Saturday, October 10, 2015

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Drive-Thru

by Dan Moore

I love horror movies, so I'm watching one a day in October.  There's no rhyme or reason to the flicks I'm watching. Some I've never seen, some I have. Join the discussion on Twitter with #31Movies31Days 

Day Ten: Drive-Thru (2007)

Directors: Brendan Cowles & Shane Kuhn
Starring: Leighton Meester, Nicholas D'Agosto, Melora Hardin, Larry Joe Campbell & Lola Glaudini

And I thought ATM was stupid? Holy SHIT this movie is dumb. Horny the Clown, yes HORNY THE FUCKING CLOWN, is the mascot at Hella Burger. He's also a serial killer. He's bumping off all the neighborhood kids and customers. Which probably won't help with Hella Burger's IPO. One of the kids, Mackenzie (Meester), starts to see a pattern as the kids getting bumped off all happen to be the children of a group of parents that accidentally murdered neighborhood weirdo Archie Benjamin on his 18th birthday. Is Horny the Clown Archie come back for revenge by killing the children of his murderers? Is this plot a sad rip off of Nightmare on Elm Street? Did I really watch a movie with a killer named Horny?

Words cannot describe how bad this movie is. The dialogue is dumb. Every character is annoying and stupid (with the exception of Meester's character). The plot has no cohesiveness. Random killings just happen with no real point to them. They're really gory, though, so that's cool. And then the plot tries to tie everything together, but follows it with a plot twist that negates everything previously, and then ANOTHER plot twist that negates everything from the previous plot twist. It makes zero sense. There's also a thrash metal soundtrack playing throughout the film. I love metal. I've seen three of the Big 4 thrash bands in concert (screw you, Megadeth), but this was annoying, industrial sounding music at very inopportune times through out the flick. The music sounded almost scratchy and it was horribly distracting. Ugh, this movie sucks.

THE GOOD: Meester is a fine actress. And nice to look at. The movie looks great from a technical standpoint. It doesn't look cheap. The killer clown admittedly looks really cool. Too bad he's wasted in this movie. His swearing, insulting, raspy voice is also provided by Gordon Clapp. Who, you may ask? Why, none other than the unassuming, nice guy actor who played the unassuming, nice cop Lt. Greg Medavoy on NYPD Blue for over a decade. Blew my mind.

This guy. Right here.  He's not an insurance
salesman, he's the voice of TERROR
THE BAD: Everything else. Seriously, one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen.

THE DUMB: **SPOILER ALERT** Throughout the movie, they make it clear that Horny is some type of mystical demon. He sends supernatural messages through Ouija boards and appears out of thin air, magically, in front of some characters. So the way they kill him is beyond pedestrian. They set him on fire. And he thrashes around, falls to the floor. And dies. That's it. Terribly underwhelming.

SHIT OR HIT: Shit. You people should all be thanking me that I watched this movie instead of you. This is a public service I'm performing here.

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