WWE RAW: Kane? Kane. Really? REALLY??

Oh for Chrissake, you had to go and add Kane??  Kane, who debuted 20 years ago and hasn't been relevant in years?  WWE really is desperately clinging to The Era of Part-timers, aren't they?

For those of you who missed it, last night The Big Red Quintagenarian returned to RAW (despite having been drafted to Smackdown last year - great continuity guys), interfering in the Roman Reigns-Braun Strowman cage match and allowing Strowman's TLC team to add a fifth member, which of course will be Kane himself.  So now the TLC main event is 5-on-3.  I hate handicap matches.  My hate for them is directly proportional to how lopsided they are.  So now I hate this main event by a 1.67:1 ratio.  Can't we just have The Shield vs. Braun & The Bar?  Is that too simple a plan for you people?  Why must WWE excessively window-dress every good idea they have?  Does adding two guys to the heel side honestly give anyone pause that The Shield will undoubtedly emerge victorious on Sunday?  There's ZERO chance the company put these guys back together just to have them lose their first reunion match, so why possibly ruin a potentially great brawl by adding too many men on the field?  Like, what are the two extra dudes supposed to do while the other six are fighting?  And how weak does that make the five guys look when they lose to three?  And who at this point is the least bit intimidated by Kane?  I'm pretty sure I'VE beaten him several times over the years.  And isn't he running for Mayor?  Who's got time for pretend fighting when you're busy pretend-politicking?  And hold on, The Demon Kane is going to be on the same PPV as The Demon King.  Does that mean Finn Balor has authority over Kane?  Can't he just order him not to get involved?  I'm just really confused now....

TLC has a pretty thin lineup.  Only the Women's Title and the Cruiserweight Title are on the line, Lesnar's not on the show, and the I-C and Tag Champs are in the TLC match.  This is basically a four-match show, plus two throwaway Cruiser bouts.  Kalisto-Enzo isn't gonna be much to watch, and does anyone care at all about Kendrick/Gallagher vs. Swann/Alexander?  You know that's getting shoved in the death spot before the main event.  I truly do miss the days when there wasn't a PPV every two weeks.  This is like a mainstream network TV series, where they're obligated to fill 22 episodes every season so nothing substantial happens for 15 of them.  Nothing to see here, just filling time.

Rumor has it that the planned main event of Survivor Series will pit the Universal Champion against the WWE Champion.  What a huge main even-- oh wait.....it's Brock Lesnar.....vs. Jinder??  Seriously?  I guess they needed a way to top the pointlessness of last year's Survivor Series main event?  So lemme get this straight - we still have not seen Lesnar vs. Kevin Owens, Lesnar vs. Cesaro, Lesnar vs. Sheamus (except at a non-televised house show), but Jinder gets a match with him?  Sweet Jeezus, Vince.  Stop trying to make "fetch" happen with this guy.  It doesn't work, it's never going to work, let it the fuck go.  Attendance is down, ratings are down, and most importantly, business in India is down.  India - the whole reason you pushed Jinder in the first place.  They didn't fall for your obvious bit of pandering.  Pull the plug on this DOA experiment.  So what's the endgame here?  Lesnar steamrolls Jinder just like everyone else?  How weak does that make the WWE Champ look?  I mean even moreso than he already did?  The damage they've done to the WWE Title this year has been unfathomable, between hotshotting it all over the place from January to May, to never booking it in the main event of Big Four shows (or Smackdown-only shows for that matter), to letting the least-deserving champion of all time keep it longer than just about anyone else in the past decade (Seriously, I think Jinder's ranked #4 in the 2010s), that strap is about the most worthless belt in the company aside from the Cruiserweight Title.  John Cena's gonna need to win it again and do the Open Challenge thing.  One can only hope the rest of Survivor Series is set up like last year, with stacked elimination matches taking up the bulk of the show.   

What a downer of a column.  Sorry guys.  Anyhow, stay tuned later this week for our TLC predictions.  And don't forget to join our new Enuffa.com Facebook group, located HERE.

Bringing the Heat, by Ryan K Boman

by Ryan K. Boman
The Gorilla Position
www.thegorillaposition.com
@RyanKBoman

Impact Wrestling’s Garza Jr. is a third-generation superstar from south of the border whose fantastic future… es rojo caliente!

Read More: https://thegorillaposition.com/2017/10/11/bringing-the-heat/

WWE Hell in a Cell 2017: Meh, It Was a Show....

WWE Hell in a Cell 2017 was....a show.  That's about it.  There wasn't anything horrible, there was one very good match, a bunch of okay stuff, and an obscenely overlong main event with the same unnecessarily risky spots we've seen a dozen times before.  It's clear that WWE, despite boasting one of the best talent rosters they've ever had, is becoming less and less a product for me.  Amid all the solidly worked matches on this show I found myself not caring much about any of it.  The one match I was emotionally invested in was the WWE Title match, and that of course went the wrong way (I knew I was gonna get screwed picking Nak to win).  The WWE product is just missing something very integral.  They've beaten the audience down with inconsistent or flat-out bad television for so long that nothing seems to really engage.  It makes me laugh when WWE apologists claim that New Japan is just a series of spotfests with no story and no characters.  To me that's exactly what WWE has become, case in point this main event.  I was drawn in much more by Okada-Omega's story than I ever could've been by Shane vs. Owens.  But before we get to that, let's look at the rest of the show.

The opening Hell in a Cell Tag Title match easily stole the show for me (and most, from what I've read).  New Day and The Usos work very well together and this continued that pattern.  The action was fast-paced, they made innovative use of weapons (including a clever spot where Xavier and Big E trapped an Uso against the cage with kendo sticks), and it was a good mix of violence and traditional wrestling.  Toward the end they brought out the big spots and nearfalls until finally the Usos hit their double splash on Xavier with a chair resting on top of him.  Yet another title change, and I'm not sure where the division goes from here since there are no other viable teams left.  But good match.

Next up was Randy Orton vs. Rusev, which I consider the least interesting feud on Smackdown right now.  Rusev's stock has fallen so far it's tragic.  He easily could've been pushed to Jinder's current spot and would've actually had the talent and credibility to back it up.  But no, he's now lower-card RKO fodder.  The finish to this match was memorable, as Orton pounded the mat to set up the RKO but Rusev pounced on him for an Accolade attempt.  Orton slid out though and nailed the RKO for the win.  Sadly this run-of-the-mill bout was one of Orton's best matches of 2017.  "Inoffensive" is apparently all he's up for these days.

The surprise hit of the night was the US Title Triple Threat (Tye Dillinger was added during the pre-show), as AJ Styles worked his ass off to get a good match out of Dillinger and Baron Corbin.  Everything good about this match can be attributed to Styles; whenever he was out of the ring the match ground to a halt.  Jeezus Corbin's offense is dull.  He's reminding me a lot of Sycho Sid, with nondescript offense and the occasional deer-in-headlights look.  The finish was well-booked to protect AJ, as he hit the Phenomenal Forearm on Dillinger but was knocked out of the ring by Corbin, who then covered Dillinger for the belt.  Can AJ please move back up to the WWE Title picture now?  That guy's too good for this company.  Side note: the whole "Perfect 10" moniker doesn't work for Dillinger.  If he were a heel it might, since he'd be a dorky bad guy who thinks he's hot shit.  But for that nickname to work for a babyface he needs to actually look like a "perfect 10."  Side note #2: it's a sad thing when AJ's "soccer mom" do is by far the best haircut in a triple threat; Corbin and Dillinger desperately need either hair plugs or a buzz cut.

