roster on paper. So ya know, bet the farm on Baltimore. But I can’t bet the Ravens. They just lost to Kirk Cousins at home. Ouch. As for the Giants, they have their own myriad of problems. One being that their star wide receiver is as emotional basket case. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Odell? He acts like a teenage girl who’s just been dumped. Somebody get him some Midol or a therapist or something. To be honest, I despise both teams. I wish they’d both lose. Anytime I think of Eli and his booger-eating dweeb face beating the Pats in two Super Bowls, I have to visit my good friend Jameson. Joe Flacco stinks too. Somehow that robot has landed endorsement deals. Let’s see what products he shills for…

…WHAT????!!!!! Fucking Haribo. How can that company not have Scotty Pickles as their pitchman?? He accounts for like 62% of all Haribo sales by himself. You mean to tell me you’re gonna sell more gummy bears with that verse this?...

…Yeah I didn’t think so.

Miggsy's Pick

Last week my automotive choices came into question. I didn’t care for that. And just to clarify, there IS a need for me to have a jeep and it's BECAUSE I BOUGHT THE BIGGEST HOUSE ON THE BIGGEST HILL ON THE BIGGEST SIDE OF TOWN WITH MY GOLDEN PICKS!!!


And just like that I find myself back on top of the picks. Those two dopes are playing checkers and I’m playing chess. Brandon couldn’t keep up with the old ladies at high stakes bingo, it was pathetic really.

This was the lady across from Brandon dobbin' his card
because he wasn't paying attention

I feel bad making fun of Danny these days because picking winners isn’t his thing. His thing is reviewing dive bars. Stick with what you know.

Danny trying to get another beer at said dive bar

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Chicago Bears -3: Jags +3
I’m Jaggin' off like crazy this week. I’m also betting the Jaguars will cover this spread. In my mind it makes sense.  The Bears are without Cutler and I don’t think it would matter if he was there. They stink. I’m still bitter about them getting rid of the Viper Kyle Orton. You also have the Jags coming off a bye. The put up points in bunches during a normal week so I can’t imagine what they’ll do when they are well-rested. The players will be well-rested; I’m not sure about the instigator Jackson de Ville…

“How I spent my bye week” by Jackson de Ville

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