Monday, May 8, 2017

The Retired Human: An Investigation

I’ve been subjected to a bevy of retired people in my life the last few weeks (my parents were in town, and now my girlfriend's parents). I’ve been able to study their everyday activities and now I would like to share with you all my very scientific observations on this most strange animal, the Retired Human (Oldicus Boredicus).

There they are, about to tell me how I fucked something up.


1. THEY CRAVE THE PRINTED WORD: These old folk need information. But they do not wish to have that info at a convenient access point like, say, in their hands AT ANY TIME WITH A PUSH OF A BUTTON. No, no, no. These people need ink on paper. NEED IT. Like an alcoholic going from bar to bar avoiding last calls, these people cannot begin the day without their fingers being dirtied up by cheap ink off cheaper paper. Yes, they desire yesterday’s news at an ungodly early hour printed on a piece of stationary barely above welfare grade toilet paper. They all head to a store before the sun is up. They circle the place, standing by for the doors to open so they can pounce like hyenas waiting on a used-up carcass.  One wonders if they would also accept a man working with a quill pen, dipping it in ink and writing out this info in Latin, which is just about as useful as today’s newspapers. 

Breaking News 


2. THEY ARE ACTIVE WELL BEFORE MODERN MAN AWAKENS: When once it was known that the day started when the first rooster crows, now we must heed the call of the sexagenarian. I always thought 4:15 AM was far too early to be putting dishes away; alas, I was wrong. Though I as a working human need rest, they as a non-working folk do not. Nor are they too worried about waking you up when even the sun is still sleeping. They are clanging and banging all over the house like it’s a goddamn gym. But I was told I was too loud at 8:30 PM while I was rubbing wet cotton over a blanket. 

QUIET DOWN!!!!!!!!!!


3. THEY EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU. EVERYTHING: Have you ever opened a window before? Sure you have! But you’ve been doing it all wrong, you silly son of a bitch! There’s subtle nuances to opening and closing a window I never knew before. But I do know, after my 17-minute tutorial about pushing something up then pushing something down. Other things I had no clue I was doing wrong all these years was using the shower, folding clothes and cutting a steak. Thankfully, I am re-trained in all these activities and I will not be made to look the fool. 

These were just some of my observations while watching this strange creature. Tune in next time when I share with you that you can't be drinking all that caffeine and those lights are way too bright. 



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