He's like a bald eagle now.  Get it??

WWE Hell in a Cell 2017 Preview & Predictions

Aaand we're back to the twice-monthly WWE PPVs.  Fuuuuuck me......

This Sunday is Hell in a Cell, where WWE plugs a feud into an annual gimmick match rather that naturally letting a feud build to the point that only said gimmick match will settle it.  This year that match involves the boss's kid.  Fuck's sake.  But first let's look at the rest of the show, which to be fair looks pretty good.  Also, WHERE THE FUCK IS SAMI ZAYN??!?  How has his career actually gone downhill after being moved to the sparsely populated Smackdown?  Jeezus fuckin' Christ....

***I'm just barely holding onto my lead, with 50/74 (67%), Landon's in second with 41/62 (66%), Dave's got 25/40 (62.5%), and Dan's finally out of the 50s with 45/74 (61%).***

Pre-Show Match: Shelton Benjamin & Chad Gable vs. Hype Bros

Remember how awesome American Alpha was?  Why'd they split 'em up just to plug in the guy Jason Jordan was sorta copying into his old spot?  So stupid.  They're teasing a Hype Bros breakup, but who cares?

Justin: American Alpha 2.0 wins
Dan: I can't believe Shelton Benjamin is back. What a blast from the past. AA2
Landon: Olympic Gold Standard
Dave: AA I guess

Bobby Roode vs. Dolph Ziggler

I get that Bobby Roode's entrance/theme is total babyface material, but his character and in-ring style don't make sense in that role.  He wrestles like Ted Dibiase used to, meaning his offense consists of nondescript brawling designed to bring down the crowd before the babyface comeback.  I'm not sure how this will work.  Meanwhile, Ziggler's offense is flashy and exciting, which is the opposite of how a heel is supposed to wrestle.  This dynamic strikes me as totally backwards.  Whatever, the match should be fine.

Justin: Roode wins, obviously.  And I hope Ziggler leaves when his contract is up.  Imagine Dolph in NJPW?
Dan: Ziggles just can't win.  Dammit.
Landon: I don't want to imagine that Justin.  Roode.
Dave: Roode. Ziggler has been done for many years now.

Randy Orton vs. Rusev

Why is this feud still going on?  Does anyone give a shit about either of these guys right now?  Rusev is beyond damaged goods, especially without Lana.  Orton's had the worst year of his career and I can't imagine a less hot main event guy.

Justin: Orton wins again
Dan: Dude, WHO CARES? Fuck it, Rusev.
Landon: Wait, these two are feuding?  Orton.
Dave: Orton, but who cares at this point?

Smackdown Tag Team Championship Hell in a Cell: The New Day vs. The Usos

Another feud I can't believe is still going on, but then who else does either team have to feud with?  At least their matches have been consistently very good, and this should follow suit.  It'll be refreshing to see a tag team Cell match, even if this feud isn't exactly blood feud material.  WWE is apparently trying to pad New Day's title record so they can be the "most decorated" Tag Champs ever.  Remember when championship longevity meant more than frequency?

Justin: To that end, The Usos win back the belts just so New Day can regain them
Dan: This should be a good one.  I think New Day retains.
Landon: Remember when Vince Russo killed all the titles in the 90s with multiple short reigns?  New Day.
Dave: Usos

WCW Monday Nitro #5: F*ck Wrestling, Hogan's Here

WCW Monday Nitro #5, October 2nd, 1995
Denver Coliseum in Denver, Colorado

The announcers were running down what matches we were getting tonight, including the rematch of Flair and Arn Anderson from Fall Brawl, and the match between Randy Savage and Lex Luger where if Lex lost. he'd have to leave WCW forever. While they're talking, Ric came out, en robe, and began running down Anderson and Pillman. He was crazy for approximately 20 seconds before he walked away. Ric remains a gem on this show every week.

They recapped the past 3 weeks of Savage and Luger promos. About Savage being weary of Luger, and how Luger just wants trust...and the World title. This build has been Pay Per View caliber, but was given away for free to pop that rating.


Randy Savage vs. Lex Luger, Where Lex Must Leave WCW if He Loses

This match was, for the time and the men involved, main event levels of awesome in terms of the psychology and the action in the ring. They locked up for a solid minute and a half, rolling out of the ring together in the lock up like two bulls fighting over a Lady Bull. This was going very well, Luger playing a great heel here. Luger's character, a mix of narcissism and delusions of being a babyface, is an awesome thing that I would love to steal one day. It went well, anyway, until The Giant came out. He grabbed Savage and proceeded to try and break his neck like Rambo. It only half worked, rendering Savage unconscious. Luger, who was knocked out at some point before The Giant attempted murder, woke up thinking none the wiser of the practical corpse. Like Rob Terry years later, lifting a dead Ken Anderson for a slam, Luger hurked the body of Savage up into the Rack, where the referee lifted savage's unmoving hand three times for the submission.
***


Disco Inferno came out with his wonderful music to dance. Eddie Guerrero with a baby mullet and a singlet came out to tell him to piss off, cause he had to make the wrestles. I began salivating from excitement for...


Eddie Guerrero vs. Dean Malenko

I've been excited about this match for two weeks now. And I had every reason to be excited, because these two began to put on a clinic for how to grapple. Reversals into submission escapes, into stand offs. I loved it.
But then.
We got word that hulk hogan had arrived in the arena. Cool, whatever. Then we got a split screen with Hogan arriving and Jimmy Hart on speed as always. Fine, I can still see the match. Then we got the full shot of Hogan, really saying nothing and doing nothing but being Hulk Hogan.
You fuckers.
I was really enjoying this match, and so were a lot of people in the crowd. But here, on the fifth Nitro, WCW began to kill itself. It began the trend of telling fans that the wrestling and the action in the ring doesn't matter, because what matters are the stars and the personalities. Thankfully, we came back to the match for more action and an eventual pin fall, with Eddie using some combination for the pin. It was still good, but the Hulk Hogan interruption took me out of the actual action, and took a lot from the match.
**1/2

NJPW King of Pro Wrestling: The Last Big Stop to The Dome

That poster is beautiful...

Hope you're not burned out from the Destruction tour, cause we have the last big stop until The Tokyo Dome coming up. Four titles and a Title shot will be defended here, and the undercard seems unoffensive or even good. I'm coming back to Enuffa to run down the card with Justin, and let you know who the smart money's really on. Justin?

Bullet Club (Bad Luck Fale, Yujiro Takahashi, and Leo Tonga) vs. Los Ingobernables de Japon (SANADA, BUSHI, and Hiromu Takahashi)

The strangest trio of LIJ to team up, just put together because of Naito and EVIL's place on the card. I expect nothing.

Landon: LIJ.
Justin: LIJ




CHAOS (Hirooki Goto and Toru Yano) vs. Suzuki-Gun (Minoru Suzuki and Zack Sabre Jr.)

Why? I don't know. Again, because of the card's set up we need to put Minoru second down from the card. With a feud against Makabe hopefully coming up in January, he's just spinning his wheels until then.

Landon: Suzuki-Gun.
Justin: Yup




IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship [2nd Title Defense]
Funky Future (Ryuske Taguchi and Ricochet) (c) vs. Roppongi 3K (???)

Who's Roppongi 3K? I have no idea. The question seems to be whether Rocky is in the match itself, a question no one seems keen to answer. I'm still under the impression it's an entirely different tag team, and still think it's The Tempura Boyz. I don't know who wins here, I like Taguchi too much to ever officially bet against him. Plus, if I'm planning out the Tokyo Dome Jr. Tag Team match, I'd rather have two well established Dome performers a sthe champs, versus a team that's possibly untested.

Landon: Funky Future.
Justin: Never bet against the mystery opponent.  It's almost as bad an idea as giving a debuting team a championship.  RPG 3K wins.

WCW Monday Nitro #4: Hogan in a Neckbrace, Savage seeks Revengeance

It took 4 weeks, but Vader is finally out of the opening video for Nitro. For a guy who was never on the show, they sure did take their time replacing him with Luger.

WCW Monday Nitro #4, September 25th, 1995
Florence Civic Center in Florence, South Carolina


Disco Inferno vs. Alex Wright

So this is the infamous Disco Inferno. Never seen an Inferno match before this, and really it wasn't as bad as some have warned me it would be. Despite being Disco's Nitro debut, Alex Wright was the star of this match. He was able to clear the top rope on a dive, with no hands, and without much effort. Wright would probably be really popular today, with his cosmopolitan style and look. After a kind of short match, Wright got the pin with the backslide. Nothing special.
*1/4


Hulk Hogan cut a Hulk Hogan promo in a neck brace. He talked about how the Giant broke his neck and how he won't die, and I'm starting to think that maybe Ric Flair isn't the immortal sorcerer after all. Brother, brother.

They recapped the Randy Savage and Lex Luger confrontation from last week. Pirate shirt, snakes, etc. The two came out to shout at each other, and decide to have a number one contenders, Lex leaves town match next week. But for tonight, they have matches to get ready for.


Kurasawa vs Craig Pittman

Monster Morning Mullet

Well, this match was an unexpected treat. Pittman had a nothing match at the Pay Per View last week, but here he managed to have a really fun match with Kurasawa (who is Manabu Nakanishi.). Fun in the same way I enjoy Ishii and Makabe going at it. The brawl included a lot of Kurasawa going for Pittman's arm, because apparently he had broken Hawk's arm months ago. The match was pretty 50/50, until Kurasawa pinned Pittman with a GERMAN
SUPLEX
HOOOOOLLLDDDUUUUUUUU
**1/2, a very fun match.

Music Review: Kesha - Rainbow

Well it's safe to say Kesha's former producer Dr. Luke was definitely holding her down.  Exhibit A?  Her third album Rainbow, an eclectic, defiant, and ultimately triumphant collection of pop, folk, rock, and country-western songs from an artist finally free to make music she truly believes in.  Eschewing the rather adolescent, and for me grating sound of her first two records, Rainbow is a major leap in creative maturity and textural nuance that should please both Top 40 radio listeners and those looking for something more sophisticated and personal.

Kesha's folk influence is easily spotted on songs like the hopeful opener "Bastards," which brings to mind the simplistic guitar/vocal arrangements of Edie Brickell and the brutal frankness of Alanis Morrisette.  The song offers a reassuring message that no matter how bleak things may seem, one must never let the aforementioned bastards win.  This folky vibe can also be found on the saccharin alt-folk tune "Godzilla," which literally places the 400-foot lizard in a mall (a metaphor for falling in love with a suitor the rest of your circle deems unworthy), and on the album's hauntingly atmospheric closer "Spaceship," wherein Kesha states her funereal wish to be picked up by an ancestral spacecraft after she dies (I could totally believe she came from outer space).  This song would feel right at home in a Coen brothers film, with its bouncy-but-melancholy guitar riff and gorgeously ethereal backup choir.

Strong country tinges can be found in the Johnny Cash-esque "Hunt You Down," in which Kesha talks about what would happen to a prospective lover were he to "fuck around" on her.  The song's derisively mad tone can be summed up with her spoken word line over the bridge: "Baby, I love you so much.  Don't make me kill you."  Another country tune is the classic rock update of Dolly Parton's "Old Flames (Can't Hold a Candle to You)," which Kesha's mother Pebe Sebert co-wrote.  Parton makes a guest appearance sharing lead vocal duties, while the instrumentation sounds very reminiscent of Abbey Road-era Beatles.

WWE No Mercy 2017: This Was Great, Until It Wasn't

Man, if you shut off No Mercy after the fifth match you'd have two-thirds of an easy PPV of the Year candidate for WWE (Nothing they do this year will ever touch NJPW's top shows).  In the first five matches there was strong action, good variety, and nary a misfire.  And then WWE failed to stick the landing, offering a disappointing main event and a flat-out offensive Cruiserweight match.  But before I really start complaining, let's go through what was good about this show, because I really did like the first couple hours.

The show started with The Miz vs. Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Title, in a match literally no one was invested in.  But goddamn if they didn't pull out a solid opener.  I've been a reluctant fan of Miz's in-ring work for years, as a guy who can deliver a decent match with almost anyone of reasonable ability.  Miz's strength as a worker is that he's an excellent listener; he knows when to let his opponent lead the way and just go with it.  He's very unselfish in that regard.  As for Jordan, he proved last night why he deserves better than this insipid Kurt Angle angle.  Jordan could be marketed as a blue chip suplex machine, and with some character repackaging could become a great upper midcard heel like The Rock circa late '97.  These two put together a crisply worked match that the crowd was actually fairly into, until outside interference cost Jordan the match (much to the crowd's delight - Jordan needs to go heel).  Nice work by both guys.

Second was the unnecessary Bray Wyatt-Finn Balor rematch, where the company took a backwards approach to this feud.  Balor resorting to The Demon should've been the climax, but instead he just came out as himself, and they had a perfectly serviceable undercard bout.  Nothing terribly memorable, but this was just fine and Balor won to hopefully put this feud to rest.

The show peaked for me with the Tag Team Title match, another wild affair between Rollins & Ambrose and The Bar (Jeezus that's a terrible team name).  These four were having a splendid match until Ambrose catapulted Cesaro into the corner, and Cesaro ate a mouthfull of ring post, knocking out at least two of his teeth.  Holy shitballs that had to hurt.  And Cesaro wrestled another ten solid minutes after that.  I woulda called it a day.  "Sorry fellas, I ain't got no teeth.  I'm goin' home."  Not only that but the energy of the match actually ramped up after that, with wild tandem offense and some great near-falls.  Ambrose and Rollins finally retained after another Rainmaker knee/Dirty Deeds combo.  Excellent tag match.  It's kinda sad both teams can't be champions really.  Cesaro better get a bonus for this too.

WWE No Mercy 2017 Preview & Predictions

Wow, it feels like SummerSlam was forever ago, even though it's only been five weeks.  I guess that's what happens when WWE doesn't have four PPVs a month...

This Sunday is No Mercy, which for some reason was moved up a month and changed to a RAW PPV.  I don't get the schedule shuffling they're doing this year.  Hell in a Cell is now Smackdown-only, TLC is now RAW-only, Starrcade is coming back as a Smackdown televised house show essentially.  It's just super confusing.  Whatever...

This show is pretty stacked.  In fact they're giving away two WrestleMania-worthy matches.  On a B-PPV.  I don't get it.  They should both be something special though.  I suppose WWE programming is way more enjoyable when you don't think about it.  On with the picks...

***I'm in the lead with 46/67 (69%), Landon's in second with 36/55 (65%), Dave's third with 21/33 (64%), and Dan's bringing up the rear with 39/67 (58%)***

Cruiserweight Championship: Neville vs. Enzo Amore

I mean, Enzo?  Really?  I get that he qualifies for a Cruiserweight, but technically so do I.  And I wouldn't watch me fight in the Cruiserweight division.  Enzo is literally all talk.  He's good on the mic, stinks in the ring.  'The hell is he gonna do in a Cruiserweight match?  No wonder nobody takes this division seriously.  Enzo has no business winning this.

Justin: Neville retains
Dan: Enzo SUCKS. I don't even like his mic work. He tries to come up with funny shit, but it's cringe-worthy comedy. Neville better effin' retain.
Landon: I DARE them to just kill the division dead. They killed ECW, they can kill cruiserweights. Neville retains, I hope.
Dave: Neville. Enzo has been annoying since he's been in WWE.

Intercontinental Championship: The Miz vs. Jason Jordan

Poor Jason.  He had such potential, particularly as part of American Alpha.  But WWE "creative" decided to split up that great team and put Jason on RAW as Kurt Angle's son.  And literally no one cared.  Therefore WWE doubled down on this stupid move and kept running with it, rather than just letting it fade away.  I can't see them giving Jordan a PPV Title match here if he isn't winning it.  But it's too early.

Justin: Jordan wins and everyone gets pissed.  Maybe he'll make a good heel as a result.
Dan: COME ON MIZ!
Landon: Let it ride. Jordan to be pushed into burning out, then wondering why it didn't work.
Dave: I'm rooting for the Miz but I think he's gonna lose which is pointless.

Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt

I don't know why this feud is continuing, especially in another regular match.  We already saw The Demon at SummerSlam, so anything less than that is a step backward.  I'm guessing the story will be that Finn can't get the job done without being in Demon form.  Meh...the match will be fine but I don't care.

Justin: Bray wins
Dan: Finn for the winn
Landon: Wyatt
Dave: Man, I don't care.  Bray I guess.

WCW Monday Nitro #3: Pillman vs. Flair, Savage attacked on the Beach

Didn't really feel like doing a full Fall Brawl write up, so here's the quick notes.

Flyin' Brian vs Johnny B Badd had a fucking phenomenal match. I can't recommend this shit enough. It's a marvel it was the opener. I don't even want to spoil the ending for you for maximum enjoyment. ****

DDP won the WCW TV title from Renegade in a nothing match. Watch it for DDP's smoking hot Diamond Doll, and the awesome finish. *3/4

The match between Arn Anderson and Ric Flair was so spectacular that I was ready to give it 5 stars. But the finish, Pillman interfering to set up the main event of this Nitro, ruined that prospect. Still a great match to watch. ***3/4

War Games was wacky. Fuck it. *1/2

WCW Nitro #3, September 18th, 1995
Freedom Hall in Johnson City, Tennessee 

The show opened with The Giant and The Taskmaster coming from an ambulance claiming they killed Hulk Hogan. This show really is stuck right in the middle of the 90s.

WCW Tag Team Championship
Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri) (c) vs. The American Males

All of you have to stop. If you've never heard the American Males theme, click the video to the left here.

We good? A'int that so clownshoes it's amazing?

This was going to be the Males vs. The Bluebloods, but Harlem Heat beat Robert Eaton down on camera, and I assume drove a stake through Steve Regal's heart in a vain attempt to kill him because he wasn't on this show. Harlem heat  challenged the free living Americans to try and take their titles. Heat took 80% of the match, before Rob Parker came out to woo Sister Sherri with promises of oil and land. This magically turned the tides, as Bagwell reversed a Pumphandle by Booker into a Crossbody for the pinfall and the American Males won the tag titles!
**

RIP Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (1944-2017)

The wrestling world (universe?) lost one of its all-time greats yesterday, as legendary manager/wrestler/broadcast journalist Bobby "The Brain" Heenan passed away at the age of 72.  One of the best talkers in wrestling history, in 2002 Heenan sadly developed throat cancer of all things, largely robbing him of his greatest gift, his wonderful voice.

I first became aware of Heenan in 1986 when I started watching the wacky pretend sport of professional wrestling.  Like most kids who first take an interest in this stuff, I was initially a babyface loyalist.  My favorite wrestler at the time was of course Hulk Hogan, and anyone trying to take away his WWF Championship was a reviled enemy.  In the mid-80s Hogan had perhaps no more fiercely staunch onscreen detractor than The Brain, whose Heenan Family stable members frequently challenged for the belt.  During this era Heenan's mission statement was essentially "kill Hulkamania."  Thus I hated him.  I mean, HATED him.  Heenan was one of those heels whose appearance made me cringe, and I wanted to see him (and his wrestlers) get murdered in the ring.  It wasn't until 1989 that I realized "Wait, I hate this guy because he's so damn good at his job."

Wrestling managers are something of a lost art.  In the 80s a good manager could get a mediocre wrestler over just by cutting good promos.  The manager would be the mouthpiece, the wrestler was the muscle.  A heel manager could talk as much shit as he wanted, and he'd have his wrestler or stable there to back it up.  And if the manager was really good?  Whatever new guy he took on was instantly credible, just by association.  Not only that, if any new babyface came along to feud with one of said manager's clients?  Instant heat.  Bobby Heenan was one of those managers.  He took for example a low-card babyface team like The Islanders, who lost pretty much every week, and turned them into a formidible heel team who got the better of The British Bulldogs.  Conversely Ken Patera, a former Heenan client who'd been absent from WWF TV for three years due to a prison term, returned as a reformed babyface who blamed Heenan for his deviant ways.  Their resulting feud was red-hot for a little while, and made Patera relevant again.  Then of course there was Heenan's most famous angle, where he managed to turn Andre the Giant against Hulk Hogan, leading to the biggest match and PPV to date.  Just by his association with Heenan, Andre went from beloved special attraction to the most hated man in wrestling, overnight.  Bobby Heenan was one of those rare managers who could actually draw money.

WCW Monday Nitro #2: Panic Ensues, The World and US champs Defend Live on TV

Last week's show was a great romp through wackiness. These opening weeks look to be a great bridge between the best parts of the late 80s, and the good things to come in the Attitude Era. Last week did a great job setting up this week's Nitro, when we were promised Sabu, Mr. Wall Street, and what was bound to be an awesomely horrendous Main Event of Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan. I couldn't wait for Nitro from 22 years ago!

Monday Nitro #2
September 11th, 1995, from the Knight's Center in Miami, Florida

We were read the line up for the night, including the Norton and Savage match I've been really excited for, and "The Match of the Century" between Hogan and Luger. Oh, we'll get to that.


Sabu vs Alex Wright

This was Sabu's debut on Nitro, not WCW though. He certainly was Sabu, doing Sabu things like springboard leg lariats, ridiculous dives, shortening his career, etc.. At one point, Mongo compared Sabu to a Full Back in football. I have minimal football knowledge, but a quick Wikipedia search says otherwise. I think I've seen Wright a couple times now, and he's always proven to be really solid technically. His German suplex bridge was particularly good. Eventually, after Bischoff hypes up such things as the Arabian Facebuster and the Arabian Leg Drop, Sabu won with a top rope Victory Roll, which looked a lot more devastating than it sounds.
**1/2

And then, Sabu needed to be Sabu. He got a table out. not a table as we know it today. This was a table approximately half way between today's gimmick tables, and those tables at your grandma's church when they play bingo. It was a sturdy, meaty table that Alex Wright was leaned against. Sabu took a leap of faith off the top rope, overshot his mark completely and went head first into the table. It was terrifying, and the decision on the match was reversed by Disqualification. What the fuck.

Looks great as a gif, though.

Ric Flair came out and started being Ric Flair. He complained that Arn wasn't out slamming beers and women with him. Not in those exact words, but might as well have. Luger came out halfway through, and Ric started salivating at the sight of his old running mate. He called him "Package" at least once. Lex only came out to say that ric never changes, then left. Why? I have no clue.


WCW United States Championship
Sting (c) vs. VK Wallstreet

As Sting came out, Bischoff told us that Shawn Michaels was winning his match on the opposite channel, and that we shouldn't bother changing over to them. Sting, the great white meat babyface that I maintain every company needs, was able to get a really good match from Wallstreet. no disrespect meant towards Rotunda, but in 1995 his already small window of prime was past him a while ago. Sting went for  a slingshot dive into the ring and became almost the second casualty on this show when Wallstreet wasn't there to catch him. The finish was so simple it was great, just a crossbody by Sting off the top rope. Shit used to be so simple to get right.
***1/4

Revisiting and Reviewing Green Day's nimrod.

by Michael Drinan

@mdrinan380

On September 2nd I posted a picture on Instagram (@thesurfacenoise people, what up!) my copy of Green Day’s nimrod. record with the caption: “I love 90s Green Day. So much energy and attitude, mixed with a smart ass sense of humor. But Nimrod never sat well with me. I give them credit for having a different approach on this album, a little musical diversification, but at the end of the day I only like 3 songs off this one, my favorite being "The Grouch". They bounced back for me a couple of years later with Warning but this one still hasn't grown on me.”

I received three comments to my post, one calling me a “stupid face” and that I was wrong, the other two commenters said that they never heard of a fan of 90s Green Day who disliked this album. It’s those two comments that really made me shake my head in disbelief. How could I be the only person who doesn’t care for this album while loving the rest of the band’s 90s catalog? Then I thought, well maybe I’m missing something. The album was released in 1997 when I was seventeen so maybe my interpretation of the songs would be different since my musical palette has certainly expanded within the twenty years of it’s release. Also, it has been a while since I last listened to this album so it wouldn’t hurt to revisit it.

So I did. Here’s my review.

Let’s begin with what I like about the album. First off, it’s not a bad album. It has a consistent sound and the things I like about Green Day are there: the energy, humor and some very creative word play in the lyrics. I’ve always loved the line in “Hitchin’ A Ride”: “Do you brake for distilled spirits?/I need a break as well/The well that inebriates the guilt”, along with the line “Cold turkey’s gettin’ stale/Tonight I’m eating crow”, which sums up perfectly the song’s subject matter about falling off the wagon of sobriety. Billie Joe has always been a good lyricist and who is able string together a narrative for an entire project very well. He continues this on nimrod., even though the album was written to be a collection of individual songs that have nothing to do with one another. It still works.

Before I re-listened to this album, I only liked three songs off it and two of them were the singles “Hitchin’ A Ride” and “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”, the other one is “The Grouch”, my favorite on the album. It’s a song about Billie Joe’s fear of regret, growing up into a person that’s settled in life with a nagging wife and a son that’s a fuck up, and also losing his ideals. The song really served itself as a lesson to me at seventeen and I still hold true to most of the ideals of my youth without the compromising effect adulthood can have.

The Eve of Destruction: Previews NJPW in Fukushima, Hiroshima, and Kobe

But...but I have All Japan and NOAH to catch up on still...

Right, we have three upper tier shows coming at us in the next four weeks. Each one has a marquee singles match to catch, and in between all these are several more title matches and multi-mans, many of which are going to be excellent in their own right. Even if someone wanted to skip the filler (like I'm going to in this preview) it'll be a Long September for all of us. Well, if we don't start, we're never going to finish. Justin and I are gonna cover the major matches from all three shows, and let you know our picks for who'll win. The road to the Tokyo Dome is heading through Destruction!

Destruction in Fukushima, September 10th in Azuma Sport's Park

IWGP Tag Team championships
War Machine(c) vs Guerillas of Destiny vs Killer Elite Squadron

Landon- This is going right up here because this match is happening on all three cards in the next month. This is going to be the greatest series of car crashes ever seen in New Japan. All three teams have exactly one specialty; beating the shit out of their opponents. I don't know how many times the titles will change in September. Maybe all three times, but I'm hoping for zero. War Machine should walk out of Kobe with the belts, no matter who wins Fukushima and Hiroshima.

Justin- I find it very odd we're getting this same match three times, but they should all be enjoyable.  Hopefully they'll find ways to make them all different, other than simply changing the titles.  I agree with Landon, the belts should stay put throughout the series.  But I think there'll be at least one title change.  Let's say KES wins the first match.




NEVER Openweight 6-Man tag Team championships
Los Ingobernables de Japon (EVIL, SANADA, and BUSHI) vs. CHAOS (Kazuchika Okada, Rocky Romero, and Toru Yano)

Landon- I really hope that the CHAOS group doesn't win here. The whole match looks like it's just a backdrop for Okada and EVIL's match coming up in October, and changing the titles here would be a serious mistake. I don't think there's a trio in New Japan right now that is better than SANADA, BUSHI, and EVIL are, and they should be trios champions for a long time, possibly forever.



Justin- Agreed, LIJ retains.




NEVER Openweight Championship
Minoru Suzuki(c) vs Michael Elgin

Landon- Ever since January, when I was introduced to the wonder that is Minoru Suzuki, I've always put my chips down on him. Yeah, I got burned for it at the New Beginning, but since then, he's been a safe bet. But here? I'm putting my faith in Big Mike. Raw power is the one thing that can believably counter just how dangerous Suzuki can be as a striker and grappler. If Elgin doesn't win the NEVER Openweight Championship here, I honestly have no idea who could possibly dethrone the Lonely Warrior.

Justin- This should be a great, brutal fight.  Big Mike has to win here.  He'll be a perfect custodian for the badass division that is NEVER Openweight.

Destruction in Hiroshima, September 16th in the Hiroshima Sun Plaza Hall

IWGP Junior Tag Team Championships
Taguchi Japan (Ryuske Taguchi and Ricochet)(c) vs. Suzuki-Gun (Taichi and Yoshinobu Kanemaru)

Landon- Look, I l...I liiiii-la-la-la....I think Taichi is okay. And Kanemaru has proven to be pretty good the more I watch him. My love for Taguichi, however, can only be beaten by a few individuals. Even with my lukewarm respect for Ricochet and what he does, I'm going to be cheering for the Funky weapon here. Also, because we need to stop playing hotshot potato with the Junior Tag Titles.

Justin- Taichi and Kanemaru are the bottom of the Suzuki-Gun barrel, and Taguchi Japan just won the belts.  They keep them here.




IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
KUSHIDA(c) vs El Desperado

Landon- After the Best of The Super Juniors, I think a lot of people realized just how great Despy can be, minus assault with pens. But KUSHIDA two-belts-with-two-trophies (ehh, we'll work on that one) is on the roll of a lifetime right now, and Desperado shouldn't be the one who stops that streak. I think it'll be a good match, but Suzuki-Gun goes 0-2 in Hiroshima.

Justin- This is what you call a filler title defense.  Don't get me wrong, Kushida is hard-pressed to have a bad match with anyone, but I don't see Desperado dethroning him.  Kushida will and should keep the belt till at least Tokyo Dome.




IWGP Intercontinental Championship
Hiroshi Tanahashi(c) vs. Zack Sabre Jr.

Landon- I don't know how this one is going to go. The fact coming into this match is that Tanahashi is injured. His arm is probably getting worse by the day. He'll never want to admit it, but at some point it's going to give out on him if he doesn't get the surgery. Sabre may not be the best choice for this title swap, but who would be at this point? With The Dome coming in 4 months, we need to seriously start considering what the Intercontinental Title match will be, and surgery would take Tanahashi out until past the show. So we either have a hurt Tanahashi, or we start to get a new champion ready to defend the belt. Is Sabre the man? Well, he could be.

Justin- Zack Sabre is fucking awesome.  And he should win the strap.  And I think he will.  Clearly the company has plans for him, given how well he fared in the G1.  Tanahashi takes time off to heal or have surgery and hopefully returns in time for WK12.

Destruction in Kobe, September 24th in the Kobe World Hall

IWGP US Heavyweight Championship
Kenny Omega(c) vs Juice Robinson

Landon- Kenny was recently pulled from all of the shows leading up to Kobe, to heal what is being reported as a meniscus related issue. Even if Kenny comes in at 60%, this'll still be an awesome match. Juice has had a ridiculous rise in stock over the past year, and I actually wouldn't be upset if he took the US title from Kenny. However, I think Omega retains the title.

Justin- This should be pretty great.  Hopefully Kenny's injury isn't serious.  I think he retains till at least WK12 when he faces (Please God, I need this) Kota Ibushi in the semi-main event.


Strap yourselves in, clear your calendars, and get ready for New Japan to give you their all in September. I'm sure we'll see you on the other side of each show.

Why Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy Stinks

by Dan Moore
@SouthieDanimal

Let's get this outta the way: that title is clickbait and complete hyperbole.

Even Bruce agrees I'm a nutjob. 

But there's always been a part of those movies that has pissed me off (besides the Batman smoker's voice).

Bruce Wayne leaves Gotham city and heads off to the great expanse of the globe to become a crimefighter. A tale as old as time. No problems there. It's when he returns to Gotham that it starts to get a little messy.

Bruce buys a buncha shit and decides to fight the crime makers. Great. And he's dressed up like a dunce because his fetish gear I mean Bat suit ain't ready yet.

"In my spare time, I rob the 7-Eleven."

Then he becomes Batman proper, beats up Liam Neeson and is told at the end of Batman Begins that the Joker is coming for that ass. The Dark Knight begins with Batsy hot on the trail of the Joker from the previous movie. So he starts fighting It and also beats up on a victim of a tragic accident that has left him facially disfigured. 

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!!"

WCW Monday Nitro #1: WCW Erupts, Launching the Monday Night Wars

September 4th 1995

The Mortal Kombat movie was on the top of the Box Offices.

People were still waiting for the verdict on the OJ Simpson case.

In less than a week, the Sony Playstation would be released.

And Monday Nitro aired for the first time.

I was one and a half years old when Monday Nitro debuted on TNT. I've been watching professional wrestling now for over a decade, and I think it's time to find out what I didn't get a chance to watch. WWE would have you believe that their rival was fucked up from the first day, only giving grudging respect. But I want to find out for myself. So I'm going to watch Nitro every Monday night, for at least a year, and see just how good, or bad, Monday Nitro was.

Monday Nitro emanated from the Mall of Goddamn America, which is definitely an unconventional venue, but it certainly helped make the product seem different. And it's only an hour long, which was the standard set by RAW at the same time. The commentary team is Eric Bischoff (Okay), Bobby Heenan (Always a Plus),and the infamous, the wonderful, Steve "Mongo" McMichael. I only know the man by reputation, and if you follow along with me, we'll find out if the stories I've heard are true. But, never mind that shit, because we have our first match.

NXT Brooklyn: The Third One

I just got off of a month of G1 matches, and I was afraid being burned out of really good New Japan content would hurt my opinions of this entire show. Plus, I haven't kept up on NXT in so long, that I thought I'd end up just glance over this card and not really pay attention. But I'll be damned if this wasn't the most fun I've had watching a WWE product in some time. Every match was as good, if not better, than was expected. Top to bottom the card delivered, each match felt different from the next.


Johnny Gargano vs. Andrade Cien Almas

The crowd was immediately hot for this match, which amazed me. This may surprise some of you but Johnny Gargano is really good at this. He may be the best White Meat Babyface the company has right now. What actually surprised me was Andrade, who seems to have finally clicked in NXT. He seemed a lot more confident and smoother in the ring than he was last time I watched one of his matches. The two had a very good match, for an opener. They kept the psychology simple and everything they did made sense. The ending was also clever, with Almas' manager distracting Johnny with a DIY shirt, before he was hit with a Hammerlock DDT and pinned. Originally I had picked Gargano to win here, but Almas definitely needed the momentum more here for...something we dont know yet.

***3/4

SAnitY (Eric Young and Alexander Wolfe) vs The Authors of Pain for the NXT Tag Team Titles

Okay, let's get the negative out of the way: Im tired of not being able to tell the Authors of Pain apart. If I'm gonna have to watch these two, I need something better than "one has tattoos on his arm" to tell them apart. I'm begging someone to get their hair cut/not cut. Besides that, this was another really fun match. SAnitY was set up to be a more cohesive unit, and smarter as a whole than Paul Ellering leading the AOP was. Setting them up as a mind game playing stable is great. The teams ended up trading off who was face and who was heel during the match, which was an interesting event. It was the typical Authors of Pain match besides this, until the finishing 4-way made this match awesome. Nikki Cross is a trooper for taking the pain she did, going through a table sandwiched between Dane and one of the Authors. The maneuver that Wolfe and Young used to end the match fell a little flat, but it was still a  decent reaction for their win.

***1/2

ReDRagon came out after and murdered everyone only as ReDRagon can. So that was awesome, and playing into events that would transpire after the main event.

Music Review: Queens of the Stone Age - Villains

Four years after their (in my estimation) masterpiece ...Like Clockwork, quirky alt-rock quintet Queens of the Stone Age is back with Villains, their devilishly mischievous take on radio dance-rock.  Produced by Mark Ronson (Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga), Villains boasts a rather whimsical, light-on-its-feet sound with touches of David Bowie, Nine Inch Nails, and plenty of 70s-style groove.

The album's opening track "Feet Don't Fail Me" sets the tone with an almost disco beat and a dirty guitar riff, as frontman Joshua Homme croons in no-fucks-given fashion about the simple, urgent need to put on some music and dance.  This track gets the album moving and serves as a mission statement about the band's new approach; there's plenty of Berlin-era Bowie influence on display here, along with fuzzy pre-amped guitars.

Next up is the album's first single, the insistently hooky "The Way You Used to Do," a playful shuffle groover with probably the most memorable riff on the album.  Think blues meets glam, as Homme intones an "us vs. the world" message to an unnamed lover.

The album settles into more familiar QOTSA territory on the more measured, sinister rocker "Domesticated Animals" (which would feel right at home on Rated R) and the melancholy almost-love song "Fortress," possibly my favorite on the record.  Both songs feature those trademark Homme guitar melodies that add texture and weight to the tracks.  "Fortress" deals with the protective walls we all put up, and how we handle ourselves when they give way.

Another standout is the quasi-epic "Un-Reborn Again," which starts out mellow and builts to a spectacular refrain where the band drops out and an orchestra springs up in its place, showing once again Homme's gift for complex, multi-layered arrangements.

The second single and eighth album track, "The Evil Has Landed" features a boxy pentatonic main riff and a sparsely constructed verse section with lyrics about defiantly enjoying life, consequences be damned.  In the final two minutes the song's start-stop feel gives way to a slower, more driving groove with a repeated lyric, "Here we come, get outta the way," hammering home the nihilistic message of the track.

The closing song "Villains of Circumstance" has a darker, more somber tone that brings to mind "I Appear Missing" from the last album, with a gentle triplet feel and introspective lyric.  Lines like "I know that life moves on, that's what scares me so," seem to suggest a come-down moment after the album's previously care-free tone.

Overall Villains is another sardonically wicked QOTSA album with some memorable tunes, plenty of groove, and Homme's unique swagger.  I consider it a step down from ...Like Clockwork, but considering how much I like that album (it was my favorite album of 2013), that was inevitable.  Still, there's plenty to sink your teeth into on this record and its 48-minute running time flies by.  Homme & co. set out to make a fun, toe-tapping rock n' roll album and they've done that, while still stamping the music with their distinctively eccentric panache.

I give the album ***1/2 out of *****.

John Cena vs. Roman Reigns.....at No Mercy???

Well we're finally getting the monumental first-time clash between WWE's former posterboy John Cena, and Vince McMahon's handpicked replacement (whom no one else likes in that spot) Roman Reigns.  Make no mistake, this match is a big deal.  So big in fact, that a main event of this magnitude could only happen.....AT NO MERCY!!!  Wait, what??  Seriously?  They're giving away the biggest current first-time match in this company at a B-PPV in September?  The fuck sense does that make?  Wouldn't you wanna save this for 'Mania 34, or at least Survivor Series?

I legit don't understand this company anymore.  Between Cena-Reigns and Lesnar-Strowman, No Mercy is shaping up to be a stacked card.  But why are they putting so many eggs in this rather unimportant basket?  We haven't had a truly gigantic WrestleMania main event since the first Rock vs. Cena match.  I should think Cena vs. Reigns (and Brock vs. Braun) are the two best RAW main events for April 8th.  But I guess Vince reeeeeally wants Brock vs. Roman II to headline the big show in New Orleans.  Yawn.  Wouldn't want to excite us too much at the end of a seven-hour PPV, would ya?  The audience might actually react to the main event of the year's biggest show.  Can't have that.

All that aside, the Cena-Reigns promo last night was quite noteworthy for the most part.  Both guys took some nice digs at each other that veered into shoot territory, and Roman Reigns seemingly got to inject a little of his own personality into a promo for the first time.  Reigns called Cena out for being a part-timer who only shows up when WWE pays him enough (dayamn!), while Cena called out Reigns for being a corporate creation who still hasn't proved he belongs there ("It took you five years to cut a halfway decent promo").  Also, Reigns is clearly playing the heel in this feud.  Cena's position is 100% correct, while Reigns' is based on a skewed perception of things.  One of my favorite lines from Cena was "I do this part-time better than you can ever do it full-time."  Oh snap, Johnny!

What I didn't like about this promo though were the gratuitous references to backstage politics.  Granted, plenty of promos have drudged up that material before.  But where CM Punk's "pipe bomb" promo for example played within the context of "I'm the best wrestler in this company but I don't get the recognition I deserve, I don't get to be on the posters or mugs, etc.," Reigns talked about Cena "holding back younger talent" and "burying people," and Cena talked about using the US Title to "introduce new superstars" like Kevin Owens (accurate) and AJ Styles (Cena lost the US Title long before AJ showed up).  Within the confines of this fictional wrestling world, the idea of a main event guy holding back younger talent or giving new guys opportunities doesn't make sense.  The main event guy is the main event guy because he wins a lot of matches.  Calling attention to the company pushing someone based on anything else is counterproductive to the illusion that these wrestling matches are genuine competitions.  That would be like a supporting character on The Walking Dead calling out Rick because he doesn't get the screen time Rick does.  "You're only the main character on this show because the writers like you the best!"  It doesn't work.  Cena then pointed out that he hasn't main evented a WrestleMania in five years and that he opened the show at SummerSlam.  I mean, fair enough, but main eventing WrestleMania is supposed to be something that is earned based on winning matches, no?  WWE needs to knock it off with this fourth-wall shit.

In other news, Alexa Bliss won back the Women's Title already.  Sooo Sasha Banks has now held that belt four times, for a total of 82 days.  These unnecessary title changes on both shows are making me nuts.  What is this, the Russo era?  When did the number of title reigns become more important than the length?  I forget who said it years ago but some announcer was talking about Ric Flair (I think) being the NWA Champion six times and the line was "He's won it six times?  That means he's lost it five."  Winning a title a buncha times isn't nearly as impressive an accomplishment as holding onto it.  Cool it with the padded championship records, will ya?

Anyway, like I said, No Mercy is gonna be a big PPV.  They've already got a huge double main event and we still presumably have the Rollins/Ambrose vs. Cesaro/Sheamus rematch, the Balor-Wyatt rematch, and something for Samoa Joe to do.  I just don't like that they're rushing this Cena vs. Reigns thing.  Reminds me of 2008 when they needed a second main event for SummerSlam and they hotshotted Cena vs. Batista instead of saving it for WrestleMania 25, which so desperately could've used a better main event.  You can only do a big first-time match once.

Game Of Thrones Season 7, Episode 7: The Dragon And The Wolf

by Dan Moore 

@SouthieDanimal

AND THE WALL COMES CRUMBLING DOWN!!!  

As predicted months ago in this very column, The Wall went bye bye.

Told ya. 

The White walkers started their slow march south by destroying the last line of defense in the north. Now, the Great War is upon us because of an ice dragon, bitches.

BAD ASS 

So much happened in this episode, but this was the big one. Now the walkers have a clear path to the south. They can destroy all the living & add them to their ever expanding army. They're quite efficient. The fact that the dragon could take down the wall so quickly was a bit of a stretch but the writers needed a way for the whites to get going down south, so there it is. As it is, I thought the sequence was awesome looking & the music really amped up the spectacle. 

The happenings in King's Landing mashed together just about every surviving major character left. We had the Dragonstone crew trying to convince the Incest OG's to band together and fight the cold dead people. And Cersei agrees (because they throw a zombie right in her fucking eyeholes), but not before we get a very tense scene between her & Tyrion. It was great seeing her viciousness come out on the brother she truly hates. It's been so long since these two characters have interacted I forgot how good they are together. Cersei even threatens Tyrion with her mutant Mountain man, but it turns out to be a bluff. 

Have you met Cersei's bodyguard, Super Shredder? 

Movie Review: Dunkirk (2017)

Well I've seen Christopher Nolan's WWII triptych twice now.  The first time I had very mixed feelings about it.  Dunkirk is essentially without characters.  It's a visceral, small-scope assault on the senses designed to plunge the viewer into the horrors of this particular battle (if one can even call it that), wherein 300,000 British soldiers were rescued from certain death after being trapped on the beach for days.  So shallow was the water at Dunkirk that British destroyers were unable to access the besieged soldiers, and thus the Navy began recruiting small private vessels which could navigate directly to the beach.  The evacuation was considered miraculous and inspired Churchill's famous "We shall fight on the beaches" speech.  But the film left me a little cold on the first viewing.  While I was duly impressed with Nolan's technique (as always) and the film's authenticity, I wasn't able to connect with any of the characters since they're only there to drive the plot.  Dunkirk boasts precious little dialogue, and what's there is often hard to make out amid the thunder of battle and Hans Zimmer's pounding score.  I exited the theater saying to myself, "Okay....so that happened.  Now what do I do with it?"

Upon a second watch I was able to put aside my expectations (Nolan films usually have a rich emotional core to them but Dunkirk's lack thereof frustrated me), and simply take the film for what it was and what it intended to do.  Nolan wants us to see, hear and feel what it must've been like, how harrowing the experience was, how terrifying for the British not to know whether they'd ever make it off the beach.  The historical context and the personal drama didn't concern him; he preferred to tell this story through visuals and sound.  To set Dunkirk apart from other war films, Nolan employed a threefold narrative structure and used time expansion to allow intercutting between the three segments (The events on land cover one week, the sea one day, and the air one hour).  On the first viewing I found this a little distracting and gimmicky, but the second time it worked for me, keeping the film's momentum fluid and lending the two shorter time periods more weight than they would've otherwise carried.

For a 2017 film, Dunkirk has a very no-nonsense frankness about it.  There is nothing glamorous about the battle scenes, no rousing speeches to the men, no Hollywood sheen to the events.  The film is visually striking but not in a trumped-up, artificial sense.  The sequences in the air for example don't play out like Top Gun; the pilots don't pull any fancy spinning maneuvers or spectacular midair stunts.  They use simple flight patterns to position themselves with a direct line of sight to enemy planes.  When planes get shot down they don't explode like a TIE fighter.  They emit smoke and slowly lose altitude before crashing to the water below.  The main character Tommy (Fionn Whitehead) and the other trapped soldiers spend much of the film hiding, crawling and trying not to drown.  The Mark Rylance character and his two shipmates spend the film just trying to reach Dunkirk while there are still soldiers to rescue.  There's nothing gratuitously adventurous about these characters, they were simply terrified young men whose only concern at this point was escaping to England.  Contrary to the usual war movie fare, there's nothing fun about what we see here.

I've read reviews calling Dunkirk the best war film ever made and others calling it Nolan's greatest work.  I disagree with both statements, but this is still a very worthy entry in Nolan's catalog.  He's looked at the war genre from a different angle and presented an immersive, austere look at what these soldiers went through in the aftermath of one battle.  You won't find any philosophizing about the brutality of war, nor much context to drive home the implications of this evacuation, beyond the obvious, that it saved hundreds of thousands.  What you will get is a thoroughly realistic, gritty visual document achieved with thousands of film extras, real World War II vehicles and equipment, talented actors (who admittedly aren't asked to do all that much acting), and almost no CGI.  Dunkirk may not be a masterpiece, but it's a film you'll find yourself thinking and talking about long after you've seen it.

I give the film *** out of ****.


   

WWE SummerSlam 2017 Was Good, Jinder Mahal Isn't

SummerSlam 2017 felt a bit like one of those older WWF PPVs that had a ton of variety and was oddly more enjoyable than it probably deserved to be.  The ten main PPV matches cruised by at a decent pace and this show never felt to me like a slog, a la SummerSlam 2016.  There wasn't anything truly great on the show, but there were several very good matches, most of which occurred in the second half.  In that way this was like the anti-WrestleMania; the last two 'Manias have started out strong and become a major drag by the final hour.

Of note, the crowd for NXT TakeOver the night before was electric from start to finish.  The SummerSlam crowd was mostly pretty dead except during a few select matches.  I've asked this before, but isn't Vince bothered by this phenomenon?  You'd think he'd figure out a way to make the main roster crowds' enthusiasm match that of the NXT audience.

Things kicked off in very strange fashion, with the John Cena-Baron Corbin match.  I'm not sure who thought this would make for a hot opener, but it wasn't; Corbin's nondescript offense and Cena's seeming lack of motivation of late failed to jumpstart the Brooklyn crowd.  There was a nice callback near the end of the match, where Cena tossed Corbin to the buckles, Corbin slid out of the ring, and immediately slid back in.  Earlier in the bout this spot resulted in Corbin leveling Cena with a clothesline, but Cena turned the tables the second time, hitting a clothesline of his own, followed by the AA for the win.  Not much of a match, but I got some enjoyment out of it because my son watched it with me and he's a big Cena fan.  Baffling choice for an opening bout though, and Corbin is clearly in the doghouse.

Next up was a much stronger match, pitting Smackdown Womens' Champ Naomi vs. Natalya.  These two strung together some nice, innovative offense, the wrestling was fairly crisp, and Nattie finally got a well-deserved Title win with the Sharpshooter.  Perfectly serviceable undercard match with the right winner.

The worst match of the night was third, as Big Cass and Big Show sleepwalked through a fairly excruciating ten minutes.  I'm not sure why this needed to be on the main card while the Smackdown Tag Title match wasn't, nor were The Miz or The Hardyz, and Sami Zayn and Dolph Ziggler were absent from this show completely.  The only memorable bit was Enzo squeezing out of the shark cage, which immediately led to him getting murdered by Cass.  Pointless.

Speaking of pointless, Randy Orton beat Rusev in ten seconds.  Poor Rusev.  He and Lana had a great act, so of course the company split them up.  He had a very good heel character, so of course the company turned him into a joke.  Not that I was excited about this match anyway, but Jeezus this was a waste.

Things picked up again with the RAW Women's Title match, as Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks delivered a well-worked 13-minute bout on par with Naomi-Nattie.  This wasn't on the level of Sasha and Charlotte's matches, and certainly nowhere near as good as the show stealing Asuka-Ember Moon match from the night before, but Alexa plays the douchebag heel to perfection and these two have undeniable chemistry.  Sasha won the belt for the fourth time via Bank Statement tapout